Boyfriend of 6 months just dumped me - devastated

[Banana1979]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months , i am 45 he is 43
we had a lovely evening together last night , we did have sex, he was very loving and caring , held my hand ect all night whilst asleep
he left this morning and dumped me my text an hour later

it was only after I called him a coward for doing it by text that he called me he said
said we were incompatible- he smokes , i don’t , i complained last night that he was smoking in my house and asked him
to smoke outside. I also said I was bored as all we ever do is go to each others houses - he has never taken me out as he is not working at present . this irked him as he likes to stay in watch foot ball and films all day
he sounds like a bum I know , and I know I’m being ridiculous getting upset over a 6 month relationship with man who doesn’t work and smokes and watches tv all day, but I feel utterly alone
he said he wants to stay friends
wat hurt me is that he could have ended the relationship last night when he came to my home, but instead he behaved like everything is okay
prior to this relationship I have been single 2 years , before that I was in a 13 year extremely abusive relationship with my daughters dad
I don’t understand why im
upset over this man who I know wasn’t right for me , we used to speak every day all day now I feel utterly alone like a washed up 45 yo single mum with questionable taste in men and I’m beating myself up as to how I’ve allowed a bum to be in my life just because I’m lonely and fall for him at that and I’m thinking I’ll never meet someone decent who will love me. I’m sick of my life and feeling lonley . My DD is 9 and often plays with the kids next door after school as she is lonley
I just feel such a failure

I'm sorry he was such a shit by staying last night having sex and then dumping you this morning that is truly despicable.

I think you recognise all of his failures. You don't need MN reinforcing them

I'd like to gently suggest you work on your self esteem before looking for another relationship. You are worthy you are worth it.

What @MortifiedStill said

And also, it's fine that your daughter plays with the kids next door.... don't feel bad about that! If she had a sibling she'd still more than likely prefer playing with her friends anyway!

He sounds awful and you are definitely not washed up. I am sure you are a wonderful mum with lots of great qualities. I used to play with next door’s kids and I had a brother so that is a positive your daughter can go next door to play and she is social.

You know in a few months you will wonder why you felt so upset. It’s a natural reaction to what you perceive as rejection. But no one needs a lazy bum in their life. Take care of yourself and work on you as you deserve the best.

I had a deliberately casual fling after my long "forever" relationship ended, around that age, and ended the fling myself, but it still felt very flat afterwards. I think you describe very well why you feel so bad even though he's not the one for you, and we can all relate in some form or another.

What a rat- made sure got one last shag then sent a text. It hurts now but the pain will ease.

Sound like a real dick.

move on and upwards. Re-think your dating criteria- non-smoker with a job would benefit a good start.

I agree with a pp - you need to work on your self-esteem, and find out why you are prepared to accept a relationship like this.

You had an escape. Someone up there is looking g out for you.
You can't see this right now but you will I. The future.
Trust me.
Ride this storm.

He a prick. The pain will pass.

He wanted a last shag out of you. He did you a favour tbh, he’s a useless twat and you can do better. And it’s great having kids next door for your dd to play with. I’ve got 3 kids and they don’t play together, only with their own mates

Let me guess, you gave him dinner last night? Did you give him a drink, too? And then you had sex. Then this morning he decides his off.

The rubbish has taken itself out.

I'm not sure why you're worried about your daughter playing with the kids next door. That's always the best part of being a child!

Ah, you poor love. I can completely understand seeing someone for the shit they are, and still missing them. It will pass.

Your self esteem sounds low and this won't have helped. Focus for now on doing nice little things for yourself to show that you are worthy of care and love. It starts with you. It sounds trite but even if it feels fake at first, it does wonders for how you view yourself. Treat yourself as your own best friend. Take 10 minutes to do something you enjoy and really savour what you are doing. Whether it's reading a chapter of a book, painting your nails, buying yourself some supermarket flowers and arranging them nicely, appreciate it.

I always thought affirmations were a bit of new age bollocks, but I tried them and now think that they're a sort of self-brainwashing, that over time do have an effect. After all, right now you are telling yourself nasty things, why not change that and see what happens? It's actually to do with building new neural connections in your brain if you want to look at the science.

