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Original poster

Should I be upset that he does this

36 replies

3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 10:54

Thank you for reading this x
I’ve been seeing this guy since March. He takes me out on dates, we stay in when I don’t have my kids and he wanted to have to exclusive chat. He says he’s only seeing me and he likes me. When he stays over (when I don’t have my children) on a Saturday night, in the morning he likes to go home and spend Sundays by himself. He can then go quiet for a couple of days. I would like to go out for breakfast or lunch, go for a walk, or the gym together just do something together on a Sunday, but he likes to go home. I don’t push it because I think it’s quite a new relationship and people do need space. I wondered if anyone else has found this, or if anyone else likes their space on a Sunday so can relate to him x Thank you

OP posts:
NosyJosie · 13/05/2024 11:02

I have questions 😬

The dating - so you see him during the week and the sleepovers are only on Saturdays when you don’t have the kids? Assume every second weekend then?

it’s early days as you say so I would suggest you spend the next Saturday at his house? Like why is it only your house? What happens Friday night?

Has he also got kids?

About the time to yourself issue, when I was seeing a guy with kids, we did our own thing Fridays and then I’d clean and get the house straight Saturday and then go to his and return Sunday after noon, do a quick shop for the week and then get my kids. I don’t think there is anything wrong as such with liking your own time but at the point where things become same-same and it’s every weekend then I’d probably question that.

Hardlyworking · 13/05/2024 11:22

I think you need to communicate. He needs his space which is totally fair enough. But you need some adult company on your child free day off which is also very fair.

Talk to him. See if you can reach a compromise. Maybe Sunday mornings together and afternoons separate?

If not, make a decision if you're happy to spend your child free Sundays alone for the foreseeable. If not, you know what to do.

Starlight1979 · 13/05/2024 11:50

Hardlyworking · 13/05/2024 11:22

I think you need to communicate. He needs his space which is totally fair enough. But you need some adult company on your child free day off which is also very fair.

Talk to him. See if you can reach a compromise. Maybe Sunday mornings together and afternoons separate?

If not, make a decision if you're happy to spend your child free Sundays alone for the foreseeable. If not, you know what to do.

"Reach a compromise"??? She's been seeing him for 2 months!!! Sorry but I would feel quite offended by this. It sounds like Saturday nights are the only night you can spend together overnight? Which is fine but I would be absolutely making the most of all night and all of Sunday until your kids come home! He has his "alone time" the other 5-6 days of the week I'm assuming!

You're very early days in the honeymoon stage. He should be wanting to stay in bed with you all day FFS, not go home for "alone time". Also the fact he then goes quiet for a few days wouldn't sit well with me.

This would be an absolute non-starter for me I'm afraid OP.

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 11:51

He doesn’t have kids. And he works long hours and away. He also has to work Saturdays and sometimes Saturday nights. So we see each other sometimes a night in the week if he’s back in time or he’ll not work my Saturday night off so he can see me. I have been to his house and had dinner there and stuff, but he prefers to stay at mine as he is says his is a mess. We can walk to a nice pub from mine and I have the dog and stuff. Friday nights we are both tired from work and I need to clean, washing, shopping et.

OP posts:
SheddingCat · 13/05/2024 11:55

I can relate to your partner. After divorce i was in relationship with someone who wanted to spend every free minute together and i felt suffocated after a while as i like my space, i have housework to do, reading/learning/work or just generally decompressing without anyone around. And i would go a bit quit as i was busy.

It depends what he has going on in his life. If he just goes home and does not much then i’d wonder if he’s after sex and not much else.
Is he a drinker? I’d also be wondering if goes home to have a day of drinking without you around to witness it (this might be completely off the mark but not totally impossible)

He doesn’t seem very invested in this overall, 2 months in is too early to be keen to be away from you.

frozendaisy · 13/05/2024 11:57

Not weird at all

Like you say you like to do washing shopping etc. on a Friday evening so don't see each other. He probably just wants a day at the home he pays for, perhaps see friends, get an early night because he works away a lot.

It's only been a couple of months I think you are expecting a bit too much.

Honestly I wouldn't sweat it OP. You have times you can't meet up, he has times he can't meet up. That's just grown up life. I would enjoy your Sundays with kids, friends, chilled house, get ready for the week.

SheddingCat · 13/05/2024 12:00

He doesn’t have kids? And has no time to tidy up so you can spend equal amount of time at his? Whilst you have kids, dog, job (i presume) but still manage to keep on top of it all?
I don’t like the sound of this. He’s putting way less effort into this.
I just finished with someone similar, his place was in constant mess because of drinking issues. I’d be wary.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2024 13:00

I think his preferences are absolutely fine and up to him. BUT, they're probably not going to change , so you need to decide whether you are happy with what he is clearly telling you is on offer. Often, liking someone isn't enough, you need to be compatible too.
For me, he sounds perfect, a part time relationship is exactly what I want too.

BloodyAdultDC · 13/05/2024 13:26

Have you ever been to his op?

Are you sure he's not got a partner/kids that he has to get back to/can't leave until late on a Saturday?

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 13:39

I have been to his house and I’ve had a general look around and no signs of any other women. I’ve been on a Thursday/Friday and a Saturday and one side of the bed is used, one tooth brush plate/glasses etc. when we are out he introduces me to people he knows etc and I don’t think there is another women. He seems laid back but maybe scares very easily.

OP posts:
Missamyp · 13/05/2024 13:50

I'm not sure about your age range. People with established lives, careers, habits etc can be difficult to date if you like more flexibility. I've had similar issues with DP. You'll have to decide if the fixed nature of his life is for you.

