Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why cant I get over it?

35 replies

Lambzig · 14/05/2024 10:58

I am going to sound pretty pathetic here, but I am really struggling to get over the end of a short relationship last year.

We were only together for six months, but I really really fell for him. I can be quite detached in relationships and I wasn't with him.

The relationship ended last summer when his ex wife (who had been living with someone else) ended her current relationship, blew up about something to do with me and wanted him back. He chose to go back to her instead of be with me.

He told me he was in love with me, but he saw it as choosing his family, over being with me.

We carried on talking for a little while as friends, but when we met for a coffee last December, I realised it was just too painful for me.

Since then I have been on a few dates, but I always compare to him. I think I have probably cried about him every day since we split. I have gone to therapy (I am a therapist) and I just cant figure it out. I feel worthless and disposable and I cant see being happy again.

OP posts:
Dadjoke007 · 14/05/2024 11:13

Same for me - 9 months and she went back to ex (not kids dad) and it crushed me as she was amazing. No-one I have seen will measure up and the sad thing is that when we met up after it was over we had the best sex and some amazing times together.

Sadly we live very close, and our paths do cross and that makes it all the more harder. Think about her all the time. For me its only been a month or so but not any easier!

WinterKid72 · 14/05/2024 12:35

Well ain't that a bitch? Right now you're probably getting loads of unwelcome thoughts tapping you on the shoulder, ruminating, going over the wreckage. I haven't stood in your particular shoes but I understand. You need to bear in mind the bad history they already share. He's gone back for more because it's familiar to him but he'll already know that's not happiness. She wouldn't an ex wife if their dynamic had been a successful one but some people. Another thing to remember, she's just kicked another bloke out of her bed beforehand. That would definitely be a challenge for any man to overcome once the dust settles. Did he ever give any clue as to the character of his ex wife? Because she sounds rather manipulative and quite threatened by her ex husband's happiness. I dunno, maybe he said something complimentary about you which put her on the war path to destroy the incoming threat. Insecurities can make people astonishingly childish.

Stay cool. You're going to be great again, it's okay. Just say nothing more and keep your feelings closely guarded.

studioussquirrel · 14/05/2024 13:27

Time will heal you.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 14/05/2024 13:29

I feel your pain. Same here 😔😔😔

Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 13:29

Thank you. That does help.

I expect he will be happy enough - it doesn't really matter, he made his choice. She definitely reacted when she saw him happy with me, but he made the decision to go back to her.

What I struggle with is why I cant get over it. I can see his weaknesses and how he didnt treat me well, but I dont seem to be able to get over it. I fear I am always going to be alone now.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 14/05/2024 13:38

Snap. Except there's no ex-wife. Well, there is, but she's on the other side of the world. I know I can live without him, but I'd be back there in a second if he would. Which isn't really fair on the new one I'm sort of seeing.

Bestyearever2024 · 14/05/2024 13:46

Lambzig · 14/05/2024 13:29

Thank you. That does help.

I expect he will be happy enough - it doesn't really matter, he made his choice. She definitely reacted when she saw him happy with me, but he made the decision to go back to her.

What I struggle with is why I cant get over it. I can see his weaknesses and how he didnt treat me well, but I dont seem to be able to get over it. I fear I am always going to be alone now.

I had a similar inexplicable struggle (from an even shorter relationship and no ex wife)

I couldn't understand it. I found the strength of my feelings quite frightening. It made no sense

After about a year I happened to see a photograph of him on Facebook and something inside my brain clicked and I thought 'omg, he's horrible'.....he wasn't horrible, not at all, but just like THAT, I was over him.

So weird

Dadjoke007 · 14/05/2024 13:52

This is where hate can be a positive!

When my ex-wife moved out it became quite bitter (compared to many though it was ok) and that hate (again, strong word, she is the mum of my kids) killed off any feelings almost instantly. It's those relationships that are good that don't work are hard. With my wife if I do think back to 'she looked cute, or remember when we ...", it is quickly tempered by the thoughts of "yes but she did this or said that"- with an ex GF there was none of that and that's what makes it hard to move on. So maybe try to find a bit of anger/hate from it?

Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 13:52

Last date I went on I cried when he asked me about previous relationships - that the level of pathetic I have reached.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 13:55

Bestyearever2024 · 14/05/2024 13:46

I had a similar inexplicable struggle (from an even shorter relationship and no ex wife)

I couldn't understand it. I found the strength of my feelings quite frightening. It made no sense

After about a year I happened to see a photograph of him on Facebook and something inside my brain clicked and I thought 'omg, he's horrible'.....he wasn't horrible, not at all, but just like THAT, I was over him.

So weird

Show quote history

Gosh I would absolutely love to feel this way about him. He sent me a happy birthday message video at the end of march and I cried my eyes out.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 14/05/2024 14:00

Try and remind yourself that if you can love the wrong person that much just imagine how much you’ll love the right person who will treat you correctly, feel the same and have respect for you.

If finding the one was that easy it wouldn’t be the special thing it is.

try and find the positives of the relationship and think about what you can learn from it. What you will and won’t stand for in the future.

it will be ok.

Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 15:05

I think it might be a bit late for me now.

I was married for twenty-odd years, mostly happy but if I am honest we were mainly just friends for the most of that time.

This relationship and the love I felt and how much I wanted to be with him really shocked me. It was new for me.

If it took me until my 50s to find that, I doubt its going to come along again, and that thought is just so awful. I think its just a thought, but I do from time to time, think I dont want to live life feeling this empty and sad.

