Am I being over sensitive?

springpromise · 2024-05-13T13:03:15+00:00

This could end up being a long one so apologies in advance. My Dad came over yesterday for Sunday dinner. We do this maybe once or twice a month; he and my sibling will come to mine and either me or sibling will cook dinner and Dad will do the dishes. He’d been to the pub for a few hours when he turned up and I could tell he was in a funny mood but tried to ignore it so as not to create an atmosphere. After clearing his plate, he moaned that he didn’t enjoy it and off he went to do the dishes. He came back through 5-10 mins later raging saying the amount of dishes was fucking ridiculous, what the fuck and can he get a fucking break. For context, I clean as I go as much as possible and anything that’s left I rinse and stack nicely. They were not “fucking ridiculous”. I calmly said leave it and I’ll do them then to which he said no he’d do them and slammed the door as hard as he could. He came back more calmly once they’d been done and asked did we agree I’d used far too many pots and pans, etc. We were still taken aback by his initial outburst and had sat in silence until that point. I told him that I’d offered to do them and he refused and that there was absolutely no need for swearing and slamming doors and his general aggression. He just scowled, rolled his eyes dismissively and left but he’ll pop round later as if nothing’s happened because he’s one of those people who can never say sorry or admit they’re wrong, ever. A few months ago, he started rampaging around my kitchen - banging loudly and leaving this strewn about while making a sandwich because my sibling was still cooking when he arrived. I feel so stupid but I spent the night crying because it took me right back to my childhood when his angry outbursts were much worse and more frequent. There’s a whole backstory but I’ve rambled for long enough. He has a lot of good points despite this, but I can’t cope with another outburst or feeling like I need to walk on eggshells because he can’t express his anger in a healthy way. I don’t even know why I’m posting really, maybe just confirm that this isn’t normal behaviour and I’m not overreacting.

Lemsipper · 13/05/2024 14:08

YANBU id let him know how he makes you feel, via a text if you don’t want it face to face. Then unless he makes drastic changes, cut him out of your life. Dont put up with crappy people just because they’re “family”. What does that even mean anyway if they make you feel like crap.

DrJonesIpresume · 13/05/2024 14:09

That is not normal behaviour and no, you are not over-reacting.

Ask yourself whether he would behave like that at his friend's house or at work, or down the pub. No he wouldn't. There is no excuse for him to behave like that in your home.

You are going to have to do it, aren't you, and tell him he is no longer welcome in your house.

StrawberryWater · 13/05/2024 14:10

Well I wouldn't invite him back that's for sure and I'd let him know why.

The beauty of being an adult is that you don't have to put up or give in to rude behaviour. Start giving consequences. Nobody has the right to mistreat you., or mistreat you in your home which is your safe space.

Sparkletastic · 13/05/2024 14:14

No more Sunday lunches at yours for dad.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/05/2024 14:16

Does the booze change his behaviour?

Original poster

springpromise · 13/05/2024 14:21

Thank you for your replies.

Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as going NC or cutting him out. My Mum passed away a couple of years ago and the three of us are generally close-ish and supportive of each other. I know I need to address his behaviour though but he’s a difficult person to do this with as he just won’t ever admit to being in the wrong. When I told him there was no need to swear, etc last night, he literally looked me straight in the face and said he didn’t swear! This is what I’m dealing with.

I will tell him though that I won’t tolerate that level of aggression in my home and if he can’t behave accordingly, he won’t be welcome.

OP posts:

Original poster

springpromise · 13/05/2024 14:24

BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/05/2024 14:16

Does the booze change his behaviour?

It depends on his mood, really. He’s always had superiority complex so 9/10 times when he’s had a drink this is magnified and he’s just utterly obnoxious.

Now and again it’ll spill over into anger but he doesn’t need drink to fly into a rage or be an arsehole.

OP posts:

Ivyy · 13/05/2024 14:24

Is it only when he's been drinking?

Have you spoken with your sibling about things?

As a pp said, as an adult you don't have to put up with this behaviour, as a child you didn't have a choice. You can put boundaries in place or not see him altogether. Have you considered some counselling to work through the complex feelings and history from your childhood op?

OmuraWhale · 13/05/2024 14:27

Honestly OP, it is that easy (although I know it may not seem like it). If you want to reduce contact - you can.

