Is it possible to rebuild sexual intimacy?

[LibraryDog]

DH and I have been together 19 years, married for 15. We are early forties and have two DC. DC2 has quite significant SEND and is awaiting an assessment for an autism diagnosis (although we are already pretty sure).

For the last few years, our sex-life has been minimal. Partly because of DC2’s needs, I continued to breastfeed him longer than DC1 and because looking after him has been so stressful at times I have leant on food and alcohol as crutches and gained a lot of weight. My libido disappeared. DH has always been the one to initiate sex or intimacy and I have to admit that I would regularly reject him. He never hassled me and always respected my boundaries.

This year we have both made changes to improve our health. I weaned DC2 and we are both losing weight, me with Mounjaro jabs which have also completely removed any desire to drink alcohol. I finally felt like I was starting to get some control, firstly over food and drink, and I thought / hoped that the next thing to address would be the lack of intimacy in our marriage. In the meantime, however, DH became distant. It is like something has snapped in him and he no longer has any interest in rebuilding our sex life. He says that he feels he deserves sexual fulfilment (which of course I agree with) but that after three years of rejection from me he no longer feels he can find it with me. He tells there isn’t anyone else and I believe him.

I’m absolutely devastated. It’s like a physical pain. He has agreed that he will speak to a marriage counsellor but it seems he feels he needs to do this out of a sense of duty rather than any genuine desire to rebuild. He was made redundant last year and although he is now employed again in a job he loves I don’t think he has fully processed that experience and I can’t help wondering if it is relevant to how he feels about our marriage.

Is there any way back from this? Could a good enough therapist help us to rebuild, and if so where would we find them?

Were you supposed to force yourself to have unwanted sex for those 3 years

Accepting the other person's position isn't the same as giving up your own, or someone being 'right' and the other person being 'wrong'. It's a necessary part of a healthy relationship that sometimes one person will want something when the other person doesn't, and that the couple can find their way through this by validating each other's positions.

He's blaming the op that is indeed gaslighting. How dare she be waylaid with small dc, one with SEND. Don't say comments are 'stupid' it's very rude.

@Janiie

Don't say comments are 'stupid' it's very rude

It doesn't matter how you judge my comments, nobody cares about your opinion of me, or my opinion of you.

Him saying that he's felt rejected and has no longer has desire isn't gaslighting or blame. OP isn't denying rejecting him, and has her own perfectly respectable and reasonable for doing so. He has the right to his own feelings, in response, and those are respectful and reasonable too.

If I want to say that comments calling this 'gaslighting' are stupid, it's not up to you to police me. Your attempt says a lot about you and very little about me.

Op I would prepare myself in all ways to find out he has had an alternative for the last few years, his total lack of engagement is a dealbreaker and concerning. What man would turn down intimacy? Red flags to me.

*what man would turn down intimacy'?

One with a bit of depth who can think and feel beyond his penis?

I would have to talk it out, and I wouldn’t be bending over backwards to win him back, because you are going to come across as desperate and it could be very humiliating for you.

Go out for dinner and talk about what you love about each other, your shared history and everything you share - kids, home and acknowledge the difficulties yes, and start to enjoy each others company again. Be playful and have fun. See how that goes.

Ha! Not my experience, at all.

No longer has desire my arse. He's getting his fun elsewhere be it porn, whatever. Prob feels a bit embarrassed at his 'lack of desire' so is indeed gaslighting and saying it's her fault for rejecting him. Bollocks.

They did have sex just intermittently which surely is the norm with very young dc one with SEND?

He needs to be truthful with her rather than his therapy out of a sense of duty nonsense.

@Polishedshoesalways

That's unfortunate for you. Your experience isn't universal, though, so not a great basis for universal advice.

🤣🤣

@Janiie

Wow, you really do know best!

Very true. Thanks.

@LibraryDog

Sorry for the derail!

I have never been turned down ever, so either I am a sex siren ( which isn’t true) or men are biologically programmed to enjoy sex. Of course we have to suspect after 3 years that he has an alternative, why else wouldn’t he be overjoyed to have his gorgeous wife back? He will know assuming he isn’t a complete numpty that the pressure of children with sen is tough.

I would be having a very straight conversation with my dh if he said he thinks he deserved sexual fulfilment but not with me!! WTAF!! I think op is being very very understanding, too understanding!! She needs to find her voice and assert herself.

He says that he feels he deserves sexual fulfilment (which of course I agree with) but that after three years of rejection from me he no longer feels he can find it with me

I'll eat a couple of sombreros if he hasn't got someone else on the go.

Of course he'll deny it, because right now, his wife is cast as the bad guy.

To answer the actual question the OP posted I would say, from my personal experience, no, I do not think so. I mean, you can make yourself have sex, sure, but be properly intimate with a person, no, I really do not believe it is possible.

However, there seem to be a lot of people who say otherwise, so maybe there still may is hope for you, my dear. Good luck!

Can't believe some of the responses on this thread.
He's been rejected over and over again, he's struggling to reignite the intimacy, he's communicated clearly why that's the case, and there's people on here going 'he must be cheating because all men love sex'
Is this really what we are saying in 2024 - is this what you teach your kids??? That if a man doesn't want sex with a woman he's either cheating or there's something wrong with him?

Bloody hell, the misandry on this thread.

Quite.

Quite!

I have never been turned down ever, so either I am a sex siren ( which isn’t true) or men are biologically programmed to enjoy sex

This has got to be a joke.

They've had sex! intermittently granted. It really isn't uncommon when kids are little particularly when one has SEND for things to be a bit hit and miss. I'm the last person to support sexless relationships because someone just cba but when then is a reason for reduced intimacy it is completely different.

Most loving partners would be on board with finding a way forward. The op's dh is sulking or has other activities to keep him entertained.

He is blaming the op and that is very childish and not remotely helpful.

Misandry.

Yes, misandry. There are people of this thread basically claiming that men aren't capable of any other feelings than "horny", and that if they dare to feel anything different then they must be shagging someone else.

I've seen a lot of negative opinions of men on this site and often they're justified, but some of the posts on this thread are quite frankly disgusting.