*TW* sexual violence.

[Zrose]

The father of my children is quite narcissistic has admitted so himself, I’ve suffered emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse.

We have 3 children, 4y, 2y & 10m.
He assaulted me during my first pregnancy, it was recommended I complete the freedom programme, I was attending every session however they were repeatedly cancelled. Then permanently cancelled due to Covid so I was told.

We've been very on and off over the years, my last daughter was conceived by him not pulling out, it’s been a pattern for him to agree to pull out then ask me last minute can he stay in or just not pull out. Right after finding out about my last pregnancy we were put on child protection, I worked very hard to get us off child protection. He doesn’t help me with anything, in fact he thinks I’m spiteful because I put him on child support 3 years after having our first child.

I gave birth to our last child alone (he promised he was coming for hours and turned up 4 mins after I had her, then argued with me in my delivery room. Not loudly but enough to make me cry). My birthday less than 2 weeks after giving birth he came over with fruit (I love fresh fruit) however he made me serve it to him while he kept his headphones in all day and ignored us pretty much, then on the night he went out. The next day he makes sure I see that he went to a restaurant (I assume with another woman).

Every pregnancy bar one when I had an injunction in place so we weren’t actually in contact he has told me he slept with someone else and I need to get checked out. In my last pregnancy he actually gave me the antibiotics telling me to start taking them as he’d caught something & booked me a clinic appointment. On the day I was to attend he said he didn’t have anything & I didn’t need to take the tablets.

since having our last baby all he does is demand sex and his abuse has worsened so much so I had to call the police the other day. When I described some of the things he’s been doing - demanding sex, will have sex with me even if I don’t want to while I lie there and wait for it to be over, not pulling out, asking at the last min if he can leave it in etc. they’ve charged him with rape of someone over the age of 16.

They’ve also referred me to an ISVA service, I just can’t believe this happening. I don’t know how we got to this. There have been many times when I’ve told him to just leave us alone & I’ll raise the children, this is the last thing I wanted. He knows I love him, what happened to the man I thought loved me? How can someone treat the mother of their kids this way?

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/

They operate 24/7 & can talk to you about Refuge spaces & availability

Thank you, I’m going to call the ISVA service and call them tomorrow.

the thought of a refuge has always scared me as I consider / have always considered my home my safe space if that makes sense but now it no longer feels like that. Aslong as he knows where I am I know it isn’t that anymore.

You are texting him. Your screenshots show you are. Just block him.

Stop blaming everyone else for your terrible life choices. You have three children who are going to be permanently damaged from being brought up in this chaotic, toxic shitshow.

And sort out some contraception. Stop procreating with this loser and look after the kids you already have, they're the only victims in this.

I actually took the morning after pill to try and prevent my last pregnancy, but you just know so much.

I do look after my kids, I’m the only one who does.

Gotta love mumsnet, it’s the No1 place for judgemental people to come and rip into strangers on the internet.

keyboard warrior central.

If you think I'm a troll then report me.

You've had 3 kids with this arsehole. You clearly keep going back.

🤷

OP this sounds awfully. Kindly - what do you want from this thread? Advice? Just to be clear

Block him on everything. Stop replying to him about anything.

I was posting here to not only vent but to see if anyone had experienced this type of thing as like I said the term “sexual violence” or this type of thing is really new for me.

It’s just really hard for me to wrap my head around the why…? I don’t think I could ever do this to someone if I was a man, but also I do make the mistake of searching for myself in other people. Senseless destruction, trying to destroy someone who hasn’t tried to destroy you. Once again I’m just 🤯

I was grateful for the advice from Forgetmenot Fox.

The police have referred me to women’s aid, in fact they’ve probably been gentler with me than some of the posters on here and that’s saying something.

I’ve been told the social worker is actually trying to keep us together today so for that I’m grateful. If I wasn’t looking after my children and “kept going back” as so many people on here have said then surely they’d just take the kids off me? It’s him who comes back to me, him who lies and says he wants to see his children then pulls this type of stuff. This is my first time being a parent so this is ALL new to me.

Lastly until you’ve lived through this type of thing you have NO idea what it’s like, so yeah the opinions are expected but I moreso focus on the practical advice and people with knowledge about situations like this so I can learn.

@Nchanged89

Done so.

The morning after pill is not a method of contraception.

And I have been in an abusive relationship with a violent man, I made sure not to get pregnant by him.

Maybe stop lashing out at people on the internet and keep your children safe from this man.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly difficult to move on from abusive relationships. Even if you manage it physically, the emotional fall-out is incredibly difficult and painful.

