My marriage has become ridiculous and I don’t know what to do about it

[Blueshimmeringsea]

I would appreciate any advice on how to approach this. I know comparisons to single parents are unfair but I really do feel like one.

DHs work has completely taken over his life and I don’t see much of him. When I do, he’s on his laptop. It’s left me parenting two very young children completely solo and I’m fed up.

I don’t know if there’s anything I can do. Probably not. He can’t just get another job and if he did it would just be the same problems. But I am so so sick of living as I do, I’m lonely and I’m bored to be honest. Has anyone ever been in the same position, and what did you do? I really, really don’t want to call time on the marriage.

Is he happy with the current situation? Are you working? How old are your kids? Can you get help from family to give you both some couple time alone?

Can you organise a weekly night out?

Can you have a phone/laptop free dinner each evening. We've started to do this again, sit down and eat and catch up. It's refreshing.

Stating the obvious but have you told him how you feel?

@Coldfinch i don’t know if he’s happy or not to be honest. We so rarely talk and if we do it never ever gets us anywhere.

Our children are 3 and nearly 1. I work three days a week but I’m only going back to that job in three weeks after a years maternity leave. We have no family to help and no one to leave the children with. A weekly night out wouldn’t work. He is working on his laptop, I’m not doubting he’s got a lot to do but it leaves me with everything else and I’m fed up.

How do you know a weekly night out wouldn't work? Do yourself a favour. Get a babysitter.

It's very very easy to get into a habit of staying at home.

Where is the children when you are working - we didn’t have family help but the nursery staff were able to babysit in the evenings and it worked well as the kids knew them and felt safe.
sounds like you need to find some time to talk to each other and work out your priorities

I'm sorry OP you cannot do anything if he refuses to engage.
There's no point in people suggesting a barrage of solutions if he won't even talk to you about it. Or even admit that there's an issue.
Can you get him to attend marriage counselling?
Shock him into doing something, maybe take yourself and the kids elsewhere for a couple of days?

@ByUmberViewer - well, for one thing it would have to be a Friday or Saturday as he isn’t back early enough in the week. More to the point though the children would never settle for a babysitter. When we just had the one he went to bed at 7 so we did get to go out a couple of times. Now, it takes forever to get him to go to sleep. It wouldn’t be fair to do that to a babysitter. And if the baby wakes up she’d be very distressed.

The problem is from his point of view he’s working for us and he is I get that. But it leaves me with such a heavy load.

When men went out to work in the past, women had their village. She had neighbours, family and friends. Help was always around. Now women have no one and are completely isolated.

It's insidious and destroying women's mental health. We were never supposed to go it alone! We are social animals and need our networks.

I feel so sorry for you op. Your husband has checked out. If he cared, he'd be there, simple as.

Stop doing things for him. No cooking or cleaning. Time to go on strike. You're not a domestic appliance or a 1950s house wife. Shit, even 1950s housewives had networks of other women around them!

Hi OP, you’re actually at a cross roads that I didn’t recognise. When my kids had gotten a bit older and things started to get easier I could see that my marriage was dead and we were just house mates.

A fantastic book to read is ‘Too good to leave too bad to stay’ it really sets out if your marriage is worth saving or if you would be happier leaving. It helped me see the rot had actually set in years ago and couldn’t be saved.

However if you both feel the marriage is worth saving then you have to come up with a plan forward and that means both of you making a solid commitment to supporting each other.

You can’t fix this by yourself - he has to want to as well.

So your going to have to come to gather and have a really solid talk about the future and how you both can support each other.

It’s going to take compromise from both sides.

If one of you isn’t emotionally mature or emotionally available to discuss this with out it getting heated then there might be no point in even pushing on as these issues will never go away.

Have a read of the book to see if it’s even worth saving first though

What sort of area does he work in? What sort of hours? Is he bringing home the big bucks to make it worth it? A workaholic in a "normal" job, no. A "big £ job" maybe BUT only if that is your shared plan...

I'm a little confused.

Is this long working hours thing new? Is it temporary? Was it discussed (as in, "hey I have this huge project and I'm going to be working longer hours for the next six months")? Or do you think he's spending more time working to avoid spending time with you (you haven't reeaally mentioned what your actual relationship is like)? Have you asked him if he can make more time for you and the children? Etc etc.

So … the long working hours thing is hard to explain. He’s always sometimes worked away a bit but then had say two days working from home. Or he’d be in the office but it was more laid back with regard to set hours.

Over lockdown like most people he was WFH full time - which I wouldn’t recommend! - but then it was a gradual return to the office. Things are picking up now but the relaxed way of the pre Covid days has gone. I’m not sure whether this is because people have been taking the piss a bit or not but things are not relaxed and I know he’s having to work evenings / weekends just to get stuff done. But meanwhile I’m doing everything else and it is wearisome.

I’m in the same boat OP - but I do love my DH. He works mega hours. Sometimes he comes in when me and the kids are in bed and leaves again before we’re up!

i work 3 days too and my kids are 2 and 5. It’s really hard going on your own.

@SprinkleofSpringShowers thanks, that does sound similar, I just feel lonely a lot of the time.

Once you are back to work this is going to be really tough and you will resent him more as he will feel you are still the housewife (going by what he treats you like now)

OK. Big changes coming. You’re going back to work and three days is a lot for such small children. Has he accepted he needs to step up now? What are his contracted hours? He doesn’t get to hide behind his laptop when he has tiny children and a busy working spouse.
I use the word hide deliberately.

Funny how men suddenly “have to” work extremely long extra hours soon as they have young children isn’t it. They’re basically trying to get out of parenting because yes it’s really hard, boring, exhausting and quite frankly easier being in work where most jobs are concerned. It’s really shit that they do this and leave everything up to the mum- selfish & entitled.

Yes I appreciate we live a great life etc and I know he works really, really hard. But it is hard sometimes. Like you say it gets lonely. I work from home a lot, because with a drop at nursery and a drop at school it’s hard to get my hours done if I add a 30 min commute too. I often don’t have a meaningful conversation with anyone some days!

Why does he need to work so hard? Unless he's committed to a profession known for very long hours (full-time teaching, investment banking...), he needs to set better boundaries with his employer, or look for a new job. Ultimately working long hours is a choice.

Also, are you certain he's at work? It often comes out that they aren't, unfortunately.

seems to be part of modern life with different responsibilities

You're enough to move on, find happiness with someone who appreciates you. He's not putting any effort in and you're basically a single parent anyway, so going solo isn't going to be a huge change.

What is there to stay for? Comfort? Familiarity? Ease? But not love.

You need to have a chat with him about it.

I'd be wondering:
-Is he happy working this much?
-Is he from a family of workaholics?
-Is he open to changing things, even if it can't be done now?
-Is he fun to be around when you do get any time?

It doesn't sound like much fun if this is it for the next however many years. Short term if he wants it to change you can probably manage.

You could start doing something for yourself in the evenings perhaps, some online book group or learning, just to now feel you are stagnating. But hard to have the energy with young kids!

Is he doing this to avoid childcare and family life? Or is he on an awful work treadmill that he can't get off, but wishes he could spend more time with his family?
Without knowing how he feels it's impossible to guess where this is going. Does he know how unhappy you are? Is he unhappy himself? I'm not getting any sense that the two of you are talking about this.

This. Happened to so many friends. Once husband was staying in his office until after the children went to bed. Turns out he clocked off at 5 and watched Netflix for 3 hours every night.

He surely doesn't need to working every minute of the day? He needs to sort out his work life balance as even the most demand of jobs wouldn't expect this? X