Not just mother & daughter, “we’re best friends”

[Calmondeck]

Yesterday my mum said to me, “we’re not just mother and daughter, we’re best friends”.

It was in the context of her telling me about her friend whose daughter also lives overseas.

I felt a bit drained when she said it to me. My mum and I were always very close, spent lots of time together, and during uni days we did lots of travel together (at shared expense). My father cheated on my mother during high school but they remain together, unhappily, and I’ve felt since about 14yrs old that my mum is very emotionally dependent on me.

She has really struggled to accept that I live overseas now (8 yrs), am married, and have young children. Almost every conversation we have is her recalling holidays together from the past, and she is very unhappy that I won’t leave my young children (both under 3 yrs old) to spend a few weeks with her travelling. She projects a lot of her feelings about my father onto my husband, with no basis whatsoever, and it causes friction in their relationship because she presents herself as knowing me best, which grates on my husband.

I’m starting to dread calls together and I get fatigued having to rehash once cherished holiday memories like the period of time we’re in now has taken away all her happiness.

grateful for any advice

You have a toddler with cancer and she thinks you should leave them for a few weeks and go travelling with her?? I think it’s time to get snappy. ‘We would hardly be best friends if you were in the habit of leaving me for weeks while I was sick when I was Elsie’s age mum, no of course I’m not leaving them. Don’t be ridiculous.’

stop being rude to/about my husband. I disagree with what you said and I need you to look for his good points. He has many.

and for you, you just need to work on caring less, so you can spend the time you have to spare with her without feeling guilty. ‘I have to go, pick up the kids. Please stop with the face, I’d really like to think you want your grandchildren to be collected on time not left to get upset and wonder where their mummy is.’

...and I’ve felt since about 14yrs old that my mum is very emotionally dependent on me.

Have all the posters feeling sorry for her missed this part?

And this
She projects a lot of her feelings about my father onto my husband

She might be lonely but she's coming across as manipulative and selfish. OP has enough on her plate and it's not her job to provide a social life and company for her mum. If she hasn't created that for herself it's her problem.

OP my mum is just like this, she's always leaned on me way too much and no matter how much time I spend with her it's never enough. The only way I deal with it is to put boundaries in place in my head which I then try and get her to accept in real life but it's very very difficult.

My only advice would be try and deal with it now because my mum's behaviour and her undermining relationship with my exH directly contributed to our break-up, dont let that happen to you.

Everyone seems to have missed that you currently have a TODDLER WITH CANCER. I have been is this situation as my second child had cancer from 8 months-3 years and it was hell. The idea that you should be worrying about your mother and that she seems to think you should take time away from your children for weeks boggles my mind. Who is looking after YOU @Calmondeck ?? I remember when my dd was having chemo a very overbearing friend wouldn't leave me alone and she was causing me so much stress - she had no consideration of my own needs. Prioritize what you need right now, not your mother.

If she doesn't want to come and help you - putting you first and not criticizing or arguing with your dh while giving you a chance to breath, than don't have her around you rn as it sounds like you will explode with stress. You can't keep meeting all these needs of others while working too without stress relief. Are you getting any form of stress relief @Calmondeck ?

Can you ask her for help? Maybe she could come and stay and help with the children for a while. ?

The "best friends" scenario between parents and their adult children is just weird and, as mentioned above, unhealthy. Parents aren't supposed to be our friends - it's a different kind of relationship. The parent in the OP is using her daughter as a substitute for going out and living her own life - sounds like the daughter needs to put in some clear boundaries.

Oh you poor thing. Life isn't always easy, and my guess is that your mum is trying to re-live happy times in her life. It doesn't sound as if she has much going on and is focussing her energy on you. Does she have any interests that she can indulge in, and make friends close to where she is? That may be a start, if you're able to encourage her?
My feeling is that you need to be open with her about how you're feeling pulled in different directions and that this it's hard for you to spend a lot of time with her when you have such a young family. It's not going to be easy, but you need to do it for your own sake.
Good luck x

Could you channel her need for you into support for you? Could she come and stay on the basis that she was to help you? She obviously has a need to a closeness and role in your life. It might be possible to offer her one that worked for you too. Seems to me that your dynamic has been reversed, with you being her support system. Can't she come and be your mum?

Sorry what? You have a toddler with cancer and she not only wants your time but wants you to go travelling with her? If anything she should be giving you HER time and coming to help you. Or respect that you need space.

How supportive is she with your children/the illness? Even if only from a listening point of view?

Advice?

