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Original poster

Can ex partners be friends

27 replies

Justkeepswiimming · 14/05/2024 18:35

Just that really. Can you have a serious relationship. Marriage, kids, etc. Separate or divorce. And be friends?

OP posts:
WiloTheWisp · 14/05/2024 18:41

I think that depends on why you split. It’s easier for the non hurt party to want to be friends.

I’ve no wish to be friends with any of my exes. No thanks.

PalomaJaneintheDales · 14/05/2024 19:04

I've never known it to happen, personally.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/05/2024 19:06

Plenty of people are so yes, it’s possible. Both DH and I are friends with a couple of ours, and with each others’. If you don’t want to be friends with yours, you don’t have to be and shouldn’t feel pressured to be.

Original poster
Justkeepswiimming · 14/05/2024 19:13

@ComtesseDeSpair we share a child together, so we've remained in close contact. At one point he wanted to get back together, and it always at the back of my mind that those may be his motivations behind being friendly. I've made my position clear in that regard, so there can be no confusion, but have absolutely no aversion to being friends with him. I've been friendly and kind at much as possible since separating.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 14/05/2024 19:39

As a pp said, it depends on why you split.

If they treated you badly / lied / cheated / were abusive.... then no. Why would you want to be friends with someone like that? It would neber be a genuine friendship as you know they don't respect or particuarly like you.

If you realised you shouldn't have got married, mutually, nobody lied or cheated. You get along fine but there's no 'spark' / you want very different things (such as children), then yes you can be friends.

You have to be certain that neither party harbours any hopes of reconciliation (or of an occasional hook-up) as friends won't work in those cases.

Hotgirlwinter · 14/05/2024 19:46

Yes I think so but there are a lot of criteria to truly be friends with an ex including absolutely no residual sexual feelings on either side, if you’ve both moved to the “I love you but not IN love with you /
don’t want to rip your clothes off” friendzone areas then its possible as you’ve already moved away from sexual intimacy.

If there are even the smallest feelings on one or both sides then its not a friendship, as you’ve stated it’s a bit like a manipulation - one person is holding out for the other and using friendship as a mechanism to make something happen.

I def think ppl can be friends but it’s a long road and it’s the exception not the rule surely

savethatkitty · 14/05/2024 19:50

Eventually, perhaps.

Takes a lot of maturity & putting the kids needs first etc

But, there was obviously something that drew you together, you were friends at some point during the relationship, so I don't see why you couldn't be friends afterwards

category12 · 14/05/2024 19:55

I don't see why not as long as there was no abuse or anything like that.

If he's still hopeful about getting back with you, though, you need to be careful about boundaries and I'd avoid drinking together.

And things might change when either or both of you are dating others.

JamSandle · 14/05/2024 20:20

Imo, absolutely.

AbFabDaaaaahling · 14/05/2024 20:22

Definitely. I'm still really good friends with my first serious boyfriend (16 - 23). We're both now in our 40s and married (to different people).

Poachedeggavocado · 14/05/2024 20:30

Yes. Had quite an intense uni relationship, split up. Got back in touch and became good very close friends. He did the reading at my wedding. My DH likes him and I think his DW is awesome. 20 years later we still bicker on whatsapp, although he lives very far away so I only see him every few years but we've all been up to stay etc.

NetMum2 · 14/05/2024 20:38

It’s not as common, but of course you can be friends! I guess it depends on the reason behind the split and whether it’s something you both want.

NewNameNigel · 14/05/2024 22:01

I've only ever managed to want to be proper friends with exes I was never really in love with.

Bittenonce · 14/05/2024 22:28

I was wanting to ask this - so can't begin to answer it.... My DP of 6 years decided she needed someone younger, went OLD looking for others. When I found out, lied and manipulated me for 4 months, basically to keep me on as FWB. Completely did my head in. Went total NC for 3 months, now she's in touch again 'just as friends'. Trouble is when we're together, we both get same good feeling as we ever did. But know she didn't care how much she hurt me, guess she doesn't care still. And I think I'm going mad trying to reconcile the 'feels so natural together' with 'she doesn't give a sh**'.
Don't know if we can be friends without going mad.....
Guess maybe the answer to your question is 'Yes, it's easy if you don't really care'.

ClareBlue · 15/05/2024 10:41

@Bittenonce friendship with this person is definitely not possible at this stage. It's just drama and manipulation, not friends.

Toomanysquishmallows · 15/05/2024 12:07

I can’t stand my ex , he’s a child abandoning cheat , so definitely no friendship there !

Bittenonce · 15/05/2024 14:27

ClareBlue · 15/05/2024 10:41

@Bittenonce friendship with this person is definitely not possible at this stage. It's just drama and manipulation, not friends.

Thanks - guess I knew really. Just needed someone independent to tell me

FlamingoYellow · 15/05/2024 14:35

I hope so...I'm going on a 2 week long holiday with mine later this year...

PossumintheHouse · 15/05/2024 14:38

No.

Original poster
Justkeepswiimming · 15/05/2024 14:44

@FlamingoYellow interesting. Do you have children together?

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 15/05/2024 14:49

I have a friend who currently has her ex-husband as their boss. No kids, so they lost touch post divorce, 20 years later and she gets an email from him the day before saying he's just spotted her name in the list of CVs for tomorrow!

A year in and so far it's been fine apparently, so it is possible.

Missamyp · 15/05/2024 14:56

Dp friendly with all his exes..

FlamingoYellow · 15/05/2024 15:08

Justkeepswiimming · 15/05/2024 14:44

@FlamingoYellow interesting. Do you have children together?

Yes, that's the only reason I'm going. The dcs want a holiday with their dad and he can't afford to take them on his own so we're pooling resources this year.

We get on much better as friends than as a couple.

CulturalNomad · 15/05/2024 15:32

It's possible for some people as long as they're capable of being ruthlessly honest about their motivation to remain friends. If there's even the tiniest hope of reconciliation on one person's part then it's a recipe for heartache.

Personally I've found it easy to be on friendly terms with an ex but not what I'd call actual "friends". The relationship ended for a reason and I don't want that person to be an important part of my life any longer (which a friend would be). But cordial and " friendly"....sure.

GreyCarpet · 15/05/2024 19:31

I wouldn't want to be tbh.

One of my exes is a friend of friends so we do sometimes find ourselves socialising together. I don't dislike him enough to want to avoid him bit I have no desire to stay friends with him. Happy to have a catch up etc but that's all.

My relationship with my exh is amicable and I don't feel the need for anything more than that.

I'm friendly with a few men I went on a couple of dates with but realised there was nothing there but actual exes? No.