ND and gaslighting

[CAFCWA]

I rarely raise any issues with my bf in the moment as he is Autistic and this rarely has a good outcome. I find discussing when the emotion of the moment has passed is more productive. However, there are times when it's not possible to do that and I react there and then.

This is often met with me being shutdown, dismissive behaviour from him about my feelings and severe gaslighting. This only happens in the moment and not during normal discussions about issues where he is open and accountable if he is in the wrong.

Something has just happened and this behaviour has really hurt me more than normal. Obviously I know gaslighting is toxic but when it only happens due to overwhelm should I treat it the same. I'm not trying to suggest excusing poor behaviour due to neuro diversity but as it is not the norm and typically this happens every few months (admittedly due to me controlling how I react) is it worth potentially ending things.

We have been together 2 years and there are a number of challenges but we have worked really hard to minimise the impact of these. I just wonder if I am setting myself up for emotional damage by feeling I can't express myself in the moment. I do wonder sometimes if I am as genuinely ok with this as I think or I have just numbed my own emotions.

Can anyone share experiences of this kind of situation from either side and how things planned out.

typically this happens every few months (admittedly due to me controlling how I react) is it worth potentially ending things

What you’re really saying is everything is alright as long as you don’t dare to assert yourself when he upsets you. How often would he engage in abusive behaviours if you spoke up every single time? Because people can be autistic and also be controlling arseholes. And he is controlling what you’re allowed to say and you shouldn’t put up with that.

Don’t excuse this behaviour because of his autism. He doesn’t gaslight his boss. He knows what he’s doing is wrong.

You're not compatible, you cannot communicate with him and he’s abusive.If you plan on having children I would not have them with this man.

What @Olivia2495 said. It sounds like he's got you walking on eggshells. He doesn't pull this shit with his boss, so he knows exactly what he's doing, whether it's gaslighting (making you doubt your sanity) or some other abusive behaviour.

I am autistic and have an autistic child so I can totally see from both sides. When you go into overwhelm, meltdown or shutdown you are trying to end the situation as you are in fight or flight and feel unable to cope . So you say anything to end it as it's so distressing. What he probably needs is to walk away, recover then discuss.

He could benefit from some CBT or mindfulness training to help him be more aware of his thoughts and emotions and to try to recognise early signs so he can remove himself from the situation earlier.

It's not the same with other people. autistic people find themselves masking their emotions in front of people they don't feel safe enough to communicate their struggles. He does this with you because he feels say ti do so.

But that's not to say you have to put up with it,

You're right to an extent. I generally don't react because I know what the outcome will be and I guess have justified it because I prefer not to have a futile argument and address it in a way that will actually be productive. So because I do express it at some point I feel I am not suppressing my emotions but the fact I have to be the one to control them and he doesn't does mean I am on egg shells 😞

Autism isn't the issue here. In relationships both people's needs are equally important. If those needs aren't being met by this relationship, then it's not a good relationship. You do not feel like you are free to express yourself when you want to because you both have different ways of handling conflict and confrontation. Those differences are just not compatible. You can't force them to work together. That will only lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Thank you for this view. I have autistic children and am ND myself (ADHD) hence why I am understanding of overwhelm. I guess I spend a lot of my time being a safe space.

I think this occasion hurt so much more because I was so upset I actually found hard evidence to show he was gaslighting me. He then had to admit he was wrong at the time and he apologised but this made him feel bad which meant he then shutdown which made me feel like the apology wasn't genuine and I was being punished somehow. He'll now go to ground for a while. My feelings about the issue will subside and probably won't then fully get addressed as I'd have processed them myself!

I guess I do have to make a choice. Just because I understand doesn't mean it is right for me 😞

Being in a relationship with a ND person can be tough. I say this as a ND person who has dated (and married) other ND people. Some compromise is needed by the other party to avoid melting my head (routines need to be respected, you need to know when to stop talking, I can’t do over crowded places, etc..). One of the big ones is dealing with conflict, which I do badly. However conflict isn’t the norm in my relationship. 18 months into my current one and my DP and I have not had a row. We tell one another if we need something done differently but mostly we are both trying to make the other as happy and comfortable as possible.

I guess I think if you are arguing to this extent once a month and he is not able to resolve conflict with you in a way that you need then he is not the guy for you - it doesn’t really matter if it’s due to his ASD or just because he is being a dick!

Yes I agree about compatibility. But I guess my issue here is that it is not very often and mostly we are fine. Yes I am the one probably making more of a compromise but I also do see him compromising in other areas. There are many great aspects to our relationship so I guess I really need to work out how much I am really holding back to keep the peace in case it's not as infrequent as I believe it to be.

I just wonder if I am setting myself up for emotional damage by feeling I can't express myself in the moment.

Yes, you are. Forget his autism that is not an excuse for his behaviour- it is very abusive and you should not be tolerating it.

See for me, "mostly we're fine", big arguments ever couple of months, and a number of challenges, within just a 2 year relationship does not sound like a good relationship. Maybe if I had a history of even worse relationships, I would think this was a good one. But I've been lucky in that I've only ever been in one really abusive one, so I'm able to actually see what a good working relationship is. It is not one that involves gaslighting and having to hold back feelings because it will shut a conversation down.

Thank you for this. I am keen to get views from other ND people. It's not frequent. I think this is our third or fourth what I would call argument in the 2 years. I am surrounded by Neuro diversity and am ND myself so know it does have to be factored in. I'd imagine my issues are not always easy to deal with either and I also expect some understanding from a partner.

Things do get addressed in a productive way outside of the moment which is different to my previous long term relationship with a different autistic partner.

But I guess what I am wondering is how much is it that I have learnt how to deal more productively with conflict over the years both with my own issues and those of my children and partners or is it that I have just become conditioned to suppressing my own emotions to protect the emotions of those around me??

You say you are ND too, so I wonder if you do that thing where you think. "I know I'm not perfect, so I can't expect other people to be perfect" which means you give people more chances than they deserve.

It's a toxic empathy thing. It's partly why a lot of ND people end up in abusive relationships.

But some things should not be given another chance.

You are right. I am a massive empath. I tend to think because I understand it's ok. Thinking about it I do it with friends and family too. I guess it's not always ok 😞

He then had to admit he was wrong at the time and he apologised but this made him feel bad which meant he then shutdown which made me feel like the apology wasn't genuine and I was being punished

What his actions say is you are being mean to me if you don’t put up with my emotional abuse and my lies. Call it a shutdown if you want but he is sulking and thinks of himself as a victim. You say things do get addressed in a productive way outside of the moment but who addresses things? It’s probably not him.

I would call time on this. What you’re experiencing isn’t unusual.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5029021-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-10

It's actually normally him who starts the discussions which end up productive. But god that's probably because he has to be in the right headspace. It's just all about him isn't it 😔