How to cope with loneliness as a single parent

[Desperation]

I am in the process of finalizing my divorce. I have 2 children who live with me full time. Their father has relocated to another country but does spend a lot of time here, unfortunately most of it in my house since he doesn't have a suitable place for the children to spend time with him. The house is mine alone - he doesn't have a claim on it.

It has been nearly 2 years since we separated and I was in an verbally abusive marriage for several years before that. It is a relief to be out of it but increasingly that doesnt seem enough. The children are still young - 11 and 7. I have no other family locally, or elsewhere in the UK. I am an only child myself and no real support outside paid help. I work full-time in a demanding job and rely on an after school nanny for looking after the children till I get home. My evenings are spent with them, cooking and catching up with work after they sleep.

I don't have a life beyond work and the children. The weekends are also mostly about the kids. I have friends - all of whom are couples, who live near me and have kids of the same age / same school. I do spend time with them but feel very left out and also quite wistful looking at their relationships which seem functional and loving, at least on the surface. So much so that I feel not wanting to spend time with them, only to be reminded what my life could have been.
I am the only one in this group who is on my own.

I am 45 and terribly lonely - I would love to be in some sort of relationship with a man. For companionship, for sex (which i miss so much - i think the last time was about 5 years ago), for just feeling wanted. Not even looking for anything necessarily long term. But I have no way of "putting myself out there". Haven't met anyone suitable through work which is the place I spent most hours outside the house. I am fairly well groomed and presentable, although overweight (size 12/14) but I don't have any options to actually meet anyone outside work.

And apart from the cost of hiring a babysitter on, say, weekends, I feel too guilty leaving the children to go out then. who would I go out with anyway. I cannot imagine going the OLD route. I did add my profile once to an app called Bumble last year but didn't have anyone remotely interesting get in touch so deleted my profile. I don't have time for hobbies after work except walking sometimes.

How does one either get over feeling so lonely? On the flip side - what are some good ways to find single professional men who are actually looking to spend some time talking / getting to know one, rather than just a one night stand?

Thank you if you have managed to read this far. This is a genuine problem that is plaguing me while I try to soldier on the best I can. I want some sort of a life for myself. I feel I have wasted years.

This is my situation no help other than to say I think you just get use to it unfortunately been single completely for 7 years now.

There must be some way out. Seems grossly unfair the way women seem to pick up the slack. It seems intolerable to have to go on this way.

Yes well people tell me to use sitters but I don't have the money and not leaving my kids with strangers anyway. I posted a similar post and people told me that my ex isn't "childcare" 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄 I have family but they wouldn't look after my children I'm only 35 and have been celibate for 7 years feel like life is over for me but nothing I can do.

I've been a single parent for 3 years now and I often feel very lonely too. I have lots of friends locally but they are all married and it often feels like I am just tagging along to parties etc as they all do things as couples and sometimes it just feels a bit awkward being on my own. I miss sex and companionship, it would be so lovely to have someone to give me a hug, ask how my day has been etc. I also work full time, so with work and my 3 kids (7, 11 & 14) I have no time for dating or hobbies. I have just accepted that this will be my life until they are a lot older. It is hard at times but I can't see a way to change it.

I'm just waiting till mine have grown up then I will get a life back then. My oldest will soon be old enough to babysit in a few more years.

Sending a wee bit of solidarity- similar situation. But my children go to their dad alternate weekends so I do have some child-free time.

I did OLD in the last year & had a relationship for 6 months - but it fell apart as we had so little time together.

OLD has been a mixed bag but I can only do it in short bursts as some of the men are so awful. Tried speed dating too, but only once.

I thankfully have another single parent friend & we socialise together, she is absolutely brilliant.

I wish I had some better advice or answers, but the only conclusion I have come to is to wait until my children are older.

I have a fair few years to go before my children are old enough to be left alone. The only time i get off is about 3 weeks each in summer and winter school holidays. Begs the question though - if there are so many separated / divorced families around where women are the primary caregivers, where are the men who are looking for partners in their 30s/40s? Dating younger / single childless women?

I feel I need to work extra hard to keep up at work given the bulk of childcare i do. I am ambitious and do want to progress fast in my career (esp since i cant reply on my ex to contribute anything). It takes so much effort to keep on top of everything and go the extra mile at work to show i am well positioned for promotion. Just buying a house and setting it up on my own while juggling everything else nearly killed me even though I do the bare minimum.

