Is it selfish to just want to do stuff that makes you happy?

[Simplefoke]

I came out of a long marriage to an awful man, aggressive, selfish and abusive. I was a people pleaser and terribly depressed and anxious. I’ve been out of that for years and been in a nice relationship for years also now.

The thing is I’ve developed this mindset now where if I don’t want to I won’t. I do things that make me feel happy and I avoid things that don’t. I mean I have 2 kids and a partner so I do a load for them also. Outside of that I’m quite selfish. Im thinking people think I’m selfish. I developed autoimmune issues also after my marriage. My health is my most important guide and it does feel selfish but if I do too much I suffer and therefore my children as I’m bed bound. I put myself first.

This is feeling so alien to me, is this normal when you’ve been a people pleaser?

The thing is I’ve developed this mindset now where if I don’t want to I won’t.

What sort of things are you talking about?

Not going to your friend’s Tupperware sale? Great.
Not organising your kid’s dental appointment? Not so much.

For social things, it’s worth remembering that nobody really cares that much whether you do or don’t. We rush about beating ourselves up about not wanting to go to a party or a dinner when actually the people asking us would have been absolutely fine with a prompt and polite no.

It’s difficult to say without specific examples but if doing too much makes you Iii then I’d say you are right to stop.
My belief is if you have children then they come first.
If you can’t put them first then don’t have them.
It really is that simple.
There is absolutely no excuse for having children and then carrying on as if you are childfree.
That is not to say that children get exactly what they want, I’m not saying that at all.
However having children, both parents working full time, then say one of them going for drinks after work every Friday, not going home until the dcs are in bed. Then going off doing a hobby for hours on end on a Sunday, going out by themselves another night. Maybe going on holiday with friends several times a year and leaving the dcs with the other parent=selfish.

I suppose I mean making efforts with people who don’t make the effort in return. Trying to include people who don’t. Trying with my partners parents who do nothing in return. I’m focusing my energy instead of how I did before which was to be nice to everyone even if I received nothing and feeling exhausted and crap. Buying stuff and wearing stuff I like despite people making comments. Raising my children how I like despite people’s comments. Not watering myself down anymore for people. I’m fed up of always being nice or accommodating and it not being returned.

I’ve never asked for alone time without the children. I’ve started saying right I’m going in the bath and locking the door and it’s your problem.(to partner) Before they all came in the bathroom and I had no time to relax.

This sounds fine. It's how people who are not people pleases live. This is especially wise when you have a limited amount of energy due to your condition. It's just the residual people-pleaser in you that is making you feel guilty, you've not shead your ways completely, but you are learning and getting there out of sensible necessity, and there's nothing wrong with that.

This is all fine. Sounds like were bending over backwards to please other people before.
I'm against purely selfish behaviour, all the time. Sometimes you have to put yourself out for others. But yes, absolutely fine not to be making efforts with other people who give nothing in return.

@Opentooffers I wasn’t sure if I was just being selfish because it feels selfish to do things that I want for no other reason other than I want to. It must be nice to not be a people pleaser.

@SallyWD yeah I will put myself out for people who need it. Before I was flogging dead horses trying to form relationships with people who weren’t bothered or weren't capable and then worrying there was something wrong with me. Sod them now.

It sounds like you feel bad if you do something for you… I can understand that I think often we can fall into a trap of just running around looking after everyone all the time.

of course our children come first, but its not selfish to do things for you sometimes.

What you say on here doesn’t sound in the least unreasonable, but, remembering your other thread about ‘not fitting in anywhere’ and being unable to relate to people in all kinds of ordinary social situations, including work and your ILs, I suspect the situation is more complex than this post suggests. If you only do what you want to do, in practice does this mean never seeing other people at all? As someone who grew up with two friendless, isolated parents, I don’t think modelling this attitude to human relationships is great for children.

Buying stuff and wearing stuff I like despite people making comments. Raising my children how I like despite people’s comments

This is so odd - who are these people and why do they see fit to comment? No one has ever done this to me in my entire life. Okay, maybe my mother may occasionally have made suggestions, but no one else.

@TheCatJumps The thing is I do have people in my life I get on with well. For some reason I seem to focus on those who don’t and try and “persuade them” I’m good or worth knowing. I have about 5 people in my life who are good friends and I should just stick to those and put my energy there. I’m also part of a couple of hobby groups and we socialise with our children at times. This is where I need to put my energy. I’m always trying to focus on family when it’s clear I can’t get what I need from them.

@PaminaMozart family always making underhand comments, especially in laws. I used to dress very out there but have dulled down a lot over the decades because of comments.

Then that sounds very reasonable.

OP this sounds fine and l think you've got it right. Don't go out of your way to please those that don't value you or give anything back. Match their energy. Concentrate on your children, partner and friendship group.
l remember from your previous thread you said your close friends are quirky, like you, and l think it's great that you've found your people. Oh, and wear what you like if it makes you happy, you sound lovely!

I’ve been getting myself into a mess with my thinking I was basing my worth on what other people thought of me. My mum is not emotional. I think I’ve learnt from her to look out of myself for my worth because she has never encouraged me growing up. I was a problem.

Is your partner your kids' father?

It might help to remember that selfish people only do things for themselves, whilst unselfish people do things for themselves and do things for others.

Doing things for yourself isn't one of the variables. Unless you are actively discarding the feelings of those you care about, in favour of your own feelings, then no, you're not 'selfish'.

And yes, if you've been doing things a certain way all your life, and now you're doing them differently, it will feel weird for a bit. You'll get used to it, especially when you realise how brilliant your life has become.

@Watchkeys I will always do things for my children and for my my partner and my family and friends who give us their time and support us. I was doing things like going over to my in laws more trying to get them to like me and going over to my own family less who are the ones actually helping and supporting us. I’ve got it all wrong. My illness makes me selective with my energy and it needs to go to those who need it. It does make me feel odd.

Jesus is this how normal people operate….sorry you don’t do anything for me so walk on. I haven’t really thought of it before that you both need to be getting something out of the connection.

No-one should comment on someone else's appearance unless asked, unless they are your child or they are wearing something very inappropriate. Pull up people who comment on your clothes and ask them why they feel the need to comment. Most people don't spend more time than they have to with people they don't get on with. It's OK for some people not to like you and you to not like some people. Concentrate on the people whose company you enjoy. Just do the unpleasant things that need doing eg meeting deadlines, going to dentist. Don't create hurdles for yourself. Your inlaws are your husband's problem, just see them when you need to and pull them up if they're rude.

You're not being selfish .... you're enforcing your new found boundaries OP.

Well bloody done to you.👏🏽

Never try to get anyone to like you. Liking things is a natural phenomenon. You can't get someone to like you any more than you can get someone to like eating sprouts. What people with a healthy mindset do is select their people according to their feelings, rather than trying to change feelings to suit the people. So, don't try to get anyone to like you. If you don't like them, stay away from them as much as you can. If you think they don't like you, stay away from them as much as you can. Spend time with people you love, who love you.

Your life isn't for trying to direct feelings; not yours, not anybody else's. Your life is for you to live as you, personally, want to.

It's normal. Liberate yourself from the angst and don't do things you don't want to do.

This is what I'm aiming for! Sounds perfect to me. Surely it's just maintaining boundaries?