Not just mother & daughter, “we’re best friends”

[Calmondeck]

Yesterday my mum said to me, “we’re not just mother and daughter, we’re best friends”.

It was in the context of her telling me about her friend whose daughter also lives overseas.

I felt a bit drained when she said it to me. My mum and I were always very close, spent lots of time together, and during uni days we did lots of travel together (at shared expense). My father cheated on my mother during high school but they remain together, unhappily, and I’ve felt since about 14yrs old that my mum is very emotionally dependent on me.

She has really struggled to accept that I live overseas now (8 yrs), am married, and have young children. Almost every conversation we have is her recalling holidays together from the past, and she is very unhappy that I won’t leave my young children (both under 3 yrs old) to spend a few weeks with her travelling. She projects a lot of her feelings about my father onto my husband, with no basis whatsoever, and it causes friction in their relationship because she presents herself as knowing me best, which grates on my husband.

I’m starting to dread calls together and I get fatigued having to rehash once cherished holiday memories like the period of time we’re in now has taken away all her happiness.

grateful for any advice

She misses you. Can't she come and stay with you? Explain. You can't just tale off as you have small children

This.

Can't she come stay with you for a week or two

I agree that "best friends" is often an unhealthy distortion of a parent -child relationship - and it seems to be in your case and your mother has opted out of the maternal role.

Me and DH are still very much parents to our adult children even whilst the lead their independent lives. And my Mum in particular has always been my Mum. It's an asymmetrical relationship isn't it?

She definitely misses you!

Yes, she definitely misses me. My dilemma is, she needs me. And with a toddler with cancer, a baby, and my work, it feels exhausting to have another person needing me. She visits every year, and we spend time in our home country every year, but no amount of time is ever enough. For e.g. if I spend the day with her, but at 5pm say I need to get home to help with dinner/bath/bedtime for the children, she is disappointed. It’s like quantity of time is what she needs. It feels like she spends most of the time with an empty cup and those 2 months of the year I need to use every second to fill her up.

She sounds incredibly draining, and more focused on her own needs than on yours.

It does sound like a difficult situation but I'm not sure what you want from Mumsnet? I honestly don't think mumsnetters can influence this in any way.

I think I would have her stay and explain, mum my kids need me x is ill I'm exhausted I need you to be my mum and support me in caring for them for a few days I can't be girly mates away while they need me so much

@ByUmberViewer I’m just guessing there are lots of mothers and daughters on here that might have been in similar situations and I’d be keen to hear how they went about making the relationship more healthy - is it an honest discussion? Is it settling clearer boundaries? Or do I just need to acknowledge her sadness that I don’t have as much time for her? What can I do that will reasonably satisfy her needs?

I don't think it's as simple as her missing you op, sounds complex and more like emotional parentification to me. I used to get this from dm but she was also very controlling and manipulative, your dm doesn't sound like that.

Totally relate to the conversations being exhausting though, have you tried changing the subject or redirecting the conversation to other happy times that haven't been recounted multiple times? I'd also shut down any criticism of your partner, projecting her own issues on to your relationship is very unhealthy and unfair, a boundary needs to be put in place.

This sounds very draining indeed. Does she have other friends? I would be encouraging her to be joining things or volunteering or changing her work role or whatever it takes to meet people her own age to go away with. Or go on an organised trip.

Forget all the 'setting clearer boundaries' crap. That would be very hurtful for your mother to hear.
I think your last question is the question to put to her, within the context of a compassionate conversation. Start with telling her that you know that your life now does not allow you as much time as before and that this impacts upon your quality time together. Tell her that you miss her too.
She might feel lonely. When a mother has put so much care and love into building a close relationship with her children, she may well have neglected her own self-development and she might not have had time to develop her own friendships.
Do you know what things interest her? Could she join a community where she is likely to meet other women?

Encourage her to new hobbies and friends
Make it clear you won't be upset if she gets a new Best friend!

Have a read of my response and some others who can relate, hopefully op finds them helpful

I'd really struggle to indulge this, though I would try to be kind as she sounds lonely.

When you have kids, what you can expect from a best friend changes - I don't think what your mum is doing sounds at all like "best friends", unless those best friends are 6 year olds, frankly. Most best friendships, especially any with distance, tend to sacrifice quantity for quality. Your mum needs to find ways to assuage her loneliness, which is unhealthy.