OP posts:
AddictedtoStarmix · 14/05/2024 15:25

Maybe it has triggered a core memory of abandonment, not being enough. Consequently your current feelings and responses are a culmination of every time in your past where you have been or felt rejected.
This is where self-compassion exercises can be so helpful to help rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth.
What would you advise a client in your situation?
Grieve the loss, and then explore what you need to protect your vulnerabilities and move forward.
I wonder if the fact you have resigned yourself to being alone now is why the loss feels so intense?
Heal, find new things to do, meet new people, learn a new skill.
Every time you ruminate, distract yourself with something that focuses on you.
You will soon feel better and be able to recognise that the relationship ending is a good thing. You stated he didn't always treat you well, which would likely have become more pronounced over time and you would still have felt so many of your current feelings.
Now you are free to love yourself how you deserve to be loved, whilst he repeats the same patterns, with the same outcome.

EnglishBluebell · 14/05/2024 15:41

Lambzig · 14/05/2024 15:05

I think it might be a bit late for me now.

I was married for twenty-odd years, mostly happy but if I am honest we were mainly just friends for the most of that time.

This relationship and the love I felt and how much I wanted to be with him really shocked me. It was new for me.

If it took me until my 50s to find that, I doubt its going to come along again, and that thought is just so awful. I think its just a thought, but I do from time to time, think I dont want to live life feeling this empty and sad.

If you know you still love each other then fight for him!

Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 16:00

I tried, I really did, especially when he kept telling me he still loves me. But he has made up his mind. Says he loves me but he has chosen his family. His wife made it clear that she would do her best to destroy his relationship with his sons if he didnt go back. I have to tell myself that his decision means that he is weak, and that I didnt matter enough.

His stance is that we both met the right person at the wrong time, and in another life.....

And I am not going to break up anyone's marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 16:00

AddictedtoStarmix · 14/05/2024 15:25

Maybe it has triggered a core memory of abandonment, not being enough. Consequently your current feelings and responses are a culmination of every time in your past where you have been or felt rejected.
This is where self-compassion exercises can be so helpful to help rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth.
What would you advise a client in your situation?
Grieve the loss, and then explore what you need to protect your vulnerabilities and move forward.
I wonder if the fact you have resigned yourself to being alone now is why the loss feels so intense?
Heal, find new things to do, meet new people, learn a new skill.
Every time you ruminate, distract yourself with something that focuses on you.
You will soon feel better and be able to recognise that the relationship ending is a good thing. You stated he didn't always treat you well, which would likely have become more pronounced over time and you would still have felt so many of your current feelings.
Now you are free to love yourself how you deserve to be loved, whilst he repeats the same patterns, with the same outcome.

Thank you. All of this makes sense and yes I would be saying this to a client, but I dont seem to be able to apply it to myself, even in therapy.

OP posts:
Ydkiml · 14/05/2024 17:39

I split with an ex years ago and felt exactly the same about him . I knew I’d never get over him and I couldn’t fancy anyone else no matter hard I tried . I changed my mobile number so he couldn’t contact me , and I felt I was carrying him around with me . It killed me to think I’d never get over him and I wondered if I even did , how long will it take . Two years - no contact . Within two year in not hearing from him or seeing him I was over him ! Still single at that point but I felt excited about my future. Married to a wonderful man now . Change your phone number and self care . He determined to move on and not hope you ll be together again . That would prolong the pain and wouldn’t work anyway as you’d be too insecure in the relationship to enjoy it .

Ydkiml · 14/05/2024 17:40

Be determined not he determined

ThisIsaNiceDress · 14/05/2024 18:06

Get out there and meet another person. I was where you are. It was terrifying. But it wasn’t true that he was the one and you can’t have it again. You can. Just keep looking.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 14/05/2024 19:30

Lambzig · 14/05/2024 15:05

I think it might be a bit late for me now.

I was married for twenty-odd years, mostly happy but if I am honest we were mainly just friends for the most of that time.

This relationship and the love I felt and how much I wanted to be with him really shocked me. It was new for me.

If it took me until my 50s to find that, I doubt its going to come along again, and that thought is just so awful. I think its just a thought, but I do from time to time, think I dont want to live life feeling this empty and sad.

You might have another 40 or 50 years left on this earth - it's far from too late.

I suspect that's what might be behind your feelings though. You're not just grieving the relationship but the hope of ever having another like it?

Original poster
Lambzig · 14/05/2024 20:17

I think it’s the shock of finally feeling something I’d never felt before. I don’t think I’d been in love before really.

I suppose I feel if it took me 40 years of romantic relationships to finally find someone who made me feel like that, that was my one chance.

I was never lonely before in my life. I’m lonely without him.

OP posts:
SOSyoucandothis · 14/05/2024 21:18

There's no such things as the right person wrong time.

If he was the RIGHT PERSON, it wouldn't be the wrong time. It would work.

The universe is trying to tell you something. Listen.

Minfilia · 14/05/2024 21:53

Kindly OP - would you accept a client of yours calling themselves pathetic?

So why are you allowing yourself to do it? What would you say to a client in your position?

Original poster
Lambzig · 15/05/2024 07:39

Thats helpful thank you. I think I would be sitting feeling angry for my client on how the man had treated her, I would be trying to help her build her self esteem and I would be flat out telling her that she was not pathetic, that its never pathetic to love someone.

The problem with being a therapist is that I know exactly why he behaved like he did, in some ways we are alike, and its hard to hate him. I wish I could get to indifference about him though.

OP posts:
Minfilia · 15/05/2024 09:32

I think indifference will come in time. And I’m sure as a therapist you know that deep down!

I am not a therapist. But I can imagine understanding the psychology of humans in the way that you do could actually sometimes make relationships more difficult. Maybe you need to find your inner voice and try and give yourself a bit of therapy?

FWIW though, I don’t think it’s pathetic.