Was this sexual abuse? Does this mean my stepfather was a paedophile?

[MoSalahsBeard]

My stepdad did the following:

• repeatedly pulled open my dress
• modelled some new pants he got for me and asked me to model my knickers for him
• stipped down to his pants and asked me to sit astride him and massage him many times
• constantly walked around me naked
• commented on my breasts and butt

He also exhibited hostile behaviour about my teenage relationships:

• my 14 year old boyfriend wanted to have sex with me. I wasn’t sure so went to my mum about it. Her response was I don’t think your stepdad would mind! Stepdad then came home and woke me by punching my bed repeatedly, called me a dirty disgusting cow and that I was never to see my boyfriend again
• he shouted at me and called me disgusting because I asked my 19 year old boyfriend (I was 17) to pick me up some mental pads
• he would criticise my boyfriends
• He shouted at me for hugging my boyfriend hello at the front door

Menstrual pads not mental pads!

I’m so sorry, OP. This is clear sexual abuse.

I hope you can get the support and therapy you might need. x

Oh, it’s not normal that’s for sure. He was awful. Sorry you’ve had this in your life.

How long ago was this?

Do you still live with him?

I think your mother knew about the CSA. I'm so sorry you experienced this. It wasn't right and it wasn't your fault.

Yes it was sexual abuse. My brother abused my sister and me. I didn’t face up to the enormity of what he had done long after I should have because I convinced myself it was teen experimentation. It was not he had done far, far worse to my sister than I was aware. As you found this level of dysfunction is often enabled by other family members, my parent's were the same as your mother. My strong advice to you is to step right back from your family if you have children. These personalities tend to be pervasive and rigid and very dangerous for children.

No I don’t live with him anymore, I moved out. I don’t speak to him or my mum anymore, but I’m in therapy trying to figure it all out.

Yes.

All of that means he is definitely a paedophile and a danger to teenage girls. Even more sadly, so is your mother.

I'm glad you don't see them and can heal from this with counselling.

I think that self preservation that allowed you to do that will stand you in really good stead. It is such a horrible experience and you didn’t deserve it.

Personally and I don’t know if this applies to you but the sexual side is only part of what I experienced. Outside of that there was an underlying unspoken negative energy, a real lack of connection and communication with my parents, insidious dismantling of self esteem and copious, copious amounts of shaming used to control behaviour.

I think people think sexual abuse is such an extreme trauma but I think the other dysfunctional dynamics that allow for the dismantling of boundaries and usually go along with SA do as much harm as the abuse. It is also so difficult to pinpoint because it is a lacking rather than an event that happened.

Oh love (((((hug)))))

I'm so sorry. this was bad and it will be painful and confusing to process

BUT, you will get through this. Glad you have a therapist, that's very positive indeed. We're here for you too.

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, it absolutely was SA

You're completely right in having NC with them too

Yes there was also continuous verbal bullying, physical violence, shouting etc

That is so sad @MoSalahsBeard even that alone requires you to protect yourself from them.

I have had to work hard to process that undercurrent of the feeling of absence and un met needs from childhood. The psychological impact that loss has on young children is immeasurable though while it is actually common, but obviously varies in scale, the sadness and grief often masked by anger can take time to process.

I’m so sorry you went through that @Diddleyeyeeye but so glad you came through it

I'm so sorry but absolutely yes, your SD was/is a Paedophile and your Mother enabled it and turned a blind eye.

I hope your therapy brings you peace and resolution.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and sending love and strength.

oh you poor love. Yes that was sexual abuse and I’m so sorry it happened to you. Similar behaviours to my own stepfather, when I was 11-18.

"I think people think sexual abuse is such an extreme trauma but I think the other dysfunctional dynamics that allow for the dismantling of boundaries and usually go along with SA do as much harm as the abuse. It is also so difficult to pinpoint because it is a lacking rather than an event that happened."

This is an incredibly insightful comment. Growing up with adults who constantly erode and transgress normal boundaries primes a child to accept SA and makes it really difficult to process and unpick the damage. Your stepfather is a monster, OP. I hope you never see him again.

Mumsnet please
Put a trigger warning on this thread

He's a disgusting pervert and he abused you.

Was your mum aware of his behaviour?

Why is it even after my therapist said it’s sexual abuse and you guys have said the same that I still doubt it? Maybe it’s cos my mum dismissed it all. At one point I wasn’t going to a family event because my stepdad was going. My sister didn’t get why I wouldn’t go and I started to explain to her how he made me feel, that he made me feel like I’d been raped (and I know what that feels like, I have been raped!). My mum stepped in and had a go at me. ‘Don’t tell her you feel like you were raped! She scolded me. I felt ashamed and wrong all over again.

Why?! How much clearer could the title be

This. I’m so sorry. 😢 yes.

14!!! your mum sounds as bad to be honest

Sure does sound like a paedo 😩