How to cope with loneliness as a single parent

[Desperation]

I am in the process of finalizing my divorce. I have 2 children who live with me full time. Their father has relocated to another country but does spend a lot of time here, unfortunately most of it in my house since he doesn't have a suitable place for the children to spend time with him. The house is mine alone - he doesn't have a claim on it.

It has been nearly 2 years since we separated and I was in an verbally abusive marriage for several years before that. It is a relief to be out of it but increasingly that doesnt seem enough. The children are still young - 11 and 7. I have no other family locally, or elsewhere in the UK. I am an only child myself and no real support outside paid help. I work full-time in a demanding job and rely on an after school nanny for looking after the children till I get home. My evenings are spent with them, cooking and catching up with work after they sleep.

I don't have a life beyond work and the children. The weekends are also mostly about the kids. I have friends - all of whom are couples, who live near me and have kids of the same age / same school. I do spend time with them but feel very left out and also quite wistful looking at their relationships which seem functional and loving, at least on the surface. So much so that I feel not wanting to spend time with them, only to be reminded what my life could have been.
I am the only one in this group who is on my own.

I am 45 and terribly lonely - I would love to be in some sort of relationship with a man. For companionship, for sex (which i miss so much - i think the last time was about 5 years ago), for just feeling wanted. Not even looking for anything necessarily long term. But I have no way of "putting myself out there". Haven't met anyone suitable through work which is the place I spent most hours outside the house. I am fairly well groomed and presentable, although overweight (size 12/14) but I don't have any options to actually meet anyone outside work.

And apart from the cost of hiring a babysitter on, say, weekends, I feel too guilty leaving the children to go out then. who would I go out with anyway. I cannot imagine going the OLD route. I did add my profile once to an app called Bumble last year but didn't have anyone remotely interesting get in touch so deleted my profile. I don't have time for hobbies after work except walking sometimes.

How does one either get over feeling so lonely? On the flip side - what are some good ways to find single professional men who are actually looking to spend some time talking / getting to know one, rather than just a one night stand?

Thank you if you have managed to read this far. This is a genuine problem that is plaguing me while I try to soldier on the best I can. I want some sort of a life for myself. I feel I have wasted years.

I understand how hard this is OP. I walked in your shoes for over nine years. My husband died suddenly almost ten years ago when I was 33 and had two small children. For a long time I didn’t want to go on, but I had no choice: I had to be there for the kids. I comforted them the only way I knew how, which meant overspending because my heart ached for them, and living paycheque to paycheque. I worked five days a week because I couldn’t afford not to, and with very little family support I was always exhausted and lonely. I was so desperate for companionship that I sometimes befriended people I didn’t really like, just to feel connected. My saving grace was my job — the lovely group of women I worked with lifted my mood and kept me going. I tried online dating and found it soul-destroying. I did a lot of counselling, and slowly started to feel more like myself. Last Christmas I met someone — I don’t think a relationship is the solution to everything, but I do believe it happened because I’d become content with my life and was looking for someone to add to it, not to fix it. I hate giving advice, so I’m simply sharing my story because I completely identify with what you’re feeling.

I’ve been a single parent to two children for almost 6 years. I’ve recently started to become a it concerned that I’m too used to my own company that I’d never manage an actual relationship again! Anyone else felt like that before?

@autumngirl714 how old are your children now? I can identify with what you feel. I'm so used to doing things my way and feel I'm becoming a cranky old woman- set in my ways with limited flexibility!

Although I personally think so negatively that my spin is more that I won't be able to manage a relationship because I don't know what a functional relationship means. In any case, I doubt any man would be interested in taking on all the constraints and caveats I necessarily come with given young children.

But it's just so sad. To think I could have picked better 20 years ago when I still had the looks and degrees of freedom.

@lillybeal glad to hear you have met someone and wishing you the best. Was this through friends or work or OLD, if I may ask?

What you said about befriending people struck a chord. I look for validation everywhere. Which does make me dangerously vulnerable. I will go out of my way to help people just to get their appreciation. Like I have to forever justify that I wasn't to blame that my marriage was terrible, because - look, what a nice person I am! I'm still in touch with my ex's family and see this need playing out with them as well.