My marriage has become ridiculous and I don’t know what to do about it

[Blueshimmeringsea]

I would appreciate any advice on how to approach this. I know comparisons to single parents are unfair but I really do feel like one.

DHs work has completely taken over his life and I don’t see much of him. When I do, he’s on his laptop. It’s left me parenting two very young children completely solo and I’m fed up.

I don’t know if there’s anything I can do. Probably not. He can’t just get another job and if he did it would just be the same problems. But I am so so sick of living as I do, I’m lonely and I’m bored to be honest. Has anyone ever been in the same position, and what did you do? I really, really don’t want to call time on the marriage.

Yeah I'd bet my house he is absolutely not working all these hours...

hi @Blueshimmeringsea

my ex H did this and it was a tactic to avoid family life - basically (I now realise) he saw parenting as women’s work and beneath him. He also had extreme work related anxiety and was completely unable to set boundaries with work. I always worked outside the home too, so although we paid for childcare, the parenting burden always fell to me. It was lonely too, because he saw childcare purely as a chore, so would never do things with us if I was doing them “what’s the point of both of us being there?”

We both have senior legal in house roles so I knew it was possible to set boundaries with work as I did it! He once told me (moaning about how lazy his co workers were) that he was always the last to leave the office. This when I was working with a toddler and a baby.

This was not the sole reason we split as he was awful in many other ways but it was symptomatic of his emotional avoidance, basic misogyny (which he would never admit to) and tit for tat attitude to everything “I did this so you have to do this for me”. Work was his god and I got sick of it. I am career minded myself but let’s face it lawyers are not curing cancer. At the end I just realise he was an emotionally stunted lazy idiot. Exemplified by the fact that after we split, he didn’t come to our DD’s first day of school, despite the fact the he WFH 5 minutes drive from the school, because “I didn’t tell him he had to” “he has work” “what’s the point of both of us being there”. 😵‍💫

Hi OP I have been in a somewhat similar situation at the end of my second mat leave, me & DS were quite unwell and I was stuck at home with DD& DS a lot, and in the meantime DH got promoted, it felt like we were living separate lives - though I appreciated he was working for us as we had loads of unexpected expenses that year, it did not feel like we were a team.
I used my return to work (also 3 days) to rebalance things and it really helped. Things need to change for you to work 3 days so tell him you need to sit down and work out changes.
He needs to do dropoff and pickup and bedtime at least one of the three days - go for a fixed day so you don’t have to keep discussing it. Then use that evening to see friends or pursue your own interests - that will help with the boredom. If he says his work won’t allow this he needs to put in a flexible working request/ find out what other people do/ trailblaze a way to see his kids in the week. Ask him, what sort of father is he going to be if he’s not back any evening?
Work out a few mental load/ housework tasks you hate and suggest he takes those, or ask him what he is going to be responsible for. Leave those things to him, never do them.
Build a relationship with your dcs nursery staff if they can babysit or get a recommendation for a babysitter and build a relationship with them. Likewise get help in for the house/ garden. If he is in a high income job, some income needs to go towards someone to do the things he is not doing at home.
Likewise if he is in a high income professional workplace they may well provide counselling/ stress management - ask him to take these up to discuss the impact his workaholism is having on the family.
If he acts like these relatively small changes are ridiculous or is just unsupportive this will at least show you his care and regard for you has gone. If you can start to rebalance things you may find it leads to a cascade of more positive changes. Anyway you’ll have carved a bit of time out for yourself which you certainly deserve after dealing with this. Good luck.

This isn’t a marriage.

You hardly see him and you don’t talk to each other.

Your children are so young…..how have things got this bad so quickly?

He’s avoiding you, home life and his children.

He can’t be bothered with the reality of life and so hides behind his laptop and expects you to do it all.

How are you going to cope when you go back to work without any support or input from him?

Recognise your worth OP.

Women are not put on this earth to be slaves to their husbands.

Tell him that if things don’t change then the marriage is over. And mean it.

Do any of those people saying just leave him or move on not consider this might just be a phase in life. Some issues will naturally resolve as the kids get older, this might be a phase in OP’s DH’s career where he’s exceptionally busy (COL crisis - a lot of companies are struggling which puts more pressure on the workforce, or he could be training, just establishing himself in a new role) and OP is also having a hard time because her kids are young.