That's how it usually works

As someone who has recently lost their Father, this is awful to read.

Your mother won't always be alive and you will think back to this thread. The poo women is deeply unhappy and she wants to be close to her daughter who lives abroad. What is the harm in that!

I honestly am baffled that you've started this thread.

That's totally out of line. Nobody needs to put up with situations they're not happy with. We're all going to die, the point is to be happy living. I'm sorry for your loss but just because someone is going to die doesn't mean we have to accept unacceptable behaviour from them 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Ignore this OP, your concerns are more than understandable and yes, like others have said, put boundaries in.
No is a full sentence.
I don't want to talk about past holidays Mam, let's just leave them for once.
I would be getting firmer than that if it wasn't working much like you would do with a toddler!
Also, I hope your toddler makes a full recovery.

I’m very sorry about your father but you’re projecting your feelings onto the OP very unfairly.

Did you miss the bit where OP has 2 young children - including a toddler with cancer - and yet her mother is unhappy she won’t go away with her for a few weeks travelling? Did you miss the bit about how her mother treats OP’s DH? Did you miss the bit where OP is understandably struggling with the pressure her mother is putting on her with her expectations?

OP isn’t you and her situation isn’t yours and it’s not on to come on here and guilt trip her like that, OP and her feelings matter too.

It all sounds very unhealthy, I wouldn't be happy with level of dependency, and I don't have all the other responsibilities you have.

I assume she's not up for joining some local group/activity like U3A or something?

I think the time is near when you have to tell her you are her daughter, not her best friend. You can't give her what she needs, she will have to find it elsewhere. I am sure she will be very unhappy when you state your boundaries , but hopefully you will feel done relief.

I'm a lone parent to an 8 year old DD and I would hate for her to ever feel the way you do -OP - you are not responsible for your mothers happiness- she is an adult who has made her own choices.
Of course you can't leave your job and baby and toddler with cancer to go travelling with her, and she's unfair to make you doubt yourself.

It is fine to be friendly with your children- but she's not your best friend, she is your mother
And right now she's not even being a good friend to you - a friend would not put this pressure on you

If she misses you can she come and stay as granny and help your children?
If she wants to travel there are lots of group tours she could do - look at saga
If she wants your company she can visit
Projecting her issues with your father onto your husband is not ok either
You must prioritise your children here - your mother needs to invest in her own friendships and not depend on you -

I'm gobsmacked at this nasty comment. How dare you.

The op has a child with cancer and is being guilted by her mother.

I lost both my parents before they were 70, my dad in his 50's and my mum in an accident and I never look back and regret the time I didn't spend with them.
We are all going to die. What an irrelevant comment, it smacks of guilt tripping and manipulation, somewhat like the OP's DM.
'Best friends' makes me shudder. Unhealthy. Big red flag.

Is it more that your mum doesn't also help and support you? So it's only you supporting her?

Me and my mum are "best friends". My mum doesn't have a great relationship with my dad, he's very controlling, and she is very needy with me - she got extreme depression when I left home.

But in all honesty she IS my best friend. I still call her everyday. She supports me too. We laugh, we giggle. She's very needy, and it's become harder since I've had children and have less time for her, but it's give and take so I don't mind.

Does your DM give you anything back?

What boundaries do you have with your mother MsCactus?. What happens if you were to say no to her?.

OP

Sadly I do not think you will ever have an emotionally healthy relationship with your mother. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. You are not responsible for her feelings and you can never heal the mother wound. Parentification is real and damaging and it’s certainly harmed you.

I think this post absolutely nails it. Being parentified in the way you have been is so damaging OP- if you can afford it I would get some expert therapy on this to help you let go of the guilt around setting boundaries.

In a similar situation I had to be very honest and direct. I explained that I could not be the only person to be relied on, that everyone needs a network of friends and there would be things, like going on holiday, that I could not give time for. I suggested ways to meet more people, go on holiday by yourself, keep in touch easily, but was really honest about explaining that i was already busy enough and could not take all the responsibility for supporting that person myself.

OP so sorry for you. Your mother's behaviour is very dysfunctional. She would put her own needs above the needs of a TODDLER with cancer. Utterly shocking. You & your family don't actually matter to her.

As a gentle start into what I suspect will be a long, painful learning journey for you, I'd suggest you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

No, that is not fair. OP cannot be expected to extend herself any further because her mother is not developing her other relationships. Spending time if you can is fine. Being the sole supporter of someones emotional and mental health is not. Being guilt tripped into doing it is totally out of line. I think an apology is owed.