We are on a break & he's making no effort to change

[Caw2024]

Going to try keep this as simple and quick as possible

Myself (F 28) and partner (M 29) recently had a baby, she's 15 weeks old now.

Before I fell pregnant me and my partner were very loved up use to have lots of date nights, time together, laughs, and showed alot of affection to eachother.

Threw my pregnancy he started off as great support. But I slowly started to notice he would go to the pub more with the lads as I couldn't really join in with much anymore. We still had our date nights but not as much as usual. Sometimes he would spend his whole wage in the pub when we had planned to buy things for baby that week (cot, pram etc). This caused a few arguments

Anyways fast forward a few months and our baby girl is here, the first few days he was great help l, would help with anything he could. After about a week he just completely stopped helping with night feeds, changing her, bathing her etc.. he pretty much only ever made bottles. He would go out with friends/family and not come back for a few hours when he said he would only be 1 hour. I got the impression he really didn't want to be there with me and our baby.

Anyways fast forward a few more weeks me and him have been on a break because of his behaviour. He told ke he was going to change and go back to the man I fell in love with.. apparently he was going to stop drinking and start the gym, and eat better etc. None of this has happened. He still goes out on the weekend getting drunk with pals and his answer is "well your refusing to see me or spend time with me so what else have I got to do" I've tried telling him he could go to the gym like he promised he would do.. or he could take the daughter that WE made out for the day.. take her to see his family, take her for a walk, there's plenty he could do but I see no change at all

I dont know if I'm being petty and on his cade for nothing or weather I have a right to be abit pssed off with his lack of effort in trying to change and save the relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in answers as I haven't even asked a question I just needed to rant!

In all fairness he does beg me every weekend to do somthing as a family the 3 of us l, but km not ready to be in his company just yet.. but he never offers to take just tye baby out.m it's either me and baby or nothing

I think he’s telling you loud and clear op that he’s not planning to be there for a family. I suggest you text him saying it’s quite clear you aren’t interested in being a dad or a partner so we need to formalise this separation. Does he live with you? I’d focus on child support payments first, he’s a dad whether or not he’s decided he doesn’t want to be after all.

Well basically you set him free and don't want to see him so I am not sure what you expect.

He lives with his mother

I didn't set him free, we are on a break and I've made it clear he needs to change his ways if he wants to continue being a family.. but I'm not seeing much of a change

That seems very one sided

I don't understand why you're refusing to spend time with him. It sounds like cutting your nose off to spite your face. You say there's a lack of effort by him to save the relationship but it sounds like you only want it to be effort on your terms?

OP you are going to have to give a bit here.

You are refusing to see him, it's daunting just being handed a baby you hardly see to look after her alone.

So you won't see him with baby, which to me is odd, baby is what you do for the time being, so he goes out instead of sitting in with his mum and that's not right either.

Something has to give. How about getting out together this afternoon, at least give him aan opportunity to bond with his daughter, these early weeks are really important. If he doesn't bond he will be gone. He will.

Why not suggest a park walk, cuddle in the shade with baby, ice cream and a chat as co-parents not a couple. Baby steps see how it goes.

I agree with @HundredMilesAnHour to be honest.

Give the family days a go where you can talk more and see if it helps. It’s a shame to split up a family just 4 months into your baby’s life.

It doesn’t sound like he will change but worth a go in my opinion to see if spending more time with her will grow the bond.

On a break ..... usually ends up being permanent.

By your own admission he wants to see you with the baby but you want a baby sitter.

You have indeed set him free.

I'm really surprised by the comments on here unless I'm reading the op wrong.

This guy has made a mess of things and what- op is now supposed to fix it.

For me I'd have been livid that he spent his entirely wage in the pub when the baby needed things. He's left absolutely everything to op to sort and manage on her own and hasn't managed to actually step up for longer than one week.

Op has made suggestions of things he could do to show her that he's making an effort and he's not done any of them. Going to the pub instead of taking your child for a walk or doing something to help op is an active choice he's making. Op has he offered or suggested doing things as a family that you've said no to? If he has then yes if you want to move forward you need to be willing to communicate with him but I agree that the thinking needs to be done on his part and he needs to be the one arranging things and showing motivation.

Your the only one that has read it from a womans/mother's point of view, thankyou.

We are on a break because of his behaviour (I'm insure I can be with someone like him)

But he's making no effort to see the baby/take the baby anywhere that doesn't invovle me

One of the things I've suggested to him is to be more there for the baby.. and any time he wants to see the baby it HAS to invovle me which is not what I'm asking for.