@ADVICENEEDED987 I can so relate to what you feel. I also feel as if I am tagging along with friends who pity me and are probably overly inclusive because of this. I try to go the extra mile in being hospitable and inviting people over often. But that is also hard work since I struggle to socialise and cook / serve all at the same time. Having another single parent as a friend would be hugely helpful, because most couples don't "get it". Some try to make it sound like their life isn't very different from mine since their partner travels frequently on work.

I remember how, in my first few months living on my own with my children, I had to teach my older child who to dial in case of an emergency and i used to get my mother to do a welfare check in on phone with me every day. I live in eternal fear of my nanny leaving (imminent, since she wants to switch careers) and the massive disruption this will cause our lives.

Use dating apps like Tinder.
It is incredibly easy to find good looking guys to hookup with.

I created a profile and within 3 days had 1000 likes. I just had to pick around 20 to 30 of the hottest guys from the 1000. I chatted with them and around 10 gave out their numbers willing to meet up for sex. All in less than a week!

You are certainly not alone in feeling this, depending on where you live there is likely to be a group for single parents to socialise together, find it and join it, because I found that was the key to a much more joyful existence post divorce.

Check Facebook or Meetup or similar, if there's not one, start one. There is nothing worse than watching people play happy families on a Sunday, don't do it. I have a friend who really threw herself into single parent life and has been on the most excellent holidays with them, and even managed a couple of flings.

We are absolutely not designed to raise children in isolation and it can be miserable until you find your groove, other single parents saved my Sunday afternoon bacon.

I think I am only alive because of my child. I have nobody. No parents no family near by. Christmas is by far the worst ... But every day I get up and fake it for my daughter's sake. She gives me strength to push through. I cry most nights but the next day I brush myself down and think or hope something good will happen soon. I am here to provide for her and her future. I have a job WFH but have work interactions during day at the weekend and evenings I speak to no adults apart from folk in the shop when I need groceries. I used to be a keen runner and had social groups but got injured and had op but not fixed. I go for walks now but I don't enjoy that.... 3 a day to try and replace running. I try to chat with dog walkers and that's nice. Me and my thoughts is very tiring. When I go to the hairdresser that's a nice social interaction too.

@Mackalyn I'm sorry to read about the rough time you are having. Is it possible for you to go in to an office for work more often? I feel going to work and the significant social interaction I get there is very helpful for my state of mind. I feel like a different person and more confident of myself. Even the pain that involves- of a long tube commute- offsets the feeling of finding something in myself different from whatever crap personal situation I have. Unfortunately social interactions at work haven't led to a new relationship but still... I also feel I take more care of my appearance because i go into work 3 to 4 days a week.

I think we should both individually look into Meetups being organized locally. I don't have much childcare outside work hours but no harm trying.

Please consider seeing a professional, a therapist etc to help you, that's no way to live, I don't want to think of anyone being in such a lonely place, please do it for you & your child.

I'm a sociable type & friends are so so important, I had a really bleak time when my last parent died, single dad, little kid, horrible time, friends can get you through & if you can't run, maybe swim or cycle or gym work. For me exercise is crucial for MH, absolutely crucial.

Thank you my office is a 4 hour commute sadly. I've tried gym etc as love exercise but everything aggravates my ankle and having no joy with NHS. My previous op I paid privately and it didn't work sadly. I joined a women's walking group but all the times the walks have been on I have had to take my daughter to her hobby. It's mostly older ladies but I don't care ! I am going to work from a coffee shop today as I feel pretty miserable and I was so down last night I never made my 6 am walk today. My team have a virtual get together every Monday about the weekend but I have nothing to say really so I always dread that 😳 thanks for posting anyway

I think you need to get out of the mindset that you need a man to be happy. You don't. If anything the opposite is true. Read the endless threads on how shit they are. Find something else.

Certainly never mentioned needing a man at all

@bragpuss - that's patronising & a bit insulting.

You can actually feel immense loneliness when in a relationship.

Equally, there's a certain type of social isolation, drudgery & loneliness as a single parent, especially if you don't have a good support network.

Very true I've experienced both

Looking back at this thread which I posted over a year ago. I wish I could have updated those who commented with some positive news. But - no. I am still an overworked, lonely mum. I wish I could say I have filled my life with social stuff and found love, but I haven't. I have posted under other aliases on this forum on my misadventures with online dating, which I have now given up on entirely. Can't think of a single good date I had which led to others. I feel i am now totally unlovable, especially given the constraints my children place on my time.

And it is so, so hard. Since my children are with me over 90% of their time, there is no respite from the daily cycle of corporate work, cooking, homework, life admin. And it all comes to me since their dad doesn't contribute any effort. I feel envious of those in functioning relationships (nearly everyone around me). This is not what I thought my life would be at 46.

