Why cant I get over it?

[Lambzig]

I am going to sound pretty pathetic here, but I am really struggling to get over the end of a short relationship last year.

We were only together for six months, but I really really fell for him. I can be quite detached in relationships and I wasn't with him.

The relationship ended last summer when his ex wife (who had been living with someone else) ended her current relationship, blew up about something to do with me and wanted him back. He chose to go back to her instead of be with me.

He told me he was in love with me, but he saw it as choosing his family, over being with me.

We carried on talking for a little while as friends, but when we met for a coffee last December, I realised it was just too painful for me.

Since then I have been on a few dates, but I always compare to him. I think I have probably cried about him every day since we split. I have gone to therapy (I am a therapist) and I just cant figure it out. I feel worthless and disposable and I cant see being happy again.

He chose his children over you. You know that if he'd had no children he would still be with you now. Therefore it's difficult to feel indifferent to someone who acted morally and with integrity.

However you have now experienced this love, this first time love

I'd suggest that this is a pre cursor to something even better. It feels that way to me. Not that this was your only chance for love, but that it happened , briefly, to show you what you're capable of feeling

And to open you up to the next

That is what he says. that he chose his family. its hard because his children are adults, but he firmly believed his wife would destroy his relationship with them. I cant really blame him for that.

Of course - although with the kids being adults I'd have thought that they could make their own minds up

He has, however, decided not to believe that the kids can make their own minds up, decided to be scared of his wife's vitriol and leave you

Within that process there is the potential for you to see him for who he is and gradually for you to take on board that you deserve more than to be set aside for him to live a life of fear and vitriol

I do believe that once you can view him differently and shift your thought patterning about him and your relationship with him.....there is lots of hope for your future

Yes it doesn’t really matter anymore why he ended it. The fact is he ended it. I doubt he’ll be happy but that really isn’t my problem.

it’s more that I am struggling, my therapist is stuck on how to shift this and I don’t understand it.

I think I can’t see him as anything but perfect.

I thought the straight talkers of number would see me right and this is helpful. Thank you.

@Lambzig the stuff you know about his wife, do you know this because she has told you or because he has told you?

To be honest the shorter relationships are often harder to get over because they've acted like a twat enough for you to dump them but not been long enough for you to have properly recognised the total shit storm they offer.

All relationships have nice parts. People are good at selling themselves. Usually around the 8 month mark the real person starts to show. A measure of most people is how long their relationships usually last. If it is about 1yr they're a serial dater who isn't reflecting on their own behaviour and growing, repeating the same patterns for a dopamine hit then running. Steer clear.

Sorry, didn't RTFT but hope that helps as to why you're struggling.

I know his wife. Our social circles overlapped occasionally and I’ve known them both for about 10 years. She is generally known for being very judgemental and a bit of a control freak.
We got talking a while after she left him and got together about six months after that. I absolutely believe him and have heard same from other people.

he’s not a serial dater. Married 20 odd years, then me, then back to her.

Hmm, I find it hard to believe she's as awful as is painted if he has chosen to go back to her. Could you be suffering from cognitive bias, where you might be latching on solely to any bad things you've heard about her, rather than seeing her and their relationship more holistically?

Well...... whatever his reasons for going back to her and not having faith in his adult children, that's what he's chosen and you now have to work out how to disentangle your energy from his

No idea if you're into cutting chords or anything like that? You could have a Google and see what you feel about it?

She has been fairly poisonous to me directly. And she did something utterly awful to him. But it doesn’t really matter, he made his choice - I’d prefer he was happy.

I don’t think it’s about that. It’s about me not being able to move on.