Is it selfish to just want to do stuff that makes you happy?

[Simplefoke]

I came out of a long marriage to an awful man, aggressive, selfish and abusive. I was a people pleaser and terribly depressed and anxious. I’ve been out of that for years and been in a nice relationship for years also now.

The thing is I’ve developed this mindset now where if I don’t want to I won’t. I do things that make me feel happy and I avoid things that don’t. I mean I have 2 kids and a partner so I do a load for them also. Outside of that I’m quite selfish. Im thinking people think I’m selfish. I developed autoimmune issues also after my marriage. My health is my most important guide and it does feel selfish but if I do too much I suffer and therefore my children as I’m bed bound. I put myself first.

This is feeling so alien to me, is this normal when you’ve been a people pleaser?

I think it's healthy to look after your boundaries in this way. Certainly for daily stuff but also big stuff. My partner loves skiing but I hate it. In the past in my marriage etc id have gone along with it despite feeling miserable but now he just knows it's a no from me and he can go with his friends. I can't say he isn't a bit disappointed but I don't want to. It's quite hard to argue against something explicitly framed as"don't want to"!

@Watchkeys I feel funny around people who I know don’t like me. I think there are various sayings about how you can tell how people feel about you by their level of interest in you. I’m pretty sure my partners mum especially doesn’t like me. She is off with me. I can tell we do this dance of I’ll pretend whilst you’re here but I won’t do anything else. She is my partners mum and I’d really like to like her and get on but it isnt happening. I feel so bloody awkward I don’t know how to behave. I’ve tried talking about her hobbies and showing interest, inviting her to things, being on my best most nice behaviour. Other people not family related I’m happy to just do small talk and walk off. I just want to ask what her bloody problem is….im afraid I’ll probably get a long list.

@HowNice23 in my marriage I could not say this at all. I don’t want too created massive rows. I’m a bit afraid still of just saying I don’t want to. I think it’s what built up the resentment because I went and did things I didn’t want to for fear of the backlash.

Well you can stop calling yourself selfish. This is a normal level of having boundaries and demanding (rightfully) what you're entitled to eg a bath in peace. Calling yourself selfish shows you still feel bad for it. You can stop!

You should not feel bad for going NC or not entertaining people, be them friends or family, who don't offer you support or friendship. I have also reached the stage in my life where I will do anything and everything for my close family and DH and my close friends; these are people who show me they love me with deeds and words. But anyone else who hasn't 'been there' for me over recent years can frankly jog on. They might think I'm selfish but I call it self preservation. We have zero control over what people think of us really. Be at peace with your decision OP.

Why are you so keen to invite her to things when you don't get on? Just accept the only thing you have in common is your husband and spend your time with people who like you. It's OK to just tolerate each other. You may get closer with time if you don't try and force a relationship

I have this mindset too now, I wont do anything I don't want to as wasted too many years on relationships that drained me completely.

I now have people in my life who respect and love me for me, and it's reciprocated. So I don't feel any pressure.

@2Rebecca because I really wanted us to get along. My family isn’t very close unfortunately and it would be nice to be part of a family and feel that bond. His mum
just isn’t like that with me. The other son and family she is much closer to and supports more for whatever reason. I suppose we are just too different, but it’s a shame we cant just embrace our differences but we can’t. I don’t think she is keen on me because I’m not the kind of partner she wanted. I expect her son to do his part in the house and looking after kids etc, which he does, he’s a good guy. I think she wanted a wife for him
that would stay at home and look after his needs. She’s made enough comments on it over the years. I think and thinks Im holding him hostage some how.

I'm the same. It's my time and I'll do what I want. I've been beholden to to many people who get rid as soon as I'm done serving them. Fuck that.

Looking back I wish I had spent far less time with my ex in-laws.
One positive thing about divorcing their son was never having to see them again 😀
You do what’s best for you.
You sound fine.

Apart from my family and a few others I'm now looking after number one , especially in the workplace. Saw a colleague not even be thanked or given anything by
management on the day they retired after thirty years of service despite bring a model employee .

You sound like you discovered boundaries just in time, OP. Nothing you have written here sounds odd to me about having a bath just by yourself, or only sticking to friends that make you feel accepted, or measuring out your energy if you have limited amounts, not spending huge amounts of time persuading people who are mean/judgy to like you- all of this sounds fine to me and what I do in my life.

I don't think it is selfish though, you have to look after yourself as a mum so you have something to give your children, and if you don't have the time or energy to do that, then that is a shame. It's not selfish, it's distributing your time and energy according to the people who really need you.

I get the impression in the past you have tried to make people like you- and they still don't, or you don't fit with them, so just accept that, be pleasant if you see them but don't spend energy trying to please them as you won't.

You also do have to accept in life some people just either don't like you or you aren't their favourite person but they have to tolerate you. You don't absolutely adore your MIL so why do you think she should adore you? Just rub along together, don't slag her off to the kids, and let your partner lead the way with family events.

@Quiteavibe I totally get what you are saying. I think I find it triggering. Like deep down somewhere I don’t think I’m likable. Probably because I was brought up to think this. Like I did my mum I tried to please to be liked and it’s kind of stuck. I find it hard to accept that she likes the other DIL and is really kind to her but not me. Yes we are different people, the other DIL is a quiet introvert and I think the mum is also so they get on. I’ve just got a bit more confident in being louder and talking and I think she finds me too much probably. I go by how I feel about things and she seems to find me alien.

Op from what you have said about the in laws they don’t sound very nice.
Ignore their nasty comments.
Pull back from them.
Stop trying to please them.
Wear the clothes that make you happy.
I for one am fed up of seeing endless ‘clones’ walking about in their dull jogging bottoms and matching hair cuts.
Be yourself and don’t apologise for it.

They are ok @Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions. I get the feeling they look down on me because I was in an abusive relationship prior. I have a child with him. When they talk it’s like Im from another planet, one where we are all dysfunctional and bring it on ourselves. Their opinion on things is arrogant and they have no awareness whatsoever. They have no experience of divorce or break up so they’ve told me but they quick to have opinions.

I was just thinking this morning how healing from abuse changes. The amount of stages I’ve gone through and now I’m in this don’t give 2 fucks really. I’ve started noticing people and who is worth my attention and who isn’t because I want a nice life.

Apart from your families needs , after you have taken care of them live your life for yourself. Fuck everyone else .