Is it possible to rebuild sexual intimacy?

[LibraryDog]

DH and I have been together 19 years, married for 15. We are early forties and have two DC. DC2 has quite significant SEND and is awaiting an assessment for an autism diagnosis (although we are already pretty sure).

For the last few years, our sex-life has been minimal. Partly because of DC2’s needs, I continued to breastfeed him longer than DC1 and because looking after him has been so stressful at times I have leant on food and alcohol as crutches and gained a lot of weight. My libido disappeared. DH has always been the one to initiate sex or intimacy and I have to admit that I would regularly reject him. He never hassled me and always respected my boundaries.

This year we have both made changes to improve our health. I weaned DC2 and we are both losing weight, me with Mounjaro jabs which have also completely removed any desire to drink alcohol. I finally felt like I was starting to get some control, firstly over food and drink, and I thought / hoped that the next thing to address would be the lack of intimacy in our marriage. In the meantime, however, DH became distant. It is like something has snapped in him and he no longer has any interest in rebuilding our sex life. He says that he feels he deserves sexual fulfilment (which of course I agree with) but that after three years of rejection from me he no longer feels he can find it with me. He tells there isn’t anyone else and I believe him.

I’m absolutely devastated. It’s like a physical pain. He has agreed that he will speak to a marriage counsellor but it seems he feels he needs to do this out of a sense of duty rather than any genuine desire to rebuild. He was made redundant last year and although he is now employed again in a job he loves I don’t think he has fully processed that experience and I can’t help wondering if it is relevant to how he feels about our marriage.

Is there any way back from this? Could a good enough therapist help us to rebuild, and if so where would we find them?

Bumping for you OP 💐
It didn't work out in my experience. 3 years is a long time but not as long as I'd expected after reading your post. Hopefully this will go in your favour.
I have private therapy with Relate- it doesn't always gets a good press on here but the most important thing with therapy is clicking with your therapist - try the BACP website for qualified therapists in your area and read through their "profiles"- one might stand out.
I know you said you don't think there's anyone else.. but don't rule it out completely.

Had a similar thing in our marriage, although we didn't go without for 3 years. DH rejected me a lot, and I stopped initiating. He has fear around ED, but actually went on to medication which totally fixed the issue, so then he wanted to have regular sex again. It was very hard for me to initiate though, after years of rejection. However, if he got sexual with me, I found myself responding. We are now having regular sex again. I still find it hard to initiate, but always respond positively when he does. So I'm wondering whether you could try less talk and more action? See what happens? Why don't you just get into bed wearing sexy lingerie, start to kiss him, and see if he responds. You have nothing to lose.

Thank you both so much.

It hasn’t been three years of no sex at all, but it has been patchy and intermittent.

There's a lot of you in your OP @LibraryDog , and not an awful lot of thought about your DP. Your emotions, your timescales etc.

You're "absolutely devastated. In physical pain". OK, now how do you think he's felt every time you've rejected him over a period of years. I'd imagine that he's felt much the same as you do now. He's not distant because of a redundancy, he's distant because you've spent the last 3 years signalling that you want him to be.

And now you want sex again, so he's expected to instantly be up for it again. Well he's not. He's spent years playing the role of Charlie Brown, and every time he's tried to kick the football Lucy's pulled it away from him. At a certain point, you stop trying to kick the football.

You're telling him you want sex, but he doesn't believe you. He thinks that you're going to whip the football away. Oh, you may let him get one shot, just to lull him into a false sense of security, but at some point its getting whipped away again for good.

So if you want to fix this, you need to prove to him that this is for real. And that means going big, but also starting really small.

Going big - You need big open conversations, you need to talk about how you're feeling, your reasons for not wanting sex. But you also need to talk about his feelings, and your responsibility for some of them. You need to show you understand what he's been going through. And then you also need to talk about -

Starting Small - I'm guessing it's not just sex that's gone by the wayside. It's probably the little moments of affection, anything that might lead one party or the other to think sex is on the cards. You want him to start seeing you as a romantic partner again, and not just a roommate who helps with the kids? You need to start doing the sort of things a romantic partner does again. Date nights, little affectionate touches as you squeeze past each other in the hall, long talks about nothing in particular. You want him to see you as someone sexual again, you need to start flirting again. It's like early dating, but you're trying to date a man who is 100% sure in his mind that you're not interested in him.

Good luck!

That was hard to read @Bobbotgegrinch but there is a lot of truth in what you say. Thank you for your honesty.

I think what sets off alarm bells for me is that he doesn’t seem willing to work on the sexual side of the relationship. The language he’s using like “roommates” reeks of what cheating men usually tell the OW, as a pass card for their actions.

Be careful OP… how can he justify continuing in a marriage without sex or willingness to work on intimacy when this was what caused the issue in the first place?

I know you’ve had a hard time with challenging circumstances with DC2 .. it takes a lot out of the mum tbh, emotionally and physically so intimacy does unfortunately suffer but people can come on from it if they work on it … not guaranteed to get spark back but without willingness to try ? I don’t know where you can go from that .. sending you support x

He's spent the last couple of years resigned to a marriage without sex. Quite a lot of people stay in relationships without sex because they love the other person. The really hard part is dealing with the constant rejection. So they stop putting themselves out there to be rejected. OP's husband still believes he's going to be rejected.

@LibraryDog What I forgot to mention is that me and DP have been through a similar situation, and we did come out the other side of it. It was hard work, but we did get there. And I wasn't trying to say this situation was all your fault, you've had legitimate reasons for not wanting sex. But that doesn't mean that your husband won't feel rejected by you. The Good Luck at the end of my last post was genuine, I really do hope the pair of you manage to work it out.

