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Original poster

My partner is messaging/calling ex fling

29 replies

Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 12:33

I have been with my partner for 10 years, and we have a good relationship, or I thought we did. Although we don't live together (by mutual consent), We do lots together, holidays, weekends away, frequent meals out, and he treats me very well.

Before we met, he had an affair with a married woman, he knew her from school and they met again at a funeral.

The affair started from there. Meeting in hotels for sex every time he was home, as he works away. He said at the time it suited him, as he had just come out of a 20-year relationship and wasn't looking for a serious relationship. It all sounded very sleazy, he said he felt guilty and awful for her husband. He said she was starting to get emotionally attached, taking risks, and he made it clear he didn't want that.

We met, and he ended the affair. Apparently, she was happy he had met someone.

A few years into our relationship, I discovered he'd still been communicating with her, I told him I wasn't comfortable with this, as according to him, I told him i couldn't be in a relationship with him if it continued as their relationship was built purely on sex, he apologised and said he'd end this communication. I thought that was the end of it.

Fast forward to Saturday night, we have been away, and he got really pissed we had a bit of a row, and he left his phone in the hotel room while he stumbled out to clear his head, it had been in the hotel safe for most of the holiday. The phone suddenly bleeped, and I noticed a whatasapp message from 'Peter Jones', but the whatsapp picture was of his ex fling.

It just said 'Hi you OK? X'

I then opened the phone and found they had been also calling each other sometimes on consecutive days. The messages also had some sort of encryption on them. It looks like they had all been hidden or deleted.

I immediately confronted him when he returned. At first, he tried to deny it, but when I told him to open his phone and show me, he admitted they 'occasionally' messaged and spoke to see how each other were doing.

He said they spoke about their kids and jobs, and he said he has told her to leave her unhappy marriage and find happiness. He has denied ever meeting up with her or wanting to.

He says he loves me and would never cheat on me. He said he is very happy in our relationship. It is just two old friends chatting.

I just feel absolutely devastated, I'm not sure I can continue in this relationship. We returned home last night, and I haven't slept a wink, torturing myself with all kinds of scenarios.

I can't tell anyone IRL, but I'm desperate to get some perspective from someone.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 13/05/2024 12:43

People having innocent conversations about kids and jobs don't encrypt messages or hide/delete them. Sorry OP, my first thought would be he's shagging her again.

ChangeAgain2 · 13/05/2024 12:45

End the relationship. He knew you weren't comfortable with the "friendship". He continued it behind your back in secret. You had a boundary and he pissed all over it. You were clear that you wouldn't continue your relationship with him if he was trifling with her and he carried on and lied so he could have his cake and eat it.

IhateSPSS · 13/05/2024 12:48

I have had two experiences with partners whose exes were still checking in/around.

My ex bf had a couple of his exes involved in our relationship in some capacity and it absolutely was the case that he was doing it for his ego. We ended up splitting up as it damaged us as their messages/presence was a constant background thing.

My now DH had a long term, live in relationship with a woman twice his age when he was young. When we got together he says they were still on friendly terms so I accepted it. But the woman ended up sending him messages about still loving him and phoning him whilst drunk so I just said I wasn't prepared to go through another relationship where I was worried about an inappropriate emotional connection with an ex, so he either cut contact or we split up. I just couldn't be bothered with it. He accepted that and cut contact.

Respect is a choice and even if your DP in his head thinks it's all completely innocent, if it's something making you feel insecure and question your attachment then why would he risk it?

Greywitch2 · 13/05/2024 12:53

ChangeAgain2 · 13/05/2024 12:45

End the relationship. He knew you weren't comfortable with the "friendship". He continued it behind your back in secret. You had a boundary and he pissed all over it. You were clear that you wouldn't continue your relationship with him if he was trifling with her and he carried on and lied so he could have his cake and eat it.

This.