If he just made some effort with the baby on his own I might actually look at that and see that he is a good guy/father

Perhaps he is nervous of being alone with this small baby, that he actually hasn't had much to do with over the past few weeks. If you were to go out as a threesome, you could be there but make sure he was there for your daughter doing things with you in the background. He might then be more comfortable with doing things without you , just the two of them.

It all seem a bit hopeless the way you are both carrying on. He has offered to see you and thd bsby but you don't want to and say he must go out with the baby by himself. I don't think he should be expected to do night feeds if he has to be up for work the next day. Your expectations of a perfect life with date nights is more than a little unrealistic.

You want him to live up to your standards of Mr Perfect. Well there aren't that many of them around. He doesn't sound that bad to me. Going off some of the things I read on here.

I notice you use the word 'help'. It's not his job to help with the baby. It's his job to PARENT his child.

Did he also 'help' with the house work? If so then I'm sorry but you already knew where this was going to end up.

You need to phrase it as doing his share of the parenting. This isn't 1940 where its all the womans job. It's HIS job too to change nappies, to do nightfeeds, to make sacrifices for his baby.

So I would take him back under those conditions. That and he can have 1 night out a week. And.so.can.you.

If he takes the piss again, end it perminantly but still make sure he has half the parenting to do (once the kid is only enough to stay with him). He doesn't get to just have the fun parts of being a parent.

I agree with both of your comments and feel it’s a shame to see someone describe you wanting him to spend time with the baby as wanting a “babysitter”. It’s his own child for crying out loud!

You are refusing to see him, it's daunting just being handed a baby you hardly see to look after her alone.

It’s daunting? Nah not good enough, he needs to get comfortable with spending time alone with his baby which he will if he tries it and gets used to it.

Even a short outing at first if that’s what it takes. If I was able to take care of my friends kids for short periods at that age, he should be able to look after his own flesh and blood child!

Let’s stop having these painfully low expectations for men.

And they are a family but op doesn't want family days, she wants him to take the baby off somewhere on his own, what is that, if not a glorified babysitter,

If he's not interested in seeing the baby on his own and being a dad, then I would be pretty disgusted by him.

He's shown you who he is.

No, it's being the child's father.

Wtf?! Yes they're a family, but one member of it has spent multiple weeks worth of wages at the fucking pub rather than provide for his child. How 'daunting' is it to walk around the block with baby in the pram?

Exactly.

@JosiePosey If he was taking the child on his own AND in addition asking to spend more time with both baby and OP that might be a bit different, but it sounds like he’s exclusively asking to only see his child with Op present. There is no good reason for that.

And by your logic is he using OP as a glorified babysitter when she’s the primary carer taking care of the child herself while he isn’t lifting a finger?

Edit to add: he was the one who wasn’t wanting “family days” not with OP and the baby anyway

After about a week he just completely stopped helping with night feeds, changing her, bathing her etc.. he pretty much only ever made bottles. He would go out with friends/family and not come back for a few hours when he said he would only be 1 hour

It’s about time he steps up. Let’s stop making excuse for pathetic men who don’t want to parent.

There are too many insane comments here to quote one. This is the baby’s dad. Since when was dads contact time solely because mum is so selfish and just wants a break?? Have you all told off your single mum friends from expecting dad to see their child ever if she doesn’t go along to do everything for child? Did you say to them ‘you just want him to be a glorified babysitter, you aren’t willing to even SEE him, you just want him to take your baby??’ Or are you saving that for the op?
op, your ex is a loser and you should leave him to his mum and his pub. Take your child and go have a better life. Make sure he pays child maintenance.

Sometimes he would spend his whole wage in the pub when we had planned to buy things for baby that week (cot, pram etc).

You want him to change. I would too. But i don’t think he’s going to. He’s a reluctant dad. Leave him to his binge drinking and get on with your life.

@Hadalifeonce is it more or less daunting taking your baby for a walk than essentially having to single parent a one week old, just curious?

@Viviennemary suggesting that expecting him to pull his weight and do an equal share is not asking for a 'dream man' and its certainly not unreasonable. Yes we read all sorts of awful things on here all the time. That shouldn't mean we need to compromise on our standards. That just creates a race to the bottom. It's like saying you should be grateful he only blows his money on alcohol and leaves all the work and childcare to you because at least he doesn't hit you or cheat. Women deserve better and there's no reason why we should accept less than we deserve.

It's HIS child. One of the reasons for us being on a break was because I felt as if I was a single mother while being in a relationship with my babys father. He wasn't pulling his weight and putting in his share

I've told him he needs to start making more effort with our child if he ever wants our relationship to continue

He seems more concerned about getting me back over his relationship with his daughter