Am I in love with my best friend?

[givemesomewine]

I'll try keep this as short as possible..

Basically, a couple of years ago my 8 year relationship with my child's dad came to an end. I met this guy within a month at work, completely unexpectedly found him intriguing, enjoyed his company and naturally we got to know each other (we work in the same building).. the more we got to know each other, we got extremely close really quick. After a few months of having a very intense connection and it feeling 100 miles an hour we called it off. We were both so overwhelmed and it became unenjoyable.. It was way too soon for me and we were losing ourselves. My mindset wasn't right.. we remained friends but were distant.. fast forward some time and we ended up becoming closer again, we kissed and then it went from there. We both felt in a better headspace but again, it became so intense so quickly that we both got overwhelmed again. Looking back both of us still had so much healing to do.

We ended things again.. again, remained friends, awkward times of course regarding feelings etc but we've always had each others best interests at heart.
We both have been on dates with others since this second occasion but nothing come of these dates.

The past few months again, we've been super close. We do so much together and we just thoroughly enjoy each others company. We go out for food, the gym, shopping, work, just laying outside looking at the stars together, walks.. honestly anything in each others company is just great.
We truly are ourselves around one another, we care so much about each other, we laugh so much together, can talk for hours, honestly do anything together. Our communication is brilliant, we understand each other, we find each other attractive (we have been intimate) and everyone we know doesn't understand why we aren't together..

I feel I just need time on my own, to truly heal as the last 2 years I haven't properly just focused on me and my son. My 'friend' understands this and respects this.. and is also on the same pagers however tonight we kissed. So unexpectedly.. It just felt right.. but now we're back in the same situation where it feels so right but also a 3rd time? We both need time to do our own healing and understand this but we are so drawn to one another.. one minute I push him away, and say we are just extremely good friends and next minute I'm thinking I'm mad of course it's more.. it's such a rollercoaster I've never experienced anything like this.

What on earth is going on? I've genuinely never experienced a connection like it. Am I just self sabotaging? Are we just REALLY good friends and we are confusing a very good friendship with something else?

I genuinely trust him so much. He cares about me from the bottom of his heart and vise versa. He's such a good man.. but why has it been such a rollercoaster?

That's not a friendship, it's a pseudo relationship and it's obvious you have feelings for each other. Ask yourself would this friendship survive him getting a girlfriend. If the answer is no then that's it. These kinds of connections don't come along often - can you find a way to be together but keep it in perspective so you don't get overwhelmed?

Is it the commitment you are afraid of? Being hurt again? The problems in your previous relationship repeating themselves? You can be in a relationship and still have space to yourself and to focus on your son. Maybe don’t get so caught up in defining what you’ve got together. You enjoy spending time together, there’s clearly an emotional and physical connection. Just continue doing what you are doing- you don’t have to call yourselves a couple, or move in together or spend every waking moment together.

How would you feel if he met someone else whilst you are healing? Just go for it , you can heal each other. You might lose him if you wait.

I’m voting self sabotage here.

I had reached rock bottom when I met my, now, DH. I had sworn off dating as I just thought I attracted entirely the wrong men who just couldn’t handle how independent I was and I was somewhat beginning to believe that I was the issue. I changed my profile on online dating to something designed to put all men off just for a laugh and drew a line under it…. Roll in my DH… we didn’t know each other, but had a slew of connections who knew both of us, but, strangely, had never met. Then a mutual connection introduced him. Very weird as our back stories are, in a round about way, quite similar. 12 years later, I can say he’s been the best thing to have ever walked into my life. He’s my best friends and soulmate, he’s managed to allow me to relax my guard and just be me and I am less independent because I know I can 1000% rely on him.

Turns out the problem wasn’t me, I just hadn’t found my person. He has helped heal me and my belief in men and myself 😂 maybe this guy is your person and you need to go with it to find out? If you don’t try you won’t know.

Just because for some, or even many, people there might be a need for time being single and "healing" - if, for example, someone is continually attracted to a toxic trait and prone to repeating past patterns - doesn't mean in this case, for you two, that getting into a relationship would be a mistake. You can set boundaries around it if you don't want to be too entwined too soon. But why not just date and see what happens? Sounds exciting to me - don't throw away an opportunity like this.

You've basically spent the last 8 years in a relationship with this man, just without the sex.

You're so close with him that no other relationship is ever going to work out while you're in each others lives.

So either do it properly or break up with him properly. Stop living in limbo.

I really hope your child is not in the middle of, or even aware of, this back and forth. If even you think you're not prioritising them, you're almost certainly not.

It sounds like you’re either scared of the intensity, maybe because you’ve never had that kind of connection before, or you’re just enjoying the excitement and thrill of the chase so you’re dragging things out 🤷‍♀️

So an 8 year relationship ends and you get a new man in less than a month.
Wow thats a fast recovery.

Is he married ?

There are only so many times you can push him away.

He probably just wants a shag and then he will dump you.

Oh you hopeless romantic ❤️

Married or borderline personality disorder.

Just stop with all the drama, grow up, and get on with it. Sounds like you’re extremely hard work!

If not now, when?

When you know, you know. If you leave it the chances are he’ll meet someone else and you’ll always mourn ‘the one that got away’ and no one will compare. I was married 15 years. Both my ex husband and I found new partners. He’s re married and I’m getting married next year. Life is too short not to move on and be happy.

Bluntly, shit or get off the pot, OP.

I don't know what time it is you want. I divorced my husband of 14 years. The separation and divorce took 8 months and shortly after that I started dating again. Plenty of time to get my shit together!

If the only issue here is that you think there's a rule that says you have to be single for X time post break-up and you haven't achieved that holy number then stop being daft. Why are you getting in your own way? You like each other - date, enjoy, have fun, hope it leads to more down the way.

You like him, he likes you and being apart isn't working out. It sounds like you're ready. Go for it otherwise you may find yourself in counselling in 10 years time over the one that got away.