We are on a break & he's making no effort to change

[Caw2024]

Going to try keep this as simple and quick as possible

Myself (F 28) and partner (M 29) recently had a baby, she's 15 weeks old now.

Before I fell pregnant me and my partner were very loved up use to have lots of date nights, time together, laughs, and showed alot of affection to eachother.

Threw my pregnancy he started off as great support. But I slowly started to notice he would go to the pub more with the lads as I couldn't really join in with much anymore. We still had our date nights but not as much as usual. Sometimes he would spend his whole wage in the pub when we had planned to buy things for baby that week (cot, pram etc). This caused a few arguments

Anyways fast forward a few months and our baby girl is here, the first few days he was great help l, would help with anything he could. After about a week he just completely stopped helping with night feeds, changing her, bathing her etc.. he pretty much only ever made bottles. He would go out with friends/family and not come back for a few hours when he said he would only be 1 hour. I got the impression he really didn't want to be there with me and our baby.

Anyways fast forward a few more weeks me and him have been on a break because of his behaviour. He told ke he was going to change and go back to the man I fell in love with.. apparently he was going to stop drinking and start the gym, and eat better etc. None of this has happened. He still goes out on the weekend getting drunk with pals and his answer is "well your refusing to see me or spend time with me so what else have I got to do" I've tried telling him he could go to the gym like he promised he would do.. or he could take the daughter that WE made out for the day.. take her to see his family, take her for a walk, there's plenty he could do but I see no change at all

I dont know if I'm being petty and on his cade for nothing or weather I have a right to be abit pssed off with his lack of effort in trying to change and save the relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in answers as I haven't even asked a question I just needed to rant!

In all fairness he does beg me every weekend to do somthing as a family the 3 of us l, but km not ready to be in his company just yet.. but he never offers to take just tye baby out.m it's either me and baby or nothing

He wants to be a boyfriend, but parenting is up to you, if you can accept that
I wouldnt

How long have you been together?

You probably need to cut your losses. It sounds like he wasn’t really invested in the full-on commitment/fatherhood aspect and this hasn’t changed now that the baby is here. He’s not going to suddenly change into a super father and partner if he’s been acting like this through the pregnancy. It’s shit, but you don’t need to waste time and energy waiting around for something that isn’t going to happen. Is he contributing at all to the baby’s costs? If not, claim maintenance.

You’re 15 weeks into things, this is a really hard time. He sounds immature and unreliable at best BUT to give him the benefit of the doubt he has previously been a good partner and you must have felt he was responsible enough to be a father otherwise why have a baby with him?…

you are angry and you absolutely have every right to be, he’s been basically useless. But if you want your child to have a father and have a relationship you’re probably going to have to help him get there. He sounds like he’s daunted and doesn’t know how to cope with the baby. Yes it’s a bit pathetic but it is what it is - so you either help a little and spend some time as a family and demonstrate how to look after the baby properly or you continue to be at loggerheads and he may or may not improve on his own.

If you can’t bring yourself to do that then formalise the seperation and tell him to go to court for a contact order. There’s no point keep talking about it and “waiting for change”. You either work on the relationship and your family dynamic together or you don’t.

Can't believe some of the posts on here. He sounds like a useless man-child who hasn't stepped up to his responsibilities. Cut him loose and raise your child alone.

I'm shocked at some of the responses!

He has shown that he's immature and selfish. He's leaving all the parenting to you. All the being a responsible adult.

You break things off and he promises to change (so appears to acknowledge he's failing), then doesn't do anything about it. I suspect he's quite enjoying the single, care-free life again, with mum looking after him and nights out with his mates.

And that may be for the best. He doesn't sound like he'll be great father material, not until he's grown up a lot.

It's your call how long you're willing to give to see if he's up to it, however he may well try to opt for the best of both worlds for as long as he can (live with mum / nights out with mates / gets to blame you for the split / keeps making promises so you're there when he decides he wants to come back / gets to play at being a dad when it suits).

I may be being harsh, but you're at break-up point and he isn't willing to put in the effort to show you he's serious about being a dad. What does that tell you?

We have been together 2 years. He contributes to baby costs along as I haven't pssed him off that week.. if I have then I don't get a penny

Get rid of him. You deserve better. You are doing the right thing trying to get him to prove himself xx

Time to get the CMS involved.