But you are taking those steps, which takes courage. Abuse makes you lose yourself. It’s frightening and exhausting.

It’s commendable that you’re reaching out for help and getting support.

The best thing my therapist said, was that I will never understand why he did what he did. Because I’m not abusive and I simply wouldn’t treat someone like that. It took time to find peace with that and stop ruminating. But I got there in time.

I wish you and your children well. It’s not easy in the slightest, even when you know you’re doing the right thing. But you are doing the right thing. For you and your children. It takes guts.

Hello again OP,
Hope you're doing ok,
Would definitely encourage you to keep posting, keep reaching out & take all the support in real life that you can.
Well done for speaking to the police, I'm glad they referred you to WA,
If you're referred to a refuge remember that it's not forever, you will be supported (& your kids will be too) & that it will give you some time to start to recover & rebuild. You are living with the effects of trauma.
You know what you need to do, but it's scary isn't it. The unknown.
But you will get there.
You are stronger than you think.

Did I say it was a method of contraception or did I mention that I took it try and prevent my last pregnancy?

maybe you should just stop commenting on my post? Since nothing you have to say is helpful? Hmmm?

We get it you are the perfect survivor & you make perfect decisions. The end.

Abuse is very complicated and it will take years to unpack. Dont beat yourself up - it sounds like you're getting the infrastructure in place to support you and guide you. Support and knowledge is everything. Love yourself, be proud of yourself and grow to be stronger for the sake of yourself as well as your beautiful children. It takes strength to do what you have done and will continue to do. Sending love xx

@DustyFire it is the ruminating that gets you! A few weeks ago my mind just started working overtime, I was laying in bed unable to sleep thinking of everything and anything. 4 nights straight I didn’t sleep. That was right before the nervous breakdown, racing thoughts, panic attacks. They’re also new to me! The antidepressants I’m on now are the only ones I’ve taken over these last fews years that haven’t given me side effects I can’t cope with so although it’s been something I’ve been trying to avoid (medication) I’m glad they’re working.

The ISVA advised that although I’ve been waiting years for CBT it wouldn’t be effective anyway for me as I need trauma informed therapy. So I’m looking forward to that.

Part of me writing it here is just to be able to get it all out, the little support I do have in real life I don’t want to push them away by constantly going on about what’s happening. There needs to space for enjoyment, trying to find some moments of happiness whilst trying to get through this.

Maybe someone will read this one day & it can help them.

@ForgetmenotFox They said today that the bail conditions are only until August whilst they investigate so I plan to be out of here before then most definitely. It’s best for us if he doesn’t know where we are, even though he doesn’t live with us he’s not far and knows this area and people around here wayyyy more than I do!

@velveteenedge also if you didn’t have children with the man then our situations are completely different and can’t be compared.

So once again stop.

@KiwiLondoner Thank you x

You're asking for advice but when you don't like the advice you're given, you attack the poster. I'm not sure what you want here.

Your ex is a cunt, a rapist and a cunt. Block him. Don't let him in your house. Get yourself on the pill. And get help for your kids sake.

@Zrose, I have so much empathy for you. What you say is so relateable. Including the ruminating. Honestly, you sound like you’re doing everything you can and I applaud you for that. It’s so hard.

@bobisbored Dear Bored Bob & also anyone else suggesting contraception. I don’t need it, won’t need it as I don’t plan to be seeing or getting into a relationship with ANYONE.

also as I’ve just gotten my medication (the antidepressants right) I don’t want to introduce something hormonal that can then affect that at the moment.

Plus I would go for long acting contraception if I were to get any type of contraception something that couldn’t be seen, detected or sabotaged by an abusive man who enjoys getting me pregnant and then leaving for example the copper coil.

It’s not that I attack people who give advice I don’t like, I attack the rather stupid opinions of people who don’t know what it’s like to walk in my shoes but think they can have something to say. Things that on the whole are unhelpful like you suggesting contraception, LOL do you think I can even think about going near ANYONE sexually with what I’ve been going through? Exactly …

I also think I’m undiagnosed autistic which is why I don’t recognise certain things until later on.

I have spoken to my GP about this and am hoping to be tested so there’s that too.

First and foremost is the children's safety and yours. A refuge might be just the thing needed to get you on the way to a better life.

Make sure you take your meds for your depression.
Also make sure you keep a record of any attempts to contact you and do not engage. If you're feeling that scared and vulnerable I would speak to the police and see if they could install some alarms through victim support.

Lastly, look after yourself and the children.

They and you deserve a happier life. Take care.