Feeling lost in marriage

[hatethisweather]

In order to not drop feed, I’m 52, have teenage kids and together with husband 30 years, married for over 20.
We’ve had a lot of stress the past 5 years. His parents haven’t been well, our kids have had the usual teenage issues plus one with mental health issues.
MIL died recently but so did my DF. So, obviously not a time for deep discussions or harsh decisions to be made.
I just feel, slowly over the past 4 years or so, we’ve grown apart. With his responsibility towards his DPs and caught up with the kids, I feel we haven’t much left. I love him, I just don’t feel close to him. Since our parents deaths, I feel even further apart. I can’t talk about my DF and I feel he’s holding back about his DM ( they both passed within a week of each other)
it’s a mess. I feel I haven’t been a priority for him in a long time
He sees me as strong person, I don’t feel strong right now, or for a long time, I feel he prioritises everything above me. Like his family, his job, his hobby, the kids. I feel I’m very far down.
I can’t bring it up now, as we are both grieving but when do I bring it up? How long is long enough after a death to bring this up?
I don’t want to be insensitive but I know we are growing further apart as time goes on.

Im crying writing this, I don’t want to leave him but I need to be someone’s priority and to feel like I matter. Right now, I feel neither.

Bumping thread

Sorry for your loss. Clearly you are going through sad times.

The only thing you can do is to talk to him about how you feel. Can you arrange some time where you can spend time together to talk?

I can relate to how you feel. I feel very lonely in my relationship and its crushing.

You say he sees you as strong and he is holding back but you are also holding back, aren’t you, by not showing him that you’re struggling?

Bereavement goes through so many stages which can include numbness, depression, withdrawal from activities you usually enjoy.

If you can afford it, bereavement counselling for yourself might be a good plan. Before organising it you could tell dh, “I’m really struggling with my mum’s death, and I don’t want to burden you as you have your own dad’s death to deal with. But I desperately need some additional support so I’m going to find a counsellor to help me figure out how I get through this. Did you think about doing something similar? I don’t want to lose you whilst we are both dealing with this.”

My own dh was fairly hopeless at helping me with the death of my mum. It took me about 18m to feel like I wasn’t just “faking” my entire life for the sake of the kids. Three years on, I am on and we are ok again.

OP@SpringKitten has given good advice. I also think you could benefit from some counselling to help you feel listened to and to help you explore your feelings. Grief is so complex and both you and your DH need to process it, but if he can't share his feelings with you or support you then counselling will help you move forward.
Don't hold back either from sharing with your DH that you are struggling, tell him you still love him and don't want to lose him but that you need some support too.

There don’t seem to be any obvious issues between you both but it’s been a hard time and life has got in the way of your relationship. Now is the time to reprioritise this. Sounds like some bereavement counselling would help as well as relationship. How to get back on track. You are possibly both feeling guilty about leaving on the other due to all of this.

sounds like you're drifting

I recommend couples counselling after a period of mourning.

@Channellingsophistication @Dadjoke007 @Seaoftroubles @SpringKitten thank you. I will try to talk to him. I feel like he’s closed me off right now but I’ll try. I don’t want to be insensitive either, because he was extremely close to his DM. I. Suppose this distance has been slowly developing over the past few years but it’s like everything has been speeded up by our recent losses.
I know that’s grief and will probably take time.
He’s a great father and was a great husband. I think we’ve just lost our way a bit. I am afraid that, in a few years, we’ll have nothing left.
The past few weeks I find him very irritating and he finds me annoying too.

I’ll try organise and evening together, to try talk things over.

I might look into some counselling, I also have a lot unresolved issues with my df and since he died, that’s really affecting too. So counselling wouldn’t be a bad idea to work through these also, which I’m sure isn’t helping my mood, along with perimenopause and all that brings.

There isn’t any major obvious issues, I just feel sad that we’re not connected the way we used to be. I always thought we’d get through anything together and have each others backs but at the moment I think we’re both very distant from each other. It’s sad, but hopefully something we can work on.
Thank you all again.

@PalomaJaneintheDales thank you for bumping the thread.

@Guavafish1 that might be something to consider alright. Not sure he’ll go for that but I’ll definitely keep it in mind, thank you.

Honestly OP, l think this is all very understandable as you've both suffered loss and the lead up to that loss, with all the extra caring responsibilities involved as well as navigating everyday family and work life takes its toll.
I didn't properly grieve for my Mum and thought l was OK but grief came back with a vengeance about a year later when l suffered a breakdown.There were other factors too but l had counselling to help me work through it. This could be especially important for you as you mention unresolved issues with your DF which are affecting you.
There was too long a waiting list for bereavement counselling so l went for low cost self referral counselling and it did really help.

