Am I in love with my best friend?

[givemesomewine]

I'll try keep this as short as possible..

Basically, a couple of years ago my 8 year relationship with my child's dad came to an end. I met this guy within a month at work, completely unexpectedly found him intriguing, enjoyed his company and naturally we got to know each other (we work in the same building).. the more we got to know each other, we got extremely close really quick. After a few months of having a very intense connection and it feeling 100 miles an hour we called it off. We were both so overwhelmed and it became unenjoyable.. It was way too soon for me and we were losing ourselves. My mindset wasn't right.. we remained friends but were distant.. fast forward some time and we ended up becoming closer again, we kissed and then it went from there. We both felt in a better headspace but again, it became so intense so quickly that we both got overwhelmed again. Looking back both of us still had so much healing to do.

We ended things again.. again, remained friends, awkward times of course regarding feelings etc but we've always had each others best interests at heart.
We both have been on dates with others since this second occasion but nothing come of these dates.

The past few months again, we've been super close. We do so much together and we just thoroughly enjoy each others company. We go out for food, the gym, shopping, work, just laying outside looking at the stars together, walks.. honestly anything in each others company is just great.
We truly are ourselves around one another, we care so much about each other, we laugh so much together, can talk for hours, honestly do anything together. Our communication is brilliant, we understand each other, we find each other attractive (we have been intimate) and everyone we know doesn't understand why we aren't together..

I feel I just need time on my own, to truly heal as the last 2 years I haven't properly just focused on me and my son. My 'friend' understands this and respects this.. and is also on the same pagers however tonight we kissed. So unexpectedly.. It just felt right.. but now we're back in the same situation where it feels so right but also a 3rd time? We both need time to do our own healing and understand this but we are so drawn to one another.. one minute I push him away, and say we are just extremely good friends and next minute I'm thinking I'm mad of course it's more.. it's such a rollercoaster I've never experienced anything like this.

What on earth is going on? I've genuinely never experienced a connection like it. Am I just self sabotaging? Are we just REALLY good friends and we are confusing a very good friendship with something else?

I genuinely trust him so much. He cares about me from the bottom of his heart and vise versa. He's such a good man.. but why has it been such a rollercoaster?

What do you mean by intense?

I don’t understand what it is you need to heal. Have you tried having some therapy? I would say go all in and go for it with him. You are very lucky to have this relationship in your life. Perhaps you’re afraid of boring hurt again or don’t want the commitment? You have to just make a decision and stick to it. Give the relationship a chance.

It just seems it's been on and off too close to my 8 year relationship. Before this relationship ended I was going through postnatal depression and was unwell with my health. I was in a very bad place. I feel I've changed and healed so much over the last year but the thought of commitment does scare me as it's been so on and off since I came out of the relationship. People tell me I should have time to just be single and on my own..

I do feel very lucky to have met him, he is so supportive and understanding he really is. But the fact this is the 3rd time, we don't want it to go wrong again down the line and ruin a good relationship we have

Just get on with it! You sound good together!

Just relax and go with the flow it sounds like you are soulmates and love will always find a way x enjoy it while you've got it coz it doesn't happen to a lot of people think yourself lucky and go for it x

It sounds great 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't really understand this thing about 'healing'. You like each other, you enjoy each other, you fancy each other, you're compatible.

What else is there?

I think you can heal in relationship. Sometimes they can be healing if it's very different to your relationship with your ex. If you feel you're falling into similar patterns then it's not great. Is he a good man?

I would enjoy it as a fun relationship for at least a year but not living together. I don't think it's fair on him to keep pushing him away, and it won't endear you to his friends and family.

Sounds like you two are made for each other.