Your mum also seems to see herself as in competition with her grandchildren, which is also very odd. Does she enjoy them?

I've had similar all my life. It feels like they make you responsible for their happiness and you feel guilty and suffocated and that you can't give them that enough of yourself as you need to be there for your children. I moved away at 19 and my mum was still telling me regularly in my fourties how sad it made her! I can't give you any advice I'm afraid but now my mum is in her 80's she seems to have mellowed a bit, still quite self absorbed but less reliant on me. I know how you feel but you have to mentally break away from feeling guilty. You can listen to her and acknowledge her feelings but gently explain that you are a mum now and have to be there for your kids. You can't change her but you can change your reaction to her. I would say try and detach a little, she probably thinks she is being nice saying how much she misses you.

Sorry, I meant that best friendships tend to sacrifice quantity for quality once you have careers and kids etc

You clearly really don't get how forums work do you?? People ask a question on let's face it, pretty much anything and other people give advice or offer support, some helpful some not so...

Your DM has made you her whole life which is always a problem, DC grow up and then DM can't cope. It's unfair Op, you're entitled to live your own life and your DM should be doing the same. Yes, she misses you, but that's because she's moping instead of making the effort to fill her life with other things.

She's stuck. If you could help her to move on then you'd be able to help her address the root cause of her unhappiness and clingyness and reframe your relationship.

These are conversations you can have remotely.

She needs to know that you still love her and value spending time with her but the way she is behaving is putting negative pressure on your relationship.

She needs to know she can build a fulfilling life outside your bubble.

She also needs to understand that your life is at a different stage now and that things can't be the way they were but travelling in the future might be a thing and right now she could concentrate on being an amazing grandmother?

You are not responsible for your mother's emotional wellbeing - she is. She has made bad choices in her own life but that does not mean she's entitled to demand more of your time than you feel able to give. And it sounds like you do give her quite a bit of your time.

I honestly don't think there is anything you can do which will make her feel any better about her life, that has to come from her. It sounds as if she would only ever be happy if you were spending every day with her, and you are not going to do that (and nor should you). The only thing you can do is try to avoid feeling any guilt about it.

I'm always slightly wary of friends who describe their DDs as their best friends as it makes me think the DMs are a bit needy and in denial that they're the parent and getting older. My SIL is very much like this and it's sad as her DD obviously resents the pressure from her DM. I know if I said to my DD that she was my BF she'd roll her eyes at me (we are close, but she has girls her own age who are of course her BFs).

Her neediness is an issue when you are dealing with so much in your own family. Does she have any family or friends nearby to her that she socialises with? If not, why not? Encourage her to get out and join in with local volunteering, hobbies or clubs. Then she might have something to talk about and look forward to in the future rather than living in the past. It might also be worth reminding her on your next call that your focus needs to be on your DC and ask whether she can support YOU emotionally a bit more with everything you're going through with a sick child (rather than moaning about your DH and her own needs which you are not in a position to meet any more)?

For those asking if she'd come over to help and support you a bit more, would it be a help if she did this, or would she just wind up your DH and expect waiting on?

All her happiest times have been spent with you and now she is reliant on you for her happiness. This is nor healthy or fair at all. I certainly wouldn't start telling her you miss her just to try to make her feel better, it'll just encourage her to put more pressure on you and won't help her anyway.

You've already said that spending the day till 5pm with her isn't enough, nothing will be enough unless you are there 24/7. She's emotionally dependent and you need to be able to say no and keep boundaries because I don't think there will be a way to satisfy her needs.

She's unhappy and using you as a comfort blanket whilst completely ignoring your emotional needs and wants.

Some mothers/daughters cite they have a best friend relationship which to me as a mother and daughter sounds unhealthy and pretty co dependent. As someone else said up thread making your children your whole life is not a good idea although I know friends similar ages to me who do that too.

My daughters and my mum both have their own friends/hobbies/interests as do I. Your mum seems to be putting a guilt trip on you which I would have no truck with. No doubt she misses you but when you do talk to her maybe encourage her to make friends and develop other interests. I don't think rehashing the past holidays is a good idea. Suggest she maybe travels alone if she does not want to go with your dad. Lots of holidays available for single people. It obviously does not help that her and your father are not happy but honestly to expect your married daughter with young children to go travelling with her is just unrealistic. Did she do that with her mum?

Well, to be fair, you didn't offer the OP any help or advice either 😂