@hatethisweather sending hugs as that sounds difficult. Could it be that he knows you are grieving and doesn't want to add his stresses on to burden you further? He is just simply focusing in getting through abd doing the practical stuff??
Do you get any time together alone...just for a wee bite of lunch and a wee walk. To just be together and talk and maybe create a space to open up to each other and have a hug and realise you are both there for each other.
Sometimes wgen we are seen to be strong we are left to it because we are expected to cope, equally we need to be able to say I'd love a hug, I'm struggling today.
Counselling is a fantastic idea but I'd also suggest trying to get a wee bit of time together to reconnect.

Apologies for the typos...rushing here!!!

OP I'm so sorry for your losses.

I agree with PP that the run-up to the losses, and the losses themselves of course, are behind your feelings and those of your DH. I lost my DF this time last year, and I've found that the grief keeps manifesting in different ways. One of them is knowing I'm no longer my DF's priority, which pains me so much and makes me feel so lonely. My DP is a kind and sensitive man but he's not my DF. I do feel I've pushed DP away at times.

I second counselling if possible, talking about it together, having time alone and together with nothing else going on - very difficult to organise, I know! If nothing else, regular hugs. Keep hugging.

For at least one year after such momentous bereavements, make no major decisions about anything, if you can avoid it. Neither of you are yourselves, IYKWIM. You're becoming your new selves without your parent(s).

@@Seaoftroubles thank you so much. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through but glad you’re out the other side and coping well.
I feel everything is a bit out of my control at the moment and I feel overwhelmed by minor things.
I think I’ll try counselling alright, I’ve probably needed it a long time ago but I thought I was fine. It’s like everything is a major obstacle at the moment and DH has so much going on himself, I can’t lean on him and then I feel resentful for that…. Which I know I shouldn’t.
Thanks again and I’ll look into counselling, I’d say I’ll have to go privately too but that’s ok.

Therapy solo and therapy together

Would it be possible to phrase it that recent bereavements have shown you what’s important in life and sort of spin it that you want to spend more quality time together etc? Trying to make it a positive thing rather than a criticism or point of further tension?

@hatethisweather Thankyou, yes the loss of control and feeling overwhelmed is all part of it. Do keep posting here if it helps, and as others have advised as well as counselling try small things to help you connect with your DH, even a little walk together where you hold hands, and hugs yes, plenty of those! Wishing you all the best OP, you've both been through a tough time but hopefully it will get better.

You've both been through a lot and to be honest it sounds like you've had to put your marriage on the back seat to cope with being "in the middle" between aging and ill parents and teenagers. Life is tough for us in middle age!

Now is certainly not the time to be making permanent decisions about the future of your marriage after such a long time together.

I think that both of you are still grieving for your parents and you will be both doing it in different ways. You do need time to do this and grieving can really affect how you feel about yourself and those around you. Don't mistake this for some permanent change in relationships.

Therapy can always be useful but I feel that trying to find some time to relax together would also be really helpful. Can you find some time to get away together, something low key just to spend a bit of time together without any expectations?

Duplicate post

@Eleganz thank you. Yes, we will have to try to spend more time together and do some simple things.
We spoke yes’s little and our anniversary is coming up, so we’re going to spend a day on our own and maybe go fir a walk, followed by lunch. It’s a small step but im
hoping an essential one. Thank you again.

@IfIHadAHeart that's a great idea. I honestly don’t want to come across insensitive to his grief or too needy. So a more positive spin will definitely help
I’d say.
We had a small chat yesterday, and I do feel a little lighter today. There’s a long road ahead but hopefully we’ll get through this phase.
Thank you.

@Seaoftroubles thank you. I suppose going back a few years, we always cuddled and went for walks etc together but it kind of died out when our lives got consumed by everything and everyone else.
I will initiate some of these things again, and hopefully it’ll help. It makes sense really that we need to be close to each other and tactile to turn things around.
Thank you again.

@LuckyLinda3 sorry only seeing your reply now. I think you could be right, he’s trying to give me space to grieve, as he grieves but maybe I’m wanting more from him, but maybe he can’t give me that attention right now and I should appreciate that too.
No, we don’t get much time alone but it’s something we’re both willing to work on ( had a small, not too deep, chat last night, so that’s a step in the right direction hopefully. Thank you

@@Cantabulous sorry, I’m only seeing your reply now too.
Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss. I suppose for the both of us, it’s our first close loss and we don’t know what to expect, how it will affect us and it’s been a stressful years, so
it all adds up.
Thank you, yes, we will work on getting some time alone and hopefully it’ll make a difference.

I could have written your posts OP - so many details are the same. I hope you can get your relationship going the way you both want it to. I'm in the eye of the storm of what you describe, so can't offer advice until I'm out the other side. Good luck