MILTOBE · 13/05/2024 14:35

I think I would send him a message: "When I was young I had no choice but to put up with bad behaviour on your part. It made me very unhappy and when I left home all I wanted was a safe home of my own. Yesterday you came into my home - you ate the dinner I'd cooked for you and you made a complete show of yourself, banging around my kitchen, swearing and shouting. I'm not going to put up with this behaviour. It makes me feel unhappy and unsafe in my own home. If you ever behave like this again you won't be allowed into my home. That means Christmases, birthdays and special occasions will take place here without you. It's not on. You have no right to come into my home, drunk, and behave like that. I'm not going to put up with it."

Original poster

springpromise · 13/05/2024 14:41

Ivyy · 13/05/2024 14:24

Is it only when he's been drinking?

Have you spoken with your sibling about things?

As a pp said, as an adult you don't have to put up with this behaviour, as a child you didn't have a choice. You can put boundaries in place or not see him altogether. Have you considered some counselling to work through the complex feelings and history from your childhood op?

No, it’s not just when he’s drunk. It doesn’t happen frequently but when he kicks off I start shaking and feeling sick like I did when I was a child.

My sibling is closer to him and seems happy to go along with acting like nothing has happened.

Yes, I’m currently looking into therapy.

OP posts:

HopeFloatsAbove · 13/05/2024 14:44

OP no you are not being overly sensitive so dont think that.

His behavior was out of order, being invited over for dinner and behaving like that is not on, ever. By anyone.

I was subjected to abuse as a child so can relate to what you are saying. They know what they are doing, and yes they know it will hurt us. Their behavior serves a purpose for them which is to be in control.

My thinking is that he is probably hoping for two things here, first is to be invited, and the food has to be top notch and enjoyable, second is he is hoping the washing up will be dropped on someone else.

He wont change now.

Original poster

springpromise · 13/05/2024 15:08

@HopeFloatsAbove he’s definitely mellowed as he’s got older but he was a massive control freak when I was younger. He’s never been able to express anger in a healthy way.

I accidentally dropped a laptop when I was maybe 12 and the screen was slightly damaged but could’ve been fixed. He was so enraged he hurled it against a mirror because I was ungrateful and couldn’t look after anything. I couldn’t even look at him the next day and he asked why I wasn’t talking to him as I was the one who broke the laptop.

I threw my sibling the remote when they asked for it and it accidentally hit their chin - they weren’t hurt and I didn’t throw it with any force - but he started screaming that I’d done it on purpose. Then he hit me with it full pelt as I stood there sobbing.

OP posts:

HopeFloatsAbove · 13/05/2024 15:22

Yeah OP, it really sounds like he does not see his outbursts as anything out of the ordinary. People who abuse dont see it as abuse.

You are clearly self aware, you can see through it, so its understandable that what he does affects because you know the pattern so well.

I have had therapy, and it helped. But I had to find the right orginasation that dealt with child abuse, and domestic abuse because a therapist that has never been subjected to child abuse, thankfully, will not relate so well to the things you may want to talk about. I know Womans Aid, your local one, will have resources, or know of a good place to start, even if this is your dad, they will have dealt with this and know who to look for to guide you toward a good therapist.

I am currently dealing with this as my parents are over for a visit until the 18th of June, its really draining, and I am tip toeing still, thankfully I can talk to my therapist on Thursday who understands.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 13/05/2024 15:33

I know it's hard when dealing with parents unpleasant behaviour when you are an adult because you are conditioned to tolerate and accept it as a child. You know he won't apologise and will blow up again if you tell him it's unacceptable.
The way I deal with it is to not invite them round. Then when they ask why, or try to engineer an invite I say ' you didn't enjoy yourself last time and got angry, so I didn't think you wanted to come again'. By doing this, I'm not criticising them directly.

Muffin101 · 13/05/2024 15:37

That’s absolutely appalling, what a bastard to treat you that way when he’s being hosted in your home. He wouldn’t be stepping over my threshold again, that’s for sure.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 15:37

You're an adult now and I would absolutely let him HAVE IT over this. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and how dare he treat you like this and behave so horribly in your home. You need to go to his house today and tell him that. Tell him he must never, ever behave this way in your presence again. If he does, there will have to consequences.

Don't ever put up with this abuse again.

