*TW* sexual violence.

[Zrose]

The father of my children is quite narcissistic has admitted so himself, I’ve suffered emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse.

We have 3 children, 4y, 2y & 10m.
He assaulted me during my first pregnancy, it was recommended I complete the freedom programme, I was attending every session however they were repeatedly cancelled. Then permanently cancelled due to Covid so I was told.

We've been very on and off over the years, my last daughter was conceived by him not pulling out, it’s been a pattern for him to agree to pull out then ask me last minute can he stay in or just not pull out. Right after finding out about my last pregnancy we were put on child protection, I worked very hard to get us off child protection. He doesn’t help me with anything, in fact he thinks I’m spiteful because I put him on child support 3 years after having our first child.

I gave birth to our last child alone (he promised he was coming for hours and turned up 4 mins after I had her, then argued with me in my delivery room. Not loudly but enough to make me cry). My birthday less than 2 weeks after giving birth he came over with fruit (I love fresh fruit) however he made me serve it to him while he kept his headphones in all day and ignored us pretty much, then on the night he went out. The next day he makes sure I see that he went to a restaurant (I assume with another woman).

Every pregnancy bar one when I had an injunction in place so we weren’t actually in contact he has told me he slept with someone else and I need to get checked out. In my last pregnancy he actually gave me the antibiotics telling me to start taking them as he’d caught something & booked me a clinic appointment. On the day I was to attend he said he didn’t have anything & I didn’t need to take the tablets.

since having our last baby all he does is demand sex and his abuse has worsened so much so I had to call the police the other day. When I described some of the things he’s been doing - demanding sex, will have sex with me even if I don’t want to while I lie there and wait for it to be over, not pulling out, asking at the last min if he can leave it in etc. they’ve charged him with rape of someone over the age of 16.

They’ve also referred me to an ISVA service, I just can’t believe this happening. I don’t know how we got to this. There have been many times when I’ve told him to just leave us alone & I’ll raise the children, this is the last thing I wanted. He knows I love him, what happened to the man I thought loved me? How can someone treat the mother of their kids this way?

I know exactly how you got there- he’s a piece of shit and always was

I’m more amazed you still have your DC with you.

You worked so hard to get the dc off the CP register but didn’t do the one thing you needed to do more than anything else.

I’m glad you went to the police. I hope this goes smoothly for you. Please accept any help you are offered to start again well away from him.

How can someone treat the mother of their kids this way?

How can someone claim they love a man who treats them this way? Do you hate yourself? Do you feel worthless?

The question you need to be asking yourself now is how you can do better by your children. It is a miracle they are still with you - it is time to put them first.

I think you need to look into the freedom programme again so you can start putting the needs of your children first.

I also think you need to go to the GP and ask for help with counselling surrounding self esteem issues.

I also think you should move away from this man and stop letting him back into your life.

I'm actually stunned SS haven't taken your children off you.

@AGlinnerOfHope what’s the one thing I needed to do more than anything else?

@Haffiana I’ve battled depression since the age of 15, I’ve been diagnosed now with mixed anxiety depressive disorder so at times yes I can feel worthless.

@StrawberryWater I now have an adult social worker for myself and she has said she is going to refer me again for the freedom programme as “it’s much better this time around” according to her.

whilst I understand a lot of your viewpoints here from what you’ve read even my health visitor has said I’ve been failed, quite a few times. When we were put on child protection everything they’d suggested (applying for Clare’s law, applying for a mental health advocate, trying to move etc) I’d already done and could prove so. The police never actually got back to me regarding Clare’s law which is why there was nothing they could actually say really. Another thing to note was the content of the reports they had initially written about me was untrue. When I challenged them in the conference where this information had come from and who verified it they couldn’t answer. The social worker herself said she didn’t actually think I needed child protection. If I apply and they don’t get back to me that’s down to the safeguarding team. They began to see that I was actually putting the kids first.

I’ve been trying to move away for the past 4 years, believe it or not.

but you’re right about the letting him back in my life part.

He has been abusive for 4 years, what difference would Clare's law make? You need to do better by your children now.

My point is I applied for the Clare’s law before we had children and they didn’t have a response. They said they were ready to share the information then never got back to me.

The one thing you needed to do was leave him, cut him off, block him and not go back to protect you and your children.

