Parents couldn’t be bothered to attend my graduation

[amiwronghelpPlease]

Hi all, I’d like to get outside perspectives to see if I’m being unreasonable.

BACKGROUND:

• we all live in the UK in this university city
• parents don’t drive
• I didn’t attend a graduation ceremony for my bachelors due to Covid as we had serious illness in the immediate family.

My graduation ceremony for my masters degree was on Wednesday. I found out the date for the day at the beginning of the year and shared this with everyone and my family were all very excited.

Fast forward to the week of, and my parents notify me that they won’t be able to attend as they don’t have anything to wear and can’t afford to get to the university as they don’t drive and don’t want to get public transport there.

I’m very upset about this as of course I wanted my parents to be there, but I think I’m most upset that they couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to buy outfits and save money for transport (or get public transport) to come! Just to say, they aren’t wealthy but both earn decent amounts combined, however overspend on unnecessary luxuries every month on their paydays and run out of money for the essentials after a couple of weeks.

The day before on Tuesday, my parents said they may attend, they’ll see if they can put together money to buy outfits but they weren’t sure yet and would have to see. I told them not to bother as their attitude really deflated the excitement of the event for me and I didn’t want to be left hanging until the morning of to know what was going on.

(I didn’t say this part to them)

I guess I have two questions:

1. am I in the wrong for being upset that they didn’t attend?
2. was I wrong to tell them not to bother coming after all the faff?

thanks for your advice

They're arseholes. I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation I didn't even bother to graduate because it wouldn't even have occurred to me to invite my parents.

Congratulations 🎊
I'm still gutted on of my DDs didn't get a graduation for her Bachelors because of Covid and couldn't wait to celebrate her graduation from her Masters. Unfortunately she hated it as they wanted to do it all online even though covid was done so she dropped it. That's a real shame your parents couldn't do this for you. Doesn't feel like it now but I'm sure they'll look back and realise this was their loss.

This is just awful.
Congratulations OP and I hope you had great classmates and tutors with you on your big day.

I do not think they ever intended to attend your graduation ceremony. I would also think this is but the latest in a long line of crap behaviour from them towards you. You’re the scapegoat here in this family and your sister is likely to be the more favoured golden child. This is nothing to do with confidence or a perceived lack of. If your mother could attend your sister’s graduation there is no reason why she could not have also attended yours.

Congratulations!

My mum didn't attend my graduation because she preferred to be on holiday. She went to the same place at the same time every year, and my graduation fell during that time. I have never quite forgiven her.

Congratulations OP. I’m not surprised you’re upset. It’s very selfish behaviour and I’d struggle to forgive it.

My mum has never even bothered to ask me what I’m studying, so there’s no chance of her coming to my graduation. It’s shit.

What should parents do when dc won't attend their graduation? It's the same inconsiderate behaviour. My Dsis could not be bothered to go and denied DM. It felt cruel as our DF had died a year earlier. Some people are just incapable of thinking of others.

This sounded like my mum when I finished my BA. While she did attend, she made so much fuss about the cost, what to wear, how stressful it all was, why she couldn't smoke at the ceremony/on the steps/on the train (and kept disappearing to smoke on a non smoking campus - she refused to use a mobile phone back then so we kept losing her) and then sat with a face like a slapped arse in the pub afterwards that I'd taken her and her boyfriend to for a meal (that they naturally expected me to pay for because it was outside of their routine)....

Sorry, flashback there! But trying to make that point you've done the right thing. I'm sorry they couldn't put you first, massive congrats on the masters. Have fun with folk who will appreciate you. They don't deserve to go.

That's not normal behaviour. I reckon your parents are probably weird in lots of ways that you'll come to see over the years.

Why can't they just reuse the outfits from your sister's graduation anyway?

I wonder if there's something else going on that you don't know about.

Well done in graduating your masters!
That’s wonderful.
Sorry about your parents.
Sorry I’m not sure if it was last week or next week.

Could you say, here’s £20 for travel and you can wear what you wore to sisters graduation last year. I’d be very sad if you can’t make it, but if you can’t I’ll ask sister/grandma/aunt/neighbour to support me on the day. (Hopefully it will shame them a bit!)

Congratulations on your fantastic achievement.
I dread these big events too- not my thing at all and had to mingle with awful ex and new partner on the day, but I would not have missed my child's graduation for all the tea in China.
I have shitty parents too. Be better if and when you become a parent yourself and give yourself a bloody big hug for success despite having them as parents!

Their excuses certainly seem questionnable - if they bought new outfitls for your sister's graduation last year then they at least had those outfits to wear.

I agree with the comfort zone suggestion. Certainly, if they are usually interested, and show pride, and indeed they did when it was first announced - either something has changed in the meantime (are they covering up another reason, like one of them not being well?) or they fell they would be out of place and embarass you or themselves.

I would have to discuss it with them, and explain how hurtful they were.

But that will depend on your usual relationship. If they are generally loving, supportive parents then it would be a worthwhile conversation.

I think it's been built up into something it's not.

There is simply no need to buy outfits for a graduation.. If you have built it up as though its some massive event where they need new outfits etc they may have felt overwhelmed with your expectations of them and feel like they are letting you down in some way and won't fit in.

What's wrong with their regular clothes or indeed the outfit she bought for your sister's graduation.

Have you perhaps made such a big deal of the whole thing that they are scared of showing you up so it became easier for them to say they couldn't come ?

Most Parents would do their best to be there. Even if they had asked for help from you with transport. You had given them enough notice. As a parent I know I would feel so proud of my kids for this!

They don't even need a new outfit! How awful of them not to value and acknowledge your hard work. I'd be fuming...

Are they co-dependent? Do both have the same view ?

Congratulations you did fantastic.
How selfish and self centred of them.
They are just thinking of inconvenience to them rather than your feelings.
Sorry it hurts doesn't it.
I don't get it at all.
It would make me feel different about them I hate to say....
Disappointing.

You are amazing OP. Yes it's shitty-I had to endure my ex-H who is an abusive sociopathic narcissist, but I can push through my complete hatred of him to support my kids. The last place I want to be is in his company.
Just a thought - perhaps they have social anxiety or social inferiority? Either way, make sure you celebrate!

🤣 this is so true!

I would get up at 3 in morning to watch to my kids graduation.
This is lazy and weird behaviour.

I would walk miles if couldn't afford the bus not to let them down.
Remember it.

Why do they need new outfits? It's not Bridgerton.

Your parents were really hurtful and selfish and frankly, snobby saying they don't want to get public transport. Why not? Is public transport very dangerous where you live?

Next time they want to see you you should say you don't feel like getting public transport and haven't saved for a taxi. And the next time, and the next time, and the next time after that.

My parents came to my masters ceremony, I went up to get it had a scan to see them but couldn't, but was only up there for a few seconds. Anyway met them outside and turns out they had left the venue as it was so hot inside! So didn't actually see me get handed my diploma! Have to say I was very disappointed, so I imagine you were gutted!
And they had previously flown to see me get my undergraduate degree as I went to uni abroad, and treated me and four friends to dinner after, so they were great but I was still a bit hurt. But yours are next level and beyond!

@GardenGnomeDefender

Snobby!? Snobby is not wanting to park the Roller at the uni!