EmpressSoleil · 13/05/2024 13:56

Honestly I'd love to date someone who would just leave in the morning 😂

I can see why if Sundays is really the only time he gets to himself, why he would want that time. However, there's no reason I can see for him to then go quiet for a few days after. That would bother me more.

Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 13:59

Can you not plan other things on a Sunday? I don’t think you can force bum to spend time with you if he wants ti head off and do his own thing. If that doesn’t work for you, end it.

Deargodletitgo · 13/05/2024 14:16

I'm an introvert, I would love some more time to myself although I adore my partner and children

ShrubRose · 13/05/2024 14:33

Not sure about this one. Yes, people need time to themselves, and the amount varies with the individual. But going quiet for a few days is a bit off. And what would happen if you were invited to an event on a Sunday - a birthday party, say - and you wanted him to accompany you?

OmuraWhale · 13/05/2024 14:35

I'd be fine with this OP. But if it's not working for you, tell him.

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 14:39

People I’ve been in a relationship with before have their own lives too, but they tend to want to go for breakfast say on a Sunday, or lunch and a walk etc especially if they know it might be a week/2 weeks before they can see me again. I think it’s early days so I don’t want to force it or make someone rush anything they are not ready for. But I find it very difficult when he goes quiet afterwards, so he might not message for a day or a few days. I try to understand he’s stressed with work etc but I guess everyone has a different pace?

OP posts:
Original poster
3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 14:41

I think if I invited him to a party on a Sunday he would be uncomfortable and would say he had things to do at home so couldn’t make it

OP posts:
ShrubRose · 13/05/2024 14:59

3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 14:41

I think if I invited him to a party on a Sunday he would be uncomfortable and would say he had things to do at home so couldn’t make it

Then as PPs have said, you have to decide if you are happy with this. You could talk to him about it, but my guess would be that this is who he is, for whatever reason(s).

samestyle · 13/05/2024 15:21

Something does seem a little off, the going quiet for a few days and leaving Sunday morning doesn't sound like he's fully into the relationship, it should of still be exciting making plans to go places and can't get enough of each other.

NosyJosie · 13/05/2024 17:52

OP - is there anything exciting about this man? He kind of sounds like a wet blanket and if he wanted exclusivity it’s because it’s convenient for him to have you commit to seeing him when it suits his schedule.

I feel like he has other interests. Cleaning obviously not being one of them.

LightSpeeds · 13/05/2024 18:07

3sausagedogs · 13/05/2024 14:39

People I’ve been in a relationship with before have their own lives too, but they tend to want to go for breakfast say on a Sunday, or lunch and a walk etc especially if they know it might be a week/2 weeks before they can see me again. I think it’s early days so I don’t want to force it or make someone rush anything they are not ready for. But I find it very difficult when he goes quiet afterwards, so he might not message for a day or a few days. I try to understand he’s stressed with work etc but I guess everyone has a different pace?

People prioritise the things they want to do and make the time.

It sounds like his motivation for your relationship is pretty low.

Vonesk · 16/05/2024 00:09

If things are not to your satisfaction, use your ' single' status to ' push back'
Why dont women do this??????
Youre having doubts.
Have you got into s ' routine' and youre now aftaid to change things.
Its Your Body !!!!!!
Your Life!!!!!!!!!
Push back.
Leave Silences. Take Control back.
You dont owe anyone anything!!!!
Even on the way to the church you coukd meet someone else.
Why have Men Got All The Power??????
Take Back Your Power.
Turn OFF your Phone Now!!!!!
In the old days our Mother would answer the phone and say were busy.......

Opentooffers · 16/05/2024 01:18

In order for a relationship to progress and find out if you gel together, you need to experience different situations at some point. So I'd say that be careful not to fall into a routine of your dates only consisting of evening's out and sleepovers. I got into a rut of this once, only when spending the day with him finally occured, did I realise how different he came across in the daytime, more solitary and brooding, less chatty and it was just awkward. Unfortunately had already booked a holiday by then that neither of us had the ball's to back out of. It was a pretty crap holiday and I never saw him again after. He was just not the person I thought he was, admitted he'd suffered bouts of depression and was probably putting a mask on in the evenings, I suppose a drink in his hand was a crutch, but in the cold light of day, he was cold too.
I'd of known better than to attempt a holiday with him had I learnt more about how he was day to day. Quite a dysfunctional relationship when I thought about it. Sometimes people hide who they are by only showing you snippets.
How can you get to know someone by only seeing then evenings and overnight?
I'd lose interest pretty quickly too if ignored for days regularly, it would not fit my communication style at all, kinda shows you are low in priority.

GreyCarpet · 16/05/2024 07:46

I also like to spend Friday evenings and Sundays alone. That doesn't mean I always do but I have a demanding job that takes it out of me in the week and I need that time to recover or prepare.

Some people need more alone time than others and someome they ae compatible with would be ok with this.

2 months is a very short relationship. 8 weeks at most. So there is plenty of time for things to evolve. My partner understands my needs and, although we live together now, i still spend much of my Friday evenings and Sundays alone even though we're in the same house!

But unless he's leaving at 8am, there's probably still time to go put for breakfast or for a walk but maybe in another few weeks?
I'd be more concerned about the radio silence than I would the needing to spend Sundays alone.

He's not rejecting you at those times, he's taking care of himself.

Some people jump all into relationships, wanting to spend all their time together and the rest of their life pales into insignificance. Some people don't like that feeling of 'losing themselves' and like to take a slower approach to integrating lives. There are pros and cons to both.