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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trust issues or my gut instinct is right??

37 replies

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNott · 18/05/2024 15:20

Hi
so I’ve been with my partner for 8 months very new relationship I have one son from my previous marriage who gets on great with my partner. However, my gut is telling me something is wrong and I can’t shake this feeling. I struggle to trust men after a really messy 13 year long relationship where physical emotional and financial abuse was present and numerous different women resulting in him getting one pregnant whilst still with me, then the messy divorce that followed left me in quite a lot of debt and a nervous wreck I still struggle to believe someone I loved could treat me the way my ex husband did and we have been separated for 7 years. He sees my son they have a good relationship my son is 18. I am now fully out of debt it’s taken me years I don’t own a lot but what I do own is mine and I have a nice life with my child I work full time.
back to my current situation I have been single three years after a two year relationship ended I was ok being single, met my current partner and got swept off my feet he’s amazing in many ways. He told me at the start he’s never been faithful in any of his relationships his whole life not even to the mother of his children but that he is a changed man he had learnt how bad he was and he was selfish etc but I can’t get past this why am I any different? Why wouldn’t he cheat on me? We spend a lot of time together not every night but say 4-5 nights a week but on the nights he’s at his the next day he’s either sending me messages about how he loves me so much and can’t wait to see me or he’s distant. I find this strange like a guilty conscience, Yesterday he came to my house after work and we were making food we were talking about vitamin D and he said you only get vitamin d from me don’t you? I said yes of course. Twice he asked me who text me on my phone and then he said what are you doing on your phone? But Thursday morning he woke up in a bad mood and snapped at me saying did you go through my phone? I said no I didn’t he accepted this because I won’t ever go through anyone’s phone and left without saying bye then text me and said how sorry he was for snapping it was because he opened his phone to a new tab that wasn’t there the night before then changed this to my battery hadn’t charged. Other things he has taken to his Xbox for hours at a time all of a sudden not something that interests me but everyone should have a hobby anyway he won’t talk to me while he’s playing says he can’t message etc but today he said that he messages ppl on the game through an app on his phone! Back to last night I just asked him out right why do you keep asking about my phone have you been messaging someone I feel like you’ve got a guilt conscience and he said I’m not going to sit here with someone who doesn’t trust me etc. so he went home. I’ve just got a nagging feeling and I can’t explain it. Is it me am I the issue I want to be happy ideally with him but are my trust issues going to ruin this?

OP posts:
SwimmingSnake · 18/05/2024 15:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pikkumyy77 · 18/05/2024 15:24

Believe him: he will not be faithful. When someone tells you who they are and it’s unflattering to them, or incriminating, they relieve pressure on themselves and transfer it to you. They essentially put you in charge of their behavior and you start by feeling flattered snd end by feeling anxious.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 15:25

Nah, it's not you.

MysteriousKor · 18/05/2024 15:27

He sounds like a flaky, moody, suspicious idiot, plus he plays Xbox. I’m not seeing the point of him.

(Also, I don’t understand the Vitamin D comment? Why was he asking to be reassured you only got Vitamin D ‘from him’? The Vitamin D you get from oily fish, egg yolks, sunlight etc?)

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNott · 18/05/2024 15:30

MysteriousKor · 18/05/2024 15:27

He sounds like a flaky, moody, suspicious idiot, plus he plays Xbox. I’m not seeing the point of him.

(Also, I don’t understand the Vitamin D comment? Why was he asking to be reassured you only got Vitamin D ‘from him’? The Vitamin D you get from oily fish, egg yolks, sunlight etc?)

The vitamin D comment came from he was reading the ingredients and it said high in vitamin d and I said I could use some vitamin d after today being flirty! (meaning vitamin d*ck) So that is why he asked if I only get vitamin d from him.

OP posts:
MrsToddsShortcut · 18/05/2024 15:30

No, your trust issues aren't going to ruin this - he is! When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He didn't tell you that he was a repetitive cheat 'and then you happened!' and he changed his ways. No. He told you, so that when you catch him cheating, he can tell you 'you know was a cheat when we first got together'.

You have a feeling of uneasiness because he is acting in a way that makes you feel uneasy. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard, especially only 8 months in.

It's not you. Please end it and find someone who won't leave you feeling uneasy, unsure and second guessing yourself - there are lots of nice men in the world who are better than him.