@Desperation can fully relate to your post. my dc is an older teen. no advice just solidarity. my loneliness has really affected me and made me quite introverted also. Everyone around me is happily married. I'm finding work especially hard atm as all my colleagues have or seem to have lovely husbands and home lives, extended families, exciting plans. their lives seem to be moving forwards, and it's isolating. I'm actually thinking of leaving the job I've loved for 10 years. I no longer fit in.

@Desperation a few things that came to me from your post, that you don't want to see coupled up friends, and that you are upset you haven't met anyone decent yet.

I think you need to bite your tongue and force yourself to nurture your friendships more rather than hide away and feel low. If they are decent people, then that can only be a good thing purely because you need friendships.

I have young children of a similar age, single parent with kids about 95% of the time. No parents. Dad sees them in the holidays when he can but day to day its me. He was also abusive with me but has made big changes and is happily married. Yes I have a moan at times because every child in the class has two parents, or amazing stepdads whereas im doing everything alone, and its harder when they are older and play up/want a dad at home. But I still try and make friends where I can, as i recognise generally it's good for my mental health, especially to have female friends.

I also hold down a busy corporate job but im able to wfh. I have no time for big hobbies!

With men, its a whole lot easier for a man to step into that stepdad scenario when the bio dad is hardly around. In my case, my ex sees the children when he can at hols, or calls every day, so hes present from a distance. They live permanently with me. My most recent childless ex, who I was completely smitten with, couldn't handle that, or that I had responsibilities for my children and we split up. So in a weird way, you have that on your side if that's what you want.

Online dating has become much harder because everyone was using it so much harder to separate the dross from anyone decent. However if you use it with an open mind, and not the be all and end all, there's always a chance. Personally I feel I have no control over meeting 'the right one' so I focus on things I can control, so friendships, my work, working on myself like my health/weight/looks! I think these make me happier in baby steps rather than the disappointment of hoping I meet 'the one' to change all of this. It took ages to feel that way but id dated several nice men where things ended sadly and I just gave up on men till my most recent ex! If you've not had a single successful date, then ask yourself why? Are you picking badly, or coming across badly/negatively? You're clearly getting some dates but something isn't working there.

I think ask yourself what you would tell your kids to do in your situation. I'm sure you'd never want them to be miserable and you'd want them to be happy. Im certainly going to tell my kids to meet someone earlier in life, have kids earlier. But I also wouldn't want them to spend years feeling sad.

I went out with a couple of groups on meet ups, it was a lot of other single people looking for nights out and not about dating. Having company and making friends was great.

i don’t go any more but have stayed friend with others who are great and we meet up as singles

Hi OP, been my situation for almost 10 years now. Working from home for 5 years was so isolating and I ended up with extreme burnout. Are you able to take a sabbatical?

Thank you for sharing your perspectives.
A sabbatical may not achieve anything- also can't afford not to work - not as much from a financial perspective (although that matters since ex doesnt work so my income stays us afloat) as much as meed to stay on the corporate ladder - reasonably high earning corporate job.

I would love to have a functional divorced life ie kids with dad 50-50 or even 70-30 which would give me time, evenings - oh, the endless possibilities.

I do like going to office (4 of 5 days) since I feel appreciated. I dress nicely and get out. Have a social life. Meet friends briefly in between work and before my nanny has to leave. I know that many value the flexibility of wfh but not me.

I should look into meet ups - I see there are a few. But evenings are so precious given the homework, dinner routine. And I feel guilty perpetually. My children compare themselves to "functional" 2 parent families and in a way blame me for divorcing their abusive father. So I over compensate with giving them even more time. And time is so precious.

At one point I was meeting people off bumble once a week. But the hassle and effort of meeting what mostly turned out to be people who had no interest in me as a person except for possibly sex was so discouraging. I just stopped.

I miss companionship. I do have friends but it does hurt to see shiny happy people everywhere when I'm more "paint it black"!

@Desperation I think the key point is you can't make the relationship happen, you can only focus on yourself and hopefully you'll meet someone decent. My kids also want a 2 parent family, and forget how abusive my ex was. But when they are older, ill be able to guide them and be a role model that you don't have to stay in a horrible relationship.

It's no consolation but I hope you find your happiness

@MikeRafone thank you. Whay type of meet ups did you go to- were they specifically for dating or other interest groups? And were the people you met and continue to meet not looking to date? I just wonder if they found people they got along with, why they didn't progress to dating them? I'm guessing - and may be wrong - were there more women than men?

Sorry for the qs - just trying to figure out meet ups before I find a suitable event to go to. Thanks.