He made the choice to prioritise keeping her in his life at the risk of losing you. He has no one but himself to blame. I'd be absolutely done. I don't honestly care if they have been swinging from the chandeliers in a sex dungeon, or just texting about the weather.

It was made clear that not keeping in contact with her in any way was a condition to being in a relationship with you. And he chose to continue in secret. All trust and respect must surely now be gone, and therefore the relationship is over.

Original poster
Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 12:55

Another thing that has made me uneasy is, on our way to the airport, my son called me and asked me to transfer money to him. I couldn't open my banking app, so I asked my partner to transfer money, and I'd reimburse him later.

He said he didn't think he had my sons banking details, so I said, "Pass me your phone, I'll be able to tell you" He wouldn't pass me the phone and said "Just ask him to message them to me" it was really weird like he didn't want me to see his banking recipients

OP posts:
Blondiebeachbabe · 13/05/2024 12:56

Ask him how he would feel, if you had an ex-flings number stored in your phone under the name Sharon, and you were regularly texting and calling that man, whilst lying to his face and saying that you had cut contact. Ask him, and give him time to really think about that and give you an answer.

And this :

We met, and he ended the affair. Apparently, she was happy he had met someone

Is a blatant lie. This is a woman who is so desperately unhappy in her marriage that she has an affair, gets emotionally attached and starts taking risks. No way in hell, was she happy that he had met someone and was cutting her off. She will have seen him as a lifeline, and possibly even wanted him to fall for her. She will have been livid and upset, and will have felt rejected.

Blondiebeachbabe · 13/05/2024 12:59

Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 12:55

Another thing that has made me uneasy is, on our way to the airport, my son called me and asked me to transfer money to him. I couldn't open my banking app, so I asked my partner to transfer money, and I'd reimburse him later.

He said he didn't think he had my sons banking details, so I said, "Pass me your phone, I'll be able to tell you" He wouldn't pass me the phone and said "Just ask him to message them to me" it was really weird like he didn't want me to see his banking recipients

I don't think it's that he didn't want you to see his banking recipients. It's more likely that he didn't want her to message him, whilst you were holding the phone, because you would have seen the pop up. He has her stored as Peter Jones, but her profile picture is of herself (obviously).

ChangeAgain2 · 13/05/2024 13:05

You can't trust him because he's not trustworthy. His behaviour is shady. He's trifling behind your back. It doesn't matter to what extent. I'm still friends with someone I dated. If my now husband told me that we couldnt be friends or he'd leave me I would have told him to not let the door hit him on his way out. I wouldn't have lied and had a secret relationship.

Original poster
Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 13:10

Blondiebeachbabe · 13/05/2024 12:59

I don't think it's that he didn't want you to see his banking recipients. It's more likely that he didn't want her to message him, whilst you were holding the phone, because you would have seen the pop up. He has her stored as Peter Jones, but her profile picture is of herself (obviously).

Show quote history

Yes that's right 'Peter fucking Jones' and a picture of her as bold as brass.

You're probably right, but this is where the devious bastard has got my head. Looking at everything like a loon, I'm now even contemplating if he's been sending her money.

OP posts:
ChangeAgain2 · 13/05/2024 13:12

Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 13:10

Yes that's right 'Peter fucking Jones' and a picture of her as bold as brass.

You're probably right, but this is where the devious bastard has got my head. Looking at everything like a loon, I'm now even contemplating if he's been sending her money.

Show quote history

Don't torture yourself. He isn't worth the time or headspace.

Original poster
Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 13:24

Thanks for your replies.

There is a very clear consensus that he needs to be binned, as my insticts have told me.

What a crying shame, ten years and lots of really great times, but the trust has gone, and the relationship is doomed.

OP posts:
SheSellsSea · 13/05/2024 13:56

I think I would be out of this one. He’s not managing his emotions or boundaries properly at all.

samestyle · 13/05/2024 15:32

They never ended the affair, he sounds like a bad liar.