And also, please consider counselling or therapy or doing the Freedom Course if it's run near you. You need to work through your abusive relationship with a counsellor, otherwise there's a risk that you will continue to attract dodgy men who can spot your vulnerability.

You deserve so much better than this man, please believe me.

Catoo · 18/05/2024 15:32

He’s up to no good. As he told you he would be.

In the bin with this one OP.
💐

Pettyman · 18/05/2024 15:35

I thought you got vitamin D from the sun or supplements

IfMichaelMosleysVoiceWasWrittenasMusicalScore · 18/05/2024 15:36

What everyone else has said. He's no good. Listen to your gut, it's trying to protect you Flowers

NCfor24 · 18/05/2024 15:38

Trust your gut. He's not a good man.

samestyle · 18/05/2024 15:38

He's immature and toxic, i wouldn't put much trust in him either, a guy that gloats about cheating in past relationships, I think there's a pattern here of you falling for similar types, I would end it and not get into another relationship until you've built up tougher boundaries.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 15:42

Is it me am I the issue I want to be happy ideally with him but are my trust issues going to ruin this?

He's told you himself that he's cheated on every woman he's ever dated. You don't med to even wonder about that particular concern.

He had a go at you for something you hadn't done.

You've got a bad feeling about him.

Why on earth would you think this is down to your 'trust issues'?

What you're experiencing is your subconscious screaming at you that this man is a really bad idea because it's trying to protect you from him. And rightly so.

Don't fight that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2024 15:43

It’s not you, it’s him. He is bad news for you OP and you need to end this relationship. The red flags re him are a plenty.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at by this man now. Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not enter into any more relationships until your boundaries are a lot higher.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 15:43

Oh and of you're going to reference a private joke (ie the vitamin D) you need to explain it because now you're just going to get loads of people, understandably, asking what you meant.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/05/2024 15:46

OPs post of 3.30 explains what he means by vitamin D. The man is a man child.

Newdawnfreedom · 18/05/2024 15:49

Trust your gut!!! You're absolutely right here.

Sounds like he's an immature narcissist and you're coming out of the lovebombing phase and moving into devaluation.

It's time to move on! Don't waste any more of your precious time or energy. Guaranteed it will only go downhill from here.

category12 · 18/05/2024 15:52

He sounds like a total dick and like he's projecting.

He's the one accusing you of things yet you're saying it's your "trust issues" that are the problem?! He's fucking with your head.

Olika · 18/05/2024 15:54

It's not about having trust issues. Get rid of him.

Chatonette · 18/05/2024 17:04

“He told me at the start he’s never been faithful in any of his relationships his whole life not even to the mother of his children but that he is a changed man he had learnt how bad he was and he was selfish etc but I can’t get past this why am I any different? Why wouldn’t he cheat on me?”

You’re not different. He will cheat on you. He may not have done it yet, as your relationship is still “new”, but he will.

He has told you who he is (a cheater). BELIVE HIM.

Mmhmmn · 18/05/2024 17:09

"He told me at the start he’s never been faithful in any of his relationships his whole life"

Giant red flag.

Trust your gut instinct. His suspicious behaviour indicates that he's cheating on you and believing that you must be doing the same. You've been through a lot of this stuff already - get rid.

DrJonesIpresume · 18/05/2024 17:55

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Not only that, but he's the sort of person who assumes that other people do what he does. Hence him asking the 'you only get it from me, don't you?' question. He cheats, and assumes that you probably do too.

Get rid now. You are wasting your time.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 18/05/2024 21:31

He told me at the start he’s never been faithful in any of his relationships his whole life not even to the mother of his children

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Watchkeys · 18/05/2024 21:39

Don't worry if your 'trust issues' are real or not. When the right person comes and it's the right time, you won't have 'trust issues'.

ForgetmenotFox · 19/05/2024 00:05

He told me at the start he’s never been faithful in any of his relationships his whole life not even to the mother of his children

He told you this because he's checking out your reaction.
Checking out your boundaries.
It's only 8 months.
Trust your gut. Don't stick around.

IHateLegDay · 19/05/2024 00:52

He sounds so slimy 🤢 from your OP, it sounds like he doesn't have a single good trait. Run away!

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