It's understandable to be cautious, but at this point I'd say it sounds like you're self sabotaging. You're probably scared incase it goes south like your previous relationship did and don't want to feel like that or that you've failed somehow down the line. This relationship sounds passionate and wonderful, to do it justice I think it's an all or nothing kind of deal to be honest. I also wouldn't take for granted what you have, and that it's here, now. If you keep hitting the brakes because you're scared you could just as easily lose it as going too fast. Figure out what you actually want/need to heal, it might be something that you don't t want to deal with that comes up when you get super close (in love)? Xxx

Sounds like meeting him and enjoying his coming is a form of healing. It is making you happy, don't sabotage it.

Just get on with it - commit to him and allow yourself to be happy.

It sounds like you're the one that keeps scuppering it - it's down to you that's it's now the third time! It's been a couple of years since your last relationship ended, just go with the flow and enjoy it. Get some counselling at the same time if you can to help you.

You know what they say anyway, third time lucky!

What is it that you found intense/overwhelming and what's holding you back? Is it the commitment, fear of losing the friendship or yourself within the relationship?

If it helps, I was in a very similar situation once with a close friend, great communication, lots of fun, very intense intimate connection that crossed the line past friendship a few times before quickly retracting back much like you seem to be describing. After years of this again after a third time we finally gave a real relationship a shot. The relationship started out great but quickly went downhill, didn't work out out all, we cut contact entirely and now I'm very happily married to someone else. But I'm glad that regardless of whatever happened with us, at least there were no 'what ifs' lingering. So I say give it a go! He sounds great and worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out at least you'll know you tried and you won't have him as some kind of idealised phantom 'one who got away' that you hold future potentials up against if that makes sense? Good luck with it all!

This!
Its been 2 years and it sounds healthy, go for it!

Honestly I think you're overthinking it and maybe saying you need time to heal because you're worried about getting hurt again?
If you're being drawn to each other this much I think you have to give it a shot!

I can't remember when it was, but there was a lovely three on her a while back, where someone slept with her best friend. She was worried she'd ruined the friendship, but I think they are now married or the wedding is booked.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed. If it works, it works. If not, you gave it a shot hey. Sometimes being with someone else is all the healing you need. You can still have plenty of time together with your child by yourself

One thing I've learned since losing my mum is that being in the moment and enjoying that is SO important. It's scary to commit because you're afraid that it'll all go wrong. Well, on the flip side of the coin it could be wonderful for you both. Relax, enjoy your time together and see where it leads.

You are not friends and can never be, as there is a deep mutual attraction there. You are kidding yourself on that. It's basically time to shit or get off the pot lol. Either you go for a relationship, or decide not to be friends, it has to be one or the other.
You list a lot of things you do together, which can seem intense and overwhelming. Aside from a relationship, you are a mother and have other responsibilities. Put yourself some sensible rules in place based on that, and it should be able to be kept less intense. Such as, only seeing him when child free. Do not involve your DC at all, if you already have, cut that out this time. Resolve to meet no more than twice a week outside of work, you should have room for your DC, and family and friends also. This is balance, this prevents over-intensity. You will then have time to be your individual self, while maintaining a relationship that gradually blossoms on the side.

I was going to say it's time to shit or get off the pot. Sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation. Either commit to trying to have a proper relationship or stay friends. You can't exist in this on again off again yo yo limbo.

I can't figure this one out.

But it appears you feel frightened and that alone rings some warning bells, if it doesn't feel right or safe then maybe you are incompaable on some deep level.

Transferring from friendship to lovers sometimes is not always the best situation. Friendships involve best behaviour and maybe you feel you can't be 'yourself' with this man.

It doesn't sound naturally easy, in fact it sounds like it's making you ill.

I think you just need to get on with it.

I don't understand what you mean by intense?

You haven't got to move in together or get married 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just give it a go - you might not get another chance.

It sounds like you have a potentially great relationship that you are just self sabotaging.

Why do you think you need to be single for a bit? What do you expect to gain from that?

If your connection with this person is as idyllic as you make it sound then why don’t you go for it?

Why are you denying yourself some happiness?