@Bobbotgegrinch yes I read that and she confirmed they did have sex but not often plus she was rejecting her DH… if she’s taking responsibility now and wanting to fix things I would have imagined he would want to try at least? If he is with Op, wants to be with her and loves her then why not try ? That’s my only observation here.

In my case, it was because I didn't believe it would last. I could live with the situation as it was, I was resigned to being in an almost sexless relationship.

What I couldn't cope with was getting my hopes up and then having them dashed again. It was a good couple of months before I trusted DP really meant it, and that this was a long term change, probably 6 before I started feeling comfortable initiating again. Hell, 10 years later I still start getting nervous when I've been turned down a few times on the trot.

Thank you both for your thoughts, @AnonAnonmystery and @Bobbotgegrinch. DH told me last night that he didn't feel he could trust that any changes I made would stick so @Bobbotgegrinch's points are resonating with me. I'm really pleased to hear that you made it out of the other side.

I have made enquiries with some counsellors and I've also ordered some books. I've seen Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel recommended on here in old threads and I have also downloaded the audiobook of Secrets of a Passionate Marriage. I'm determined not to give up.

Oh op be careful that he isn't just enabling any cheating wirh his poor me moans. Anyone having had a dry spell for a couple of years would usually jump at the chance to have intimacy reintroduced. Don't try too hard to persuade him and tbh I'd forget counselling.

You just need to reignite things (if there isn't an ow or a porn habit, sorry). Flirt, send sexy messages, sexy gifs . Talk about fantasies, he might have a raging bdsm kink that he feels he can't share. So tell him yours.

Offer him an open relationship. If he thinks you fancy getting sex elsewhere he might soon get interested and buck up. Good luck.

And well done on addressing your weight and alcohol issues. Hope you get the support you need with your dc .

'He's spent the last couple of years resigned to a marriage without sex'

They've had sex just intermittently which will no doubt be very common for the parents of dc with SEND.

Once things settle a bit and libidos return etc you don't sulk and say 'ha no I'm gonna to reject you now see how you like it!'. You talk and come up ideas on how to improve things,

I know that the thing that is most important to a man and woman is feeling valued! That they are important to you. Perhaps start with that ?

It's hard. We went to a sex therapist, which helped address our communication issues first and foremost. Our sex life improved for a bit but then soon went back to little or nothing. It's my DH who isn't interested, I think he has some deep seated revulsion to bodily fluids, a fear of rejection, and some undiagnosed ADHD. I've had a full and active sex life before I met him in my mid thirties, and it's dwindled to nothing over the years. I love him, and we've tried to sort it out, but I've accepted he's just not that into it. Now I just save myself for a bit of self love and the occasional sexy dream! I've never taken it particularly personally, and it doesn't affect my self esteem, but I do miss a jolly good shag from time to time.

No once it's gone it's gone.

@LibraryDog it’s good he’s told you it’s that he doesn’t trust you to have regular sex, now you know that you need to build trust before intimacy.

You have an exhaustive list there and it shows you are committed. However, pace yourself, this is a marathon not a sprint. Work on little things daily to build that intimacy up.

Maybe schedule in sex once a week so your DH knows on that day he’s not going to be turned down ( unless there’s a good reason?). It will hopefully be something you both look forward to. Space of once a fortnight not regular enough if you really want to build on the momentum. You might even feel like after weekly sex that you want more.., who knows?
I really hope it works out, even if you experience set backs, get back on track!

No advice personally, but would really recommend a podcast called 'sextok with Tracey and kelsey'. They answer three sex related questions in every episode and intimacy is a very common theme, so something might resonate with you.

Just in case, bear in mind that a new job entails meeting new people, which means access to new women unfortunately. Just a possibility, if you wondered why he has chsen now giving up on it, when it was at least occasional prior. Is it just the job he loves, or someone he works with too?
Do the counselling, whatever reason he has for doing it doesn't matter, getting him there will hopefully get to the bottom of it.

If you feel rejected and undesired by someone then your desire for them wanes, and once gone is impossible to rekindle.

He says that he feels he deserves sexual fulfilment (which of course I agree with) but that after three years of rejection from me he no longer feels he can find it with me

I think the fact that you're not respecting what he's actually telling you in words is quite telling here. He's probably got some pretty healthy internal boundaries that put him off having sex with people who make efforts to over-ride his feelings.

Have you tried expressing to him that you accept his position? Or are you 'determined not to give up' invalidating his clearly, calmly, and politely stated position?

According to what decree? Lots of relationships go through this process and recover; why do you speak as if it's a fact that that 'can't' happen, when it can and does?

I think he probably either is already seeing someone else or has someone in mind.

I think otherwise he'd be more engaged.

I agree with this. It sounds like he's punishing you OP- rejecting you back, which is quite emotionally immature. I'm stunned at some of these responses which have been quite blaming of you. It sounds like you've had an incredibly stressful time- parenting tiny kids is hard enough- add SEN and it's a whole other ballgame. Breastfeeding will kill libido too. Were you supposed to force yourself to have unwanted sex for those 3 years? I think its to your great credit that you haven't been complacent, as soon as things got a bit easier and you got out of survival mode you turned to self improvement and improving the intimacy in your marriage. I hope your husband starts to appreciate it soon!

'He's probably got some pretty healthy internal boundaries that put him off having sex with people who make efforts to over-ride his feelings.'

Think you're overthinking it. He's either sadly got an ow or just doesn't find the op attractive anymore. I doubt internal boundaries come into it. He's more likely a classic gaslighter.