Muffin101 · 13/05/2024 15:40

Also! No, you’re absolutely not being overly sensitive, he’s an unkind, aggressive prick who abused you as a child and seems to think he can still abuse you as an adult. Please don’t accept this, you don’t deserve it and you shouldn’t put up with it a moment longer

Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 15:42

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 15:37

You're an adult now and I would absolutely let him HAVE IT over this. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and how dare he treat you like this and behave so horribly in your home. You need to go to his house today and tell him that. Tell him he must never, ever behave this way in your presence again. If he does, there will have to consequences.

Don't ever put up with this abuse again.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

op, this is who he is, so you either need to accept this is going to surface occasionally or you need to go no contact. He won’t change. You can tell him all you want, it won’t change.

can I ask how old is he?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 15:43

Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 15:42

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

op, this is who he is, so you either need to accept this is going to surface occasionally or you need to go no contact. He won’t change. You can tell him all you want, it won’t change.

can I ask how old is he?

Show quote history

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

What two wrongs are you meaning?

Original poster

springpromise · 13/05/2024 15:46

I’d never thought of Women’s Aid @HopeFloatsAbove, thanks. I’ll contact them and see what they say. I did have some counselling last year but they were totally unsuitable so I know how important it is to find the right fit.

I hope the visit goes as well as can be expected.

OP posts:

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/05/2024 15:48

springpromise · 13/05/2024 14:21

Thank you for your replies.

Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as going NC or cutting him out. My Mum passed away a couple of years ago and the three of us are generally close-ish and supportive of each other. I know I need to address his behaviour though but he’s a difficult person to do this with as he just won’t ever admit to being in the wrong. When I told him there was no need to swear, etc last night, he literally looked me straight in the face and said he didn’t swear! This is what I’m dealing with.

I will tell him though that I won’t tolerate that level of aggression in my home and if he can’t behave accordingly, he won’t be welcome.

Well I wouldn't invite him back that's for sure and I'd let him know why.

The beauty of being an adult is that you don't have to put up or give in to rude behaviour. Start giving consequences. Nobody has the right to mistreat you., or mistreat you in your home which is your safe space.

What @StrawberryWater said above x 100.

I couldn’t have a close relationship with someone who abused me and my hospitality like this, parent or not.
However, if you do have him in your house again, and I suspect you will, record his abusive behaviour and let him deny it again.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/05/2024 15:50

MILTOBE · 13/05/2024 14:35

I think I would send him a message: "When I was young I had no choice but to put up with bad behaviour on your part. It made me very unhappy and when I left home all I wanted was a safe home of my own. Yesterday you came into my home - you ate the dinner I'd cooked for you and you made a complete show of yourself, banging around my kitchen, swearing and shouting. I'm not going to put up with this behaviour. It makes me feel unhappy and unsafe in my own home. If you ever behave like this again you won't be allowed into my home. That means Christmases, birthdays and special occasions will take place here without you. It's not on. You have no right to come into my home, drunk, and behave like that. I'm not going to put up with it."

This is fab.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/05/2024 15:52

springpromise · 13/05/2024 15:08

@HopeFloatsAbove he’s definitely mellowed as he’s got older but he was a massive control freak when I was younger. He’s never been able to express anger in a healthy way.

I accidentally dropped a laptop when I was maybe 12 and the screen was slightly damaged but could’ve been fixed. He was so enraged he hurled it against a mirror because I was ungrateful and couldn’t look after anything. I couldn’t even look at him the next day and he asked why I wasn’t talking to him as I was the one who broke the laptop.

I threw my sibling the remote when they asked for it and it accidentally hit their chin - they weren’t hurt and I didn’t throw it with any force - but he started screaming that I’d done it on purpose. Then he hit me with it full pelt as I stood there sobbing.

Wow, he’s a disgusting violent bully. If your sibling wants to put up with him let him/her. You don’t have to.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2024 15:53

springpromise · 13/05/2024 14:21

Thank you for your replies.

Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as going NC or cutting him out. My Mum passed away a couple of years ago and the three of us are generally close-ish and supportive of each other. I know I need to address his behaviour though but he’s a difficult person to do this with as he just won’t ever admit to being in the wrong. When I told him there was no need to swear, etc last night, he literally looked me straight in the face and said he didn’t swear! This is what I’m dealing with.

I will tell him though that I won’t tolerate that level of aggression in my home and if he can’t behave accordingly, he won’t be welcome.

Why isn't it that easy op?

And not just 'because he's my dad.'

That isn't a reason.

He abused you as a child and he's abusing you as an adult.

No. No you don't have to put up with it 'because he's my dad.'