OK, how do I get him to marry me?

[NiftyNanny]

I really want to marry my boyfriend.

He says he's "not averse" to the idea, but I'm sure he'd like to be the one doing the asking.

However, he's skint, about £800 overdrawn, and will never afford a flippin' ring at this rate.

I just want him to go "yes yes yes" so I can tell people we're getting married!

"we love waking up together every day."

There's your reason why he's not in any rush. Name one single thing he'd get if he married you that he doesn't already get now?

Doh.

I know, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

Yes, Beautiful, I think that's a factor. I also think it being his first long term relationship means he's doing a lot of adjusting.

"I do think we'll get married eventually"
"I do want us to be together forever and have children"

He says all this but is the kind of guy that doesn't look for a new flat til 2 days before he's due to leave the last one.

I wish I could bump him along without seeming like the whinging, cajoling shrew!! To be fair I don't wheedle. I have asked him, though, and he just smiles and refuses to give an answer at all.

I know he wants to be the one to do the proposal, too, so I'm wondering if I'll get one on our birthday in a couple of weeks time (we are a couple of days apart).

I waited 3 years, and 2 kids for him to propose. Every christmas and birthday ended with me hiding dissapointment. Just dont get your hopes up!! Pretty awful, but we compromised. He said "I want a new motor bike". I said "You can have one if I get a wedding". And who said romance was dead? Wedding only cost 2 grand. That was a year ago. He's still waiting for the motorbike ha ha!

"Not averse" is pretty tepid if you ask me. At present he has no reason to propose.

Exactly nkf. Give him reason to propose. Let him see what he will get out of it!!! Apart from life long lovin' from you of course! My DH was happy to get married but didnt really want to have to do any of the organising. I love organising so didnt bother me. I just needed him to turn up on the day! Find out if he's worried about the wedding part or the marriage part. He's just a bloke, use your femine charms and you'll get what you want in the end

On the other hand you could leave him and see if he comes running.

If he doesn't, at least you've cut your losses and can be available for some one else who isn't scared of commitment.

Proposal Plan

Here's a plan of action that should take about 2 months to complete, start to finish. Ready? Let's go.

Back RIGHT off. Start going out 3 nights a week. Don't make out you're meeting other men or anything, just see your friends a LOT. When he starts getting a bit pouty and "I miss you"-ish, just smile and ignore. Ramp up your interest in your own life again. Apply for a new job. Take an evening class. Sign up for a marathon. Etc etc etc. Bring lots of new things and new people into your world.

Stop bringing up the future; every time you mention marriage you push the proposal back by 6 months (by making him too reassured and comfy) so cut it out.

After he notices (and starts to feel a tiny bit threatened by) your new life, he will start saying wishy-washy future stuff, like "Well maybe we SHOULD get married one day." Don't leap all over him at this point: it's not a proposal until he asks properly & has a date in mind. This wishy-washy talk is him trying to find out if he still has you in his back pocket. Just smile and ignore it.

Go away for a long weekend with some girl friends. Don't be on the phone to him every day, he can call you.

Finally, start looking at new flats. He will shit himself at that point and drop to one knee.

Say Yes. The End.

If everything's working well, why do you want to get married? I wish somebody could explain this getting married thing - I think there must be a "wedding" bit missing in my brain!

How long have you been together, NN? (I did read whole thread, sorry if you already said and I missed it).

I agree with some of what beautiful said, I think you need to back right off and not mention marriage again. He has no reason to propose because he already knows you will say yes and you both already have a great secure relationship together.

I feel the same way as you seeker. Marriage part missing from my brain.

Totally agree with BEAUTIFUL, great post.

Also he knows he has time about the children thing. You are 28 so its not as if you have to start a family straight away.

Been talking to him while staggering home drunk - a good time to get honesty, methinks.

"I've come very very close to proposing to you, but I want it to be my initiative..."

hehehe, patience, Nifty! I think I just got all excited about the prospect once we started talking about it, whereas he is keen to think that we will get married one day in the next few years, Miss Impatient here has gone into "Yes, but WHEN??" mode.

We've been together 2 and a half years now. Living together for one. It feels very different to past relationships for me, even cohabiting ones. I "just know" that whatever we had to deal with, we'd be able to to work it out. I think we're a great team... and I love him to bits, and want him to be my companion while we grow older and older and older.... I want to do the "next step" part of life all officially partnered up and signed over to HIM. I know we could do it without the bit of paper, but something in me just wants it to be official.

So, from now on I will shut my mouth and try not to tease him about it. Perhaps me leaving for three weeks in Summer will make him miss me so much he does it when I come back.

But, as you say - I won't hold my breath!

NiftyNanny, if I were you, I think I would leave it up to him from now on. You've made clear what you want and he has acknowledged your wish.

As other MNs have said before, marriage is a mutual decision, not one where the one person 'sells' it to the other. If his heart isn't in it, then you may well end up heartbroken like one MN with a small premmie baby whose partner decided he never really wanted the marriage, the house, the kid. How sad would that be? Imagine that woman's heartache and pain. I felt so sorry for her but I'm not implying she 'sold' him that marriage. I'm just saying, that when a man wants to do something he really will do it wholeheartedly. If he just tags along, then you'd be better off finding one that loves you so truly madly deeply he wants you to be his in marriage.

You cannot force commitment.

Marriage not where one partner "sells it to the other"???

It was for me.

To be honest, NN, it sounds like he doesn';t particularly want to marry you. Can you live with that? (again, not knowing your situation, if you have DC or you are expecting one, then it's not at all unreasonable to want to make sure all the legal bits, housing etc are clear). But FFS don't let yourself spend any length of time in the sort of situation where a Proposal is something he can wave at you like a sweetie to make you do what he wants (ie he can hint that he might be about to propose, then not do so, then every time you disagree with him about anything he can say, oh, I was going to propose but you spoiled it, etc, etc).

Nah, I'm the one in the driving seat and that's half the problem! I spent 7 years in a very male dominated industry, holding my own.

I make decisions and just "do" things, which I know is a bit mad. He says he admires that....... it's certaintly a different approach to his! We balance each other.

He's such an odd one. I know we'll get there. When he sais he wanted to marry me, and had come close to asking me, I know he meant that he had to be the one to ask because he's been brought up in a family where is Dad was alpha male, but he's so... not.......

but that's probably half what I like about him. I get to be alpha male ;)

Oh by the way, it's our birthday at the end of the month. If it goes another year I'll cut my losses.

But I doubt it will.

Sorry if that sounds pushy but he's my bitch. Bwhahaha.

By the way madamez, read some of your other threads and they interest me, I almost think he's submissive.

He's certainly been into it when I go dom-lite.

NN. Well, right now he doesn't want to marry you. Or he would have proposed and be making wedding plans. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, or that he's up to no good, or he's immature, commitment-phobic (or, as some of us call it, 'sensible') or a Bad Person. You've told him what you want, and he hasn't immediately given it to you, so your options are either to enjoy what you have at present, or to go and find someone who is gagging to get married.

Ah, but I know he has doubts which are completely founded. It's probably my fault.

We'll get there, but this has certainly been an interesting thread. I don't think he's ready, but eventually we are both wanting to get married - not this month, not May, I don't know when.

i think half of it is that i'm still at the

".................where do we go from here?" stage and I'm going to go one way or the other. I'm either going to be wifey or sex and the city.

Just don't end up in 'Desperate Housewives'

PS: Wishing you all the luck in the world with your man. If you keep quiet maybe he'll get time to think it through and make the right decision for himself. I hope it's what you wish for, too.