So there’s a fair chance that these issues will resolve and the issues go with them. Yet if they just spilt up it’s just another hassle and traumatic experience to contend with.

What’s the short-medium term goals for your DH, OP?

I have found ways to cope and am about 18m further forward (kids age wise) than OP and let me tell you it’s much easier now and I feel comfortable using a sitter, have managed to get back into a hobby etc.

It’s so short sighted to say just leave.

OP things that help me:-

1. a cleaner every week, she irons and changes beds too (not many cleaners will so it took a while to find one).
2. food delivers like hello fresh. I pick the quick and easy meals. Just helps with food planning.
3. joining a gym with a creche and kids clubs. This means I work out and I usually plan my time so I can have a coffee in peace for 30mins before I collect them.
4. More recently, finding a nanny who could do adhoc care so I could socialise. I felt worried about leaving my youngest and bedtime but as she’s a nanny with a wealth of experience in nurseries etc too I figured she would be able to cope and the kids love her. It’s more expensive to use a nanny than a sitter but was important to me at this age. She also washes up etc whilst she’s here which is ace.

I just try and alleviate myself where I can, little ways of taking the load off helps alot.

You are currently at the absolute centre of the storm in terms of how difficult it is with kids of that age and your various respective working responsibilities. I wouldn’t set fire to a marriage at this point as this is the moment to get through. However, there must be some capacity to sit down together and talk about you feeling overwhelmed / bored / unseen, most importantly about nurturing your relationship. What you don’t want to do is let this slide for much longer otherwise the rot will set in.
you going back to work? Provides another moment of change. Is there one day a week that he can pick the kids up?
I work with a lot of lawyers who are very senior in their firms.

My observation would be that sometimes even the most senior and ‘important’ lawyer if they so desire can get back in time at least occasionally to put the kids to bed.

I think someone else said it sounds like he’s burying himself in his works to avoid Home. That certainly wouldn’t be the first time a man has done that!

I think it depends a lot what his attitude to it is.

my exH was like this at the end. So detached from family life and yes he did have to work a lot but even around that he didn’t engage with the family. He didn’t see it as much of a problem seemingly. He didn’t communicate about when he’d be back or when he’d be available. Even when he wasn’t working he took no interest in our children. He didn’t tell me when he was leaving the house for a run or something, no common courtesy even. I’d just hear the door go (used to laugh to myself imagining if I did that 😆).

couples do go through challenging stages maybe where one has to work away or work ridiculously long hours but you can still have closeness or feel like a team, and you can still sense if they’re making the most of non working time to engage with the family.

for my ex it was almost like an excuse or convenience to opt out of family life.

For those saying get hello fresh, get a nanny etc etc - I tried all of those things and money was not an issue so paid for lots of childcare, planned holidays to try to have quality time together, meal boxes to make life easier, cleaner, dog walker, the works.

Ultimately trying to build a family life with a man who is not interested is a fucking lonely experience. I am an extremely senior lawyer, top of my game in my area of expertise, and I still manage to block out time to drop or pick up my kids from school, go to school events, make cakes with my kids, whatever. I am a single mum now with my kids 12 days out of 14 and I still make it work. I’m up at 5.30 to fit it all in. kids memories of me will not be of me always on my laptop (iphone glued to hand, I will cop to that).

Failing to set boundaries at work is a choice. Opting out of family life is a choice. I see men enabled to make that choice a lot but I see a lot of amazing senior professional mother and it’s rare to see women doing it.

@Endoftheroad12345 OP has said she doesn’t want to call time on her marriage so those were some practical suggestions to weather the storm.

Of course it depends on what sort of partner and father her DH is.

This is a particularly difficult age with her children.

Tell him the issues ASAP. This won't end well and he at least deserves the chance to change things before you get so fed up and walk away and your at the point where your mind is made up.

@Blueshimmeringsea I was in this situation. My ex was /is a classic workaholic. Unless he wants to do something about it, your options are to create separate life for yourself or leave.

I left him after a couple years of arguing about the same shit and he’s a much better parent now than he was when I was propping him up.