DH rolling eyes and talking over me.

[Whatamuckykitchen]

I’ve started counseling and on her advice im trying to be more assertive with DH. Last night we were chatting and he rolled his eyes and cut me off mid sentence. I understand that it’s not the most fascinating line in chat, and he was thinking of our son being out late, but I get really fed up with this, it makes me feel all withdrawn and hurt, like I’m not worth listening to. I said I didn’t like it annd we sunk into silence. Anyway after a few minutes he’s off to bed, telling me to text our son in an hour if he’s not home.
I am So fed up with being told what to do!
I suggested if he wanted our son to be texted, he should do it as I’d be asleep, and also please don’t roll your eyes at me and cut me off mid sentence, I don’t like it and I’ve asked you before.
he got really stroppy and started telling me to F off and stomped to bed and told me to ,.ohh, just f off’ with as much vitriol as he could muster.
usually I get up and make coffee for us both. But I don’t know that I should. What do I do now?

And am I doing the assertive thing wrong?

Why did you start going to counselling?

Stick with your firmness and keep picking up his bad behaviour. You deserve more respect.

Suggest you do whatever you like. Make your own coffee or tea or whatever and go out in the garden if you have one and enjoy the peace and quiet.

He's got used to you being compliant and not asserting yourself. Now he's going to have to get used to the opposite. Buckle up OP and stand a bit of ground.

Ugh no I wouldn't make coffee for someone who last time I saw them told me to eff off.

He sounds mean, sorry.

Started counseling because our child wants a sex change

You’re not doing anything wrong. I wonder how long you’ve been with this man. Has he always behaved like this or only now that you’re putting your views across?
not a nice way to behave towards the person you’re supposed to love. And I’d be telling him that.
Maybe he’s been used to pulling the strings and you’ve always been compliant. You shouldn’t have to put up with being treated like this. And not a got example for your son.
Hope you can continue to become the person you deserve to be and he learns some respect.

your son wants to be a girl?

Well clearly your son can’t have a sex change. mammals cannot have a sex change.

Go out for breakfast alone, stay out for the morning?

Has your DH ever treated you well? Is he a good parent?

Thank you, there’s a lot going on so I guess he’s stressed, but I don’t like being talked over. It’s a tiny thing but it makes me feel that I’m not worth listening to. He says it’s because he’ll forget what he wants to say.

That's a bit of a mammoth drip-feed.

No one, not even you Counsellor can say wethwr you did it right or not as we are only hearing your side.

I think if you have communication problems in a relationship, theyate rarely solved by one just becoming more assertive, in isolation.

Ha!heldina it’s not really. I dont want to enter a massive pile on about trans stuff. (Although I obviously have very strong opinions about children being conned by the pharmaceutical companies. ) obviously putting us under stress.

Thanks itsonlymashadow yes, I’m sure he has a different version of events. what else would you suggest? I’m trying to listen and be patient, we are both negotiating a new world.

Couples counselling selling would be the obvious. But if not, it needs to be about communicating how something makes you feel. But also the timing of it.

I get the sense you were both concerned about the child that was out so probably not the time for a deep and meaningful. But maybe set some side to talk about it together.

It's hard, because we don't know your relationship or you as individuals to say what will definitely work.

Rolling your eyes at anybody shows contempt for what that person is saying.

It’s not a behaviour we should tolerate in adults.

Does he do this to anybody else? Would he roll his eyes at a Work colleague?

Being assertive is about expressing how you feel as clearly as you can. What the other person does with this is up to them.

I would not make coffee, and as soon as I saw him this morning I would say in a neutral tone - listen, I understand you are stressed about DS, but I don’t ever expect to be told to fuck off in my own home, can I just make that clear?

If he apologises then great, take it from there. If he doubles down, I don’t know, maybe go out for the day and try to get some space from him.

I am sorry you are going through this with your DS.

Everything else aside.

Your husband sounds like he is not happy you are (finally) being assertive.

He didn't forget what he wanted to say, he was bored of listening to you, decided to go to bed, left you an instruction to stay up and text son, so basically you worry I am going off to do what I want because I am in charge and when you said text him yourself if you want him to be texted he went nuts because his house elf is faulty.

I would carry on being assertive make a note of his reactions on your phone, as a reference list, if he uses each any every time he forgot what he was going to say, suggest he goes to GP for early onset dementia tests. But we all know he hasn't forgotten has he? He's being a nasty prick, because his house elf is faulty.

I understand you all have a lot going on. But shouting fuck off isn't going to help.

I also if I were you keep each comment to the situation at hand.

And no I wouldn't make him coffee, calmly explain you don't make coffee for people who tell you to fuck off the night before, or say from now on you won't if you have in the past, and never will, will again. Just to make it clear in his head that coffee after that sort of behaviour is no longer an option.

I have a feeling OP this is going to be hard for you. He isn't liking this new assertiveness and never will. I think you will come to a conclusion that you are either with him and a doormat or not with him.

But it might be different just have to see how it goes.

Or you decide you just don't want to be with someone who isn't there to live and support you, listen, chat, laugh, cry together. He sounds like a terrible husband. My H will sit actively listen to me talking about colour wisteria I want to get if I need to. I am sure he couldn't care less about the colour of a potential wisteria but he listens.

Putting in new boundaries will get pushback.

From the other person's point of view, they used to be able to walk over you unchallenged, so the change is a bad thing to them.

If you want to put in the new boundaries, you have to accept it might be rockier until they're established. (There's also a risk some people may fuck off out of your life).

If it's your dd not wanting to become like her df that is telling of his behaviour..
Or is he struggling losing a ds? That's some big shit to be dealing with. No excuse for his behaviour just saying...

Thanks everyone. I did take him coffee and said straight faced as mamette you suggested. I had to explain that I wanted an apology, and grudgingly got one.
the latest thing is I’ve been hoping to have a weekend away,we are both exhausted. last time we talked he didn’t want to go where I suggested, but somewhere else. Today he doesn’t want to go at all, he has to work. When I ask why he has to work weekends so often, he obviously gets stroppy as he’s the main earner etc. he has another brig presentation in early June. These are quarterly work reviews. I anm being anwful, but I think he works too hard? When I say this, he accuses me of being selfish and it’s me that wants a weekend away.
Yes I do, it’s our daughter’s birthday and she won’t be here. I don’t want to be sad.
do I ask son what he’d like to do? He’s 16 so will just shrug. Do I go anyway?
im so jealous of my friends- no one has money particularly, but everyone manages to book the odd stay away.

If he has been doing yhis unchallenged for a while it going to take some time for both of u to break the habit. He probably doesn't like being challenged. Ask him.to write things down on a pad to avoid forgetting things- will help.with interruptions

Just realised, we couldn’t go away just after Xmas as we had to visit his parents. He was too tired to do the drive so cancelled. I’m wondering if every holiday is the same. I think I’m not firm enough.
Perviously he won’t want to do what I do, so I’ll look for what he does want to do, as he’s the main earner. Then he won’t want to go to the hotel or whatever I’ve found and at the last minute he will find something, (I hope.)
I find it stressful and I lose motivation. Now summer is looming and we have nothing planned so nothing to look forward to, which I think helps with the stress of work.
sorry can’t sleep, rant!

Thanks bcbird good idea.