Parents couldn’t be bothered to attend my graduation

[amiwronghelpPlease]

Hi all, I’d like to get outside perspectives to see if I’m being unreasonable.

BACKGROUND:

• we all live in the UK in this university city
• parents don’t drive
• I didn’t attend a graduation ceremony for my bachelors due to Covid as we had serious illness in the immediate family.

My graduation ceremony for my masters degree was on Wednesday. I found out the date for the day at the beginning of the year and shared this with everyone and my family were all very excited.

Fast forward to the week of, and my parents notify me that they won’t be able to attend as they don’t have anything to wear and can’t afford to get to the university as they don’t drive and don’t want to get public transport there.

I’m very upset about this as of course I wanted my parents to be there, but I think I’m most upset that they couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to buy outfits and save money for transport (or get public transport) to come! Just to say, they aren’t wealthy but both earn decent amounts combined, however overspend on unnecessary luxuries every month on their paydays and run out of money for the essentials after a couple of weeks.

The day before on Tuesday, my parents said they may attend, they’ll see if they can put together money to buy outfits but they weren’t sure yet and would have to see. I told them not to bother as their attitude really deflated the excitement of the event for me and I didn’t want to be left hanging until the morning of to know what was going on.

(I didn’t say this part to them)

I guess I have two questions:

1. am I in the wrong for being upset that they didn’t attend?
2. was I wrong to tell them not to bother coming after all the faff?

thanks for your advice

Mine have never managed to be pleased or happy about anything I’ve done it’s much better to focus on the people that care leave them to being miserable and congratulations xx

hmmm. I found my own graduation very underwhelming and a lot of pomp and ceremony for very little reason.

3 hours of clapping!!!!!

I wish I hadn't gone myself

That's a fantastic achievement, I can't believe your parents won't make the effort to attend the ceremony. Surely they're incredibly proud of you, I would be. And who cares what the parents wear to these things, I just wore a bog standard summer frock to my daughter's graduation.
Do you have other relatives who could attend, I know it's not the same as having your mum and dad but it might shame them a little.

You're not unreasonable on either count.
Congratulations on gaining your masters degree. You should be really proud of yourself and this achievement. Your future sounds much brighter than your parents.
Don't let their bad priorities drag you down.

YANBU and YANBU.

Congratulations on your masters.

I'm sorry your parents have treated you so badly. I don't agree with the previous posters making excuses for them. If they didn't know what to wear, they could have asked you.

Ds1 didn't have a graduation in person due to covid but we still had a bit of a do (family only) at home and watched the virtual ceremony online. Dd is graduating this year and her dad and I are super excited. I didn't end up buying a new dress but if I hadn't found anything I like, would have worn something I already have. Her dad has given no thought to clothing but will presumably wear something he already has.

Congratulations for your Masters

I agree with some other pp - your parents are feeling out of their comfort zone and coming up with excuses not to attend. Poor excuses, yes.

I didn't even buy anything new for my graduations - just wore standard office stuff.

Really weird of them. When I graduated my mum, dad, sister, grandpa grandma uncle and aunt all rocked up!

I can't understand it. Are they envious?

Have they always been like this?

Do you have any siblings? What is their experience with them?

Were you allocated tickets for all of them?

Yep!

@amiwronghelpPlease

I fear they have no confidence. They are worried about feeling out of place. Imposter syndrome.

Obviously they don't need new clothes. It's not a hugely dressy affair is it. Maybe you could reassure them that they can come as they are. Could you fund a taxi for them? Could any friends or relatives help out? Maybe engage relatives to put some "pressure" on - in the nicest possible way!

I'm sorry your parents have not been more enthusiastic. Are they always like this?

Thanks for the responses everyone!

Interesting to see the take about them feeling out of their comfort zone. I actually agree with this to an extent but my mum went to my sisters graduation last year in a different city and my mum bought a new outfit!

I suspect it may be confidence as they’re quite old-school in their thinking in terms of feeling like the uni you graduate from is everything. I did my masters at one of the ‘better’ unis which they’ve always been a bit wrapped up in, whereas my sister didn’t go to one of the ‘better’ unis.

It’s just weird as they seemed excited to come at the time, and acting as if they had to come up until this month actually came around

I don't really get the big deal about graduation. It's a pretty boring event.

Either lots of people in your family have done it (not exciting) or barely anyone has (not very relevant).

You are on stage for about 30 seconds shaking someone's hand. They don't know anyone else there.

Well done on your achievement- that's the celebration rather than the event, imo.

You were lucky!

It’s equally boring for everyone else in the audience, though, and they’re all still there…
It’s about showing support, not having a knees up.

I really don’t understand parents like this!

Our eldest graduated last year and we couldn’t wait to share his special day, even my mum and youngest went(albeit they watched on video screen from the student union as only allowed 2 tickets) . None of us got new clothes and we got public transport there. Dh had broken his ankle and really struggled on the day to get about on crutches and a cast but he wouldn’t have missed it.

Dh and I felt a bit out of place, we were a lot younger than most of the parents and there were lots of posh voices about but we made the best as we couldn’t wait to share our sons day.

Id be upset if I was you too.

congratulations on your masters. Hard work and determination got you there.

They should want to be there. I would agree with others it’s about being overwhelmed by the thought of the event but since they’ve managed one before I don’t think they have an excuse!

You should tell them you’re upset.

I’m with you x2 awful behaviour. I’ll go to everything and anything for my kids as long as there is breath in my body.

Congratulations, I hope you found a way to celebrate.

Many congratulations 🎉 OP. You deserve better than this from your parents. I would have given anything to go to my DD's graduation. It was a difficult day as both I and my exh went. She could only get 2 tickets. She went out to lunch with her Dad whilst I ate alone then he went home then I took her food shopping and then out to dinner. Neither of us would have missed it for the world though.

I don't really remember looking around and thinking anything much about any parent. No one wore anything that great or that bad so no memory of anyone else. At the time DD1s uni had well over 40% private schools entrants but at graduation, who knew? When DD2 graduated she got hers from Grayson Perry. That was actually interesting.

I know some grads don't go themselves and deny parents a day out when they have supported them. I think that's selfish, as is parents not going because it's out of their comfort zone.

My daughter will get her masters in July, hounds of hell couldn't keep me away, would go in my pyjamas if need be. Your parents behaviour is shitty and you deserve so much better. Many congratulations on your masters, I know how hard you must have worked xx

I'd crawl over broken glass to get to either of my kids graduation. If and when you have your own kids I reckon you'll be the most involved, supportive parent because of your experience.

My DM decided that my undergraduate graduation wasn't worth attending as I didn't get a first, DF wasn't fussed either.
Neither got an invitation to my subsequent graduations.

You aren't wrong to feel sad and upset.

So sorry, that’s really awful. Of course they should have been there. They could have put the money aside over the course of a few months in order to attend. You are right to feel hurt by this and your feelings valid.

Congratulations on your achievement.