It may not be easy but that is the only thing you need to do, to ensure you don't lose your children, plus stop saying you love him how can you love a man who behaves like that?
It is not love. Please redo the Freedom program and co operate with all the organisations such as womens aid and any social workers

With all due respect, you didn't need Clairs law. You needed to put your children first. From all the systematic failures you say you have had, your children are the ones to suffer most. They didn't ask to be born into this mess.
I know I sound harsh, but, it's true.

Do the right thing now, keep well away from him and work to give your children a better life. There are things in place to help you achieve that. Please do the freedom programme. But above else, love your children, more than him. That's your real escape plan

I have been telling him for nearly a year pretty much to delete my details / block, I blocked him on all channels yet still he contacts me. He refuses to leave us alone, his bail conditions state he cannot contact me now.

…

countless messages like this.

There’s not much point blocking him if you’re still seeing him.

Look, no one is downplaying what an abusive, awful man he is. But you have a responsibility to do the right thing by your children and protect them. You have not done that. You MUST start now. They don’t deserve the life they’ve had so far.

Stop telling him what to do. Stop trying to make him do the 'right thing' or be considerate or whatever it is you are craving from this relationship. Start doing what YOU need to do.

The first thing you need to do is not contact him at all for any reason. If you want to be left alone then do not keep contacting him.

…

@IfIHadAHeart I’m not still seeing him, I think you missed the part where I don’t want to see him. This man he traumatised me beyond belief, at times when I’ve ignored him he’s turned up here posting notes through my door, shouting at my windows, throwing rocks at my windows. All reported to the police.

He’s even had his sister from America reach out to me.

I've started having panic attacks & nervous breakdowns from all of this which is why I think they’ve put me on child protection again. I’m currently on antidepressants.

He is a cunt, I never say that word but he is. Keep yourself and your children safe far away from him

Stop engaging
Do not reply to any texts at all.
Arrange child contact thru ss.
He assaulted you in first pregnancy that told you everything.
The text messages you shared show you are engaging and responding. Just stop. Say nothing. Do not respond. Do not explain. Stop texting him.

You say you do not see him but in your original post you stated he was still demanding sex etc.
You are texting him, stop all contact. Block him. Don’t reply if he finds another way. Everything through ss and the courts from now on.
Protect your children.

I’m really determined to move, I’ve recently had to quit work because of childcare but I started a coding course last year tht I’m determined to complete and work my way into the tech industry.

I’m looking at going into a refuge at this point. I can’t take anymore of this stuff, the social worker when we were on child protection last time filled out a proforma that put me in band A with the council however I’m still number 300+ on the list. There is a housing crisis in our city.

I can’t go private as most private housing doesn’t accept housing benefit and wants you to be earning so much before they’ll even consider letting you apply. If I could have upped and moved years ago trust me I would have. It was my plan, it just didn’t go as I’d hoped.

Yes as in he’d say he was coming over to see the children but demand sex from me, in the first screenshot above you’ll see the date is February 23. I’m not texting him and haven’t been texting him.

I think one thing I didn’t understand was the sexual violence part, that term is new to me. I’m still really trying to understand whilst also trying to grasp that it’s happened to me.

It’s hard, while I did expect backlash/judgement as you do get with mumsnetters I’m never not going to speak my truth.

I try my hardest with my children and will keep trying my hardest, it’s me with them everyday trying to do my best. I didn’t grow up with parents so I don’t always get it right. My mother died at 7, my father died at 16. I was raised by family members who treated me like the family maid.

I have alot of work to do not only for myself but for my children, they’re the only thing that keep me going literally.

That’s good. So next time he contacts you, don’t reply, screenshot, then block and call the police. Don’t engage.

Im sorry you had such a rubbish start in life, and well done for putting your kids first now. Don’t let this man hurt you any more.

Hi OP,
Well done for posting on here, & sorry to hear all of this has happened to you.
I hear you.
You want to protect yourself & your kids, but there are so many barriers, right?
You mentioned refuge.
You'd absolutely be eligible.
Your ex is a dangerous bastard.
You would also have support while at a refuge to help you access suitable & safe housing after, you may be able to bid while you're there. Speak to your ISVA.
Wishing you & your kids all the best.