PossumintheHouse · 13/05/2024 15:39

He's bullshitting you. He's been shagging her. And even if he hasn't, the emotional element of it is enough to bin him.
My ex did this. An emotional affair only, apparently (yeah, whatever). He'd saved her under his cousin's name. As soon as I discovered the messages, that was it. I met somebody else a year later, and so did he. The snivelling wanker continued to emailing me for months behind her back begging for another chance. I wish I'd told her.

MsDogLady · 13/05/2024 16:01

@Cozzadelsol, you drew a reasonable line and he agreed to it … but that was only lip service. He has reopened the window and sneaked her in as Peter Jones. He encrypted/deleted their messages and lied when you confronted him.

He feels entitled to trick and deceive you, just as she has always done to her H. Move on, @Cozzadelsol.
.

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2024 16:32

It's really sad and frustrating other read this, OP.

Of course I agree with the consensus to dump him but it just feels like such a waste of 10 years, doesn't it.

Why can't people just behave decently towards each other?

Dumping him is the right thing to do though. As you say, the trust is gone and with good reason.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 13/05/2024 16:49

Did he not realise that her picture would be sat there next to the alias of Peter Jones? The dickhead.

If they were just friends, he wouldn't have encrypted the messages, nor given her a false name. If he had any oil in his can he would have put her in there as Fiona Bruce My Accountant or similar.

It's the bin for him, I'm afraid. You can do much better than this sneaky toad.

Original poster
Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 16:55

Thanks, everyone, for your wise words. Thankfully, no kids, no property in common, just a car we share, that's on finance in his name, that he can shove up Peter Jones's arse

OP posts:
Original poster
Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 17:03

canyouletthedogoutplease · 13/05/2024 16:49

Did he not realise that her picture would be sat there next to the alias of Peter Jones? The dickhead.

If they were just friends, he wouldn't have encrypted the messages, nor given her a false name. If he had any oil in his can he would have put her in there as Fiona Bruce My Accountant or similar.

It's the bin for him, I'm afraid. You can do much better than this sneaky toad.

Thankfully, he must be as thick as pig shit 🐸🐸

OP posts:
Jaybail · 15/05/2024 18:01

Do you really want to be with someone who is so stupid that they save the ex's picture to the phone for when a message pops up? I mean, if you are going to cheat at least have the brains to cover your tracks! Sorry, not trying to be flippant - it may be (although I doubt it) that he's not physically cheating on you but the emotional deceipt would have me heading for the hills.

BrendaSmall · 15/05/2024 18:13

Cozzadelsol · 13/05/2024 13:10

Yes that's right 'Peter fucking Jones' and a picture of her as bold as brass.

You're probably right, but this is where the devious bastard has got my head. Looking at everything like a loon, I'm now even contemplating if he's been sending her money.

Show quote history

If they’ve got children together then he would sending her money??

Louise303 · 15/05/2024 21:00

He is being sneaky for a reason and so is she with her fake name he never felt sorry for her husband. I would have avoided him like the plague when you found out he was seeing a married woman. They are probably flirting and I would not be surprised if that haven't started meeting for sex again.You cannot trust him after this I feel sorry for her poor husband who is probably in the dark about it all.

Emmz1510 · 15/05/2024 21:11

If he was having an innocent friendship with her why all the secrecy/message encryption/fake contact name?
Nah. They both clearly have form for being deceitful and cheating and I would guess if they aren’t already seeing each other they either soon will be or it’s an emotional affair.

MsDogLady · 15/05/2024 21:54

How are things now, @Cozzadelsol?

AuntMarch · 19/05/2024 08:23

I'm on friendly terms with all of my exes, and two I see regularly. I wouldn't stop speaking to them because a new partner didn't like it- but I would absolutely respect their right to not be in a relationship with me if it made them uncomfortable. He didn't give you that respect. Even if it really has been all innocent communication, he has still been sneaky and dishonest. I couldn't get past that either. Whether he accepts that he's massively in the wrong or not doesn't even matter.**