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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OK, how do I get him to marry me?

46 replies

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 20:34

I really want to marry my boyfriend.

He says he's "not averse" to the idea, but I'm sure he'd like to be the one doing the asking.

However, he's skint, about £800 overdrawn, and will never afford a flippin' ring at this rate.

I just want him to go "yes yes yes" so I can tell people we're getting married!

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 03/04/2008 20:35

tell him you don't expect a ring, just a proposal?

moondog · 03/04/2008 20:35

You don't need money to get married (or a ring for that matter.) My wedding cost £65 and I have never had a ring.

Do you want him for him or just to be able to tell people you are getting married?

MamaG · 03/04/2008 20:36

wise words moondog.

EffiePerine · 03/04/2008 20:36

You can't make him do anything (sorry). Marriage is a bit more than a ring and telling people you're getting married - it's (hopefully) a lifetime commitment, so you both need to be sure you want it. Try backing off a little and he may come round to the idea himself

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 20:38

I want him because he's the most wonderful man I've ever met, we're incredibly comfortable together, it feels completely right....

He amazes me with how lovely to me he is, but without me feeling self conscious and inadequate, he just makes me feel so loved and safe.

He's gorgeous, affectionate, we have loads in common and we love waking up together every day.

Long may it continue, I just want to be his Missus!

OP posts:

MamaG · 03/04/2008 20:39

Then nip to the registry office and do it. No party, just have a night out with mates

mazzystar · 03/04/2008 20:40

Lol at "not averse"

I think that's a yes, really.

EiWishFor3MoreWishes · 03/04/2008 20:51

hi i think you should wait til he decides to ask or drop huge hints about your finger being lonely/wouldnt a diamond look gorgeous there etc unless you are expecting the real deal you dont have to spend thousands of pounds on an engagement ring you can get a really convincing cubic zirconia one for £40 so you wont break the bank i got a teeny tiny diamond one for less than £200 so also quite cheap me and my DH got married on a low budget last august and it just goes to show it can be done without spending a fortune we kept all the costs down to less than £5000 including the honeymoon and spends etc and we had a few luxuries that would have saved us even more had we not chosen to have them
i dropped loads of himts to my DH and he eventually picked up on them although he asked me in the most unromantic way ever!! after a good session in bed i sed yes tho obv. and he bought me a ring a few weeks later when he got paid
xx ei xx

moondog · 03/04/2008 20:57

I don't get this dropping hints stuff.
Surely if you both want to it is a sort of mutual thing.If you have to 'drop hints' about such a momnetous decision,surely he isn't feeling same way?

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 20:58

I don't mind CZ. I can tell everyone it's diamond and they'll only twig if they spot it in the Argos catalogue.

I think I should get him drunk, and drag him to Vegas.

OP posts:

EiWishFor3MoreWishes · 03/04/2008 21:01

some men just need the hints IMO my DH is notorious for not thinking about important things unless you give him a shove and he needed the hint he was more excited about our engagement than i was and the same about the wedding and having babies etc some just need to be pointed in the right direction
xx ei xx

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 21:02

Oh, I think we both want to be married eventually, he's just a bit dense when it comes to change. He doesn't do effort. Has worked in a shop for ten years, even though he wants to "do something else" simply because he's so laid back he's horizontal.

I've tried pointing out that if he wants a family we're going to have to do something about it SOMETIME, and at 35 he's not getting any younger........

OP posts:

moondog · 03/04/2008 21:05

How old are you?

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 21:06

28 in 3 weeks.

I work with kids, I'm allowed to count the days!

OP posts:

Earlybird · 03/04/2008 21:10

A note of realism amidst all the romance: is the fact that he's so skint/overdrawn temporary? What, if anything, is he doing to remedy the situation?

If he's skint and 'so laid back he's horizontal' can see that money could easily become an issue - especially if you're wanting to start a family.

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 03/04/2008 21:11

I think it sounds like a classic case of you both live together happily, think the world of each other - so maybe he thinks 'if it aint broke, why fix it?!' Maybe he is scared things would somehow change between you, have a serious heart to heart over a meal.

I met dh when I was 17, we moved in together at 19 but didn't marry until we were 25. Mainly because we didn't think about it! One day whilst on holiday together we talked about it and we decided we would get married - no fancy proposal and no engagement ring - just saying yes let's do it because it felt right.
We married in a registry office with family and few friends there, we had a reception in a local pub with a marquee outside. The whole wedding and reception cost around £1500, including food, my dress, suit - everything!
We have now been married almost 6 years.

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 21:49

Well, I earn enough. My parents had financial problems so I know there are ways round it - even without the strange benefit situation people take advantage of these days.

I've been skint, I'm sure the money thing can be worked out. It's not like he's unreliable - he's held down a job for ten years, that has to say something!

OP posts:

Divastrop · 03/04/2008 22:06

yes,everyone takes advantage of the benefit system.

if you want to marry him,then why dont you just propose?buy him a ring?

LaComtesse · 03/04/2008 22:10

Weddings don't have to be expensive - my x-bf spent 1000 euros on my engagement ring which was really wasted since we won't be getting married now. A curtain ring would have done just as well .

Propose and suggest a small quiet do with a small lunch afterwards. If it's important to you then I'm sure he knows that.

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 03/04/2008 23:53

Divastrop = coming home last night and saying, "Hey.............. marry me?" didn't work.

See, I have savings, I would hire Marble Hill just for a laugh.

He says "yes" with a "but......... not yet"

I know it's not because there's anything wrong. He's just adjusting.

OP posts:

talkingmongoose · 03/04/2008 23:57

My engagement ring is silver, set with amethyst and marcasites. It cost £23, and it's lovely.

Original poster

NiftyNanny · 04/04/2008 00:10

I love marcasite! very "me"

;)

OP posts:

madamez · 04/04/2008 00:20

If you want to marry him, propose to him. But think, before you do so, whether you want a marriage or a wedding. And when/if you do propose listen to his answer. Some people don't want to marry because they object to various aspects of the institution of marriage, and there;s nothing wrong with that. SOme people don't want to marry their present partners because they are just not that into their present partners. If you have or are expecting any DC together it's reasonable to want to make sure of your legal status with regard to housing, parental rights etc, which marriage is unfortunately the easiest and surest way of sorting out (but it's not compulsory, there are other ways of protecting yourself legally). But if he says he loves you but doesn;t want to marry you, then you are going to have to deal with that. Whining, nagging, coaxing and hinting won't work, and if you somehow manage to pile enough pressure on him to make him agree to marriage, he will either throw this fact at you every time you argue, or he will just fuck off at some point.

branflake81 · 04/04/2008 14:06

erm...surely he has to want to get married too (and I mean actually WANT to not just go along with it for your sake). Marriage is a HUGE commitment, imho and should not be entered into lightly. So many people rush things which, in this day and age, don't need to be rushed. If you already live together, marriage won't change a thing on a day to day level. As far as I'm concerned, marriage is being able to say 100% definite that you want to be with them forever and until both of you feels ready to say that there is no point doing it.

Elasticwoman · 04/04/2008 15:51

I knew some one about your age who was let down by the man she'd lived with for 11 years. So when she met some one else she wanted to marry (a few months later) she said to him "look - cards on the table: I want to have kids and the body clock is ticking. Are you serious about this relationship and do you want kids too or are you wasting my time?"

The next day he proposed marriage. They married soon after and had 2 dc soon after that.

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