My last bad phase, I got a pad of post it notes and every evening I'd write an 'i am, I can, I will and an it's okay to' note and stuck them on my bathroom mirror, so I would read them out loud all the next day
Eg I am a kind person, I can have good boundaries, I will get over this, it's okay to feel sad about being dumped by text.
It feels fake for a few days then starts bedding in.

Please stop worrying about being washed up at 45 because that mindset leaves you vulnerable to lowering your bar to examples like this freeloading cretin.

Spend time bring single getting to understand and strengthen your boundaries and realise being single is far preferable to being with a complete twat.

Goodness, what a lucky escape, you deserve so so much better than that, I hope you come to realise that in time.

He doesn’t deserve your friendship either.

It’s no great loss though really is it? There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re only 45, young enough to work on your esteem and your boundaries - there will be someone else. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter, the love you seek has to come from you first.

If I was you I would be careful not to let him use this to manipulate you into wanting him more than you need him, because you could end up in another abuse relationship, or at least a one that does your self esteem no good.

He has nothing to offer you other than company and sex. You are bored with his company after only 6 months. He left you on a high note after a nice evening and sex. He doesn't respect you by smoking in your house or dumping you by text.

He's now got you in a position where you might want him back and brush all of your concerns aside just to have someone. Don't do that, dig deep and move on.

As for your DD playing with neighbours children, that's good isn't it, she's out playing, socialising and not sat on a computer?

Good Luck

He will be back I’m sure
This is his way to train you to accept what you don’t like such as smoking in your house
he has nothing and he knows you offer him alot
I just know from experience that they do this to get you to lower your boundaries as they know you are lonely
I hope I am wrong though

He’s now asked me to be exclusive to him but not under the banner of a relationship and he will do the same
my self esteem is so crap I actually sent him £20 when he said he ran out of food
I said no to the exclusivity . I am going to block him , i find it hard when things end even when they have nothin to do with a rship I think this may have somethin to do when my dad left home when I was a kid
I used to smell his clothes to remember him
ridiculous I know
I’m ridiculous but I am trying
thanks for all the advice you are all right

This man being a lover is one problem, but the main issue is being lonely. Don't use a man to fill a lonely void or you'll put up with any old crap as in this case.
You need to nurture more friendships, get hobbies, perhaps other mums. Fill your life with worthwhile people, not losers.

"He’s now asked me to be exclusive to him but not under the banner of a relationship and he will do the same "

Haha, the utter cheek!

Have you blocked him?

How does that work exclusive but not in a relationship. He’s crap isn’t it. Yep block him

He sounds like a right loser ! What does he live on if he doesn't work ??

Ah op I'm sorry. We've all been there where a short pointless relationship ends and we feel down and sad about it. In some ways it's worse because we don't even feel entitled to grieve or seek support.

We should be able to skip off muttering bullet dodged under our breath.

It's not about him at all. You're just feeling you'd like a change in your life. You can make changes, even small ones will benefit you. You could do an online dance course or start baking with your daughter. You could make contact with an old friend who always made you laugh. You could take on a house DIY on a budget project. You could set a challenge for the month to walk for an hour every day. Anything that will release endorphins. Your daughter playing next door is nothing to be ashamed of. It's just having fun with other kids.

I must admit I shed a tear for little girl you reading about your dad. This bloody selfish immature men. There is another thread running about a husband who has left his daughter and OP to be with his ow. Why don't they consider the damage they do???

You won't miss this man for long. But seize the opportunity to improve your own life.

Oh OP what a lucky escape you have had.

Think about it, you just stay in, he wants to smoke, he hasn't got enough money to buy food because HIS £20 went on tobacco.

Why don't you ask neighbours to look after daughter, walk to your local beer garden on evening in the sunshine, take a newspaper, book, magazine and just sit there for an hour, with a drink doesn't have to be alcoholic and enjoy bring out, alone maybe, with fun reading material to keep you company and a cool drink someone else has poured and will take the glass away.

Much better use of £20.

So basically he's asking you to be loyal and behave like a committed girlfriend but won't make you feel secure in giving you a relationship and he can't afford £20, best decision to move on from this, you can do better.