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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me to have some self respect

49 replies

cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 17:37

The man I'm seeing is very clearly off out on a date tonight.

I know he is. Yet I am doubting myself. Or rather, looking to prove to myself that I've got it wrong. I know I'm doing it and I know he's meeting someone.

I had a traumatic childhood and abusive marriage with subsequent mental health issues but I can't seem to learn. I should know better. I hate myself for being so weak.

Please talk some sense into me.

OP posts:
Dollenganger333 · 11/05/2024 17:38

How do you know he's on a date with someone?

Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 17:41

He never chats to anyone on WhatsApp but has been on it all week.

He has a rare weekend off and is avoiding meeting up.

He was gutted to miss the aurora yet says he will try to watch them tonight if he's not asleep.

Other things but that's the gist.

OP posts:
Dollenganger333 · 11/05/2024 18:11

Hmm you can't know from WhatsApp. Some people join work WhatsApp groups which means they appear to be online a lot.

Is it the case that you'd normally see him today? How long have you been together?

Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 18:25

Trust me, I know he's with someone else.

I'm asking for support with dealing with it and being stronger. I'm not coping with how pathetic I am

OP posts:
mummybearah · 11/05/2024 18:26

What do you actually want to do? Ignore it and continue seeing him?

Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 18:28

Stop seeing him

OP posts:
Lilmaubetden · 11/05/2024 18:31

How long have you been together?

Lilmaubetden · 11/05/2024 18:37

I’d view it like the gym. Short term pain for long term gain.

Then I’d ruin his date by texting him that I don’t view this going anywhere and he can collect any things from my home (assuming he had anything at yours).

Then I would delete his number and social media contacts to minimise temptation to call him. If he calls block and delete.

The id order myself something really lovely, like a treat dinner and pop on a movie. Call on a friend for support, or chat here to distract yourself.

A nice man won’t treat you in a way that makes you feel like this. But you have to give people who aren’t your usual taste a chance.

BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 18:39

If you want to stop seeing him send a message.

This isn't working out for me. It is over.

category12 · 11/05/2024 18:52

BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 18:39

If you want to stop seeing him send a message.

This isn't working out for me. It is over.

Yes, this.

I think you need to pretend to be strong, maybe think of a woman who seems like she takes no shit from anyone, and channel that energy to dump him. Fake it until you make it.

You want to stop seeing him, so just tell him - text is absolutely fine, gives you control, you can just block him afterwards, you don't have to listen to any argument.

Greywitch2 · 11/05/2024 18:53

Agree with those saying that you need to take back the power to reclaim your self respect.

If you genuinely believe that he is seeing someone else then have the guts to text him to say that you are not interested in continuing the relationship. I agree that 'this isn't working for me, best wishes,' or something bland and cheery is the best way to go.

No need for accusations, drama or excuses. Just call it a day. And you will genuinely feel better and stronger for having done so, rather than letting someone walk all over you.

Skybluepinky · 11/05/2024 19:02

Just bin and move on, plenty of other people for u to choose from.

Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 19:06

Thanks all. Some good advice. Will keep checking in tonight. He's probably on his date now. Been seeing each other for about 8 months. Just so disrespectful, keeping his options open. Also must think I'm a complete idiot not to know. Disappointing!

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 19:07

Greywitch2 · 11/05/2024 18:53

Agree with those saying that you need to take back the power to reclaim your self respect.

If you genuinely believe that he is seeing someone else then have the guts to text him to say that you are not interested in continuing the relationship. I agree that 'this isn't working for me, best wishes,' or something bland and cheery is the best way to go.

No need for accusations, drama or excuses. Just call it a day. And you will genuinely feel better and stronger for having done so, rather than letting someone walk all over you.

Thank you, that's what I need to hear. No drama, head held high.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 19:09

Lilmaubetden · 11/05/2024 18:37

I’d view it like the gym. Short term pain for long term gain.

Then I’d ruin his date by texting him that I don’t view this going anywhere and he can collect any things from my home (assuming he had anything at yours).

Then I would delete his number and social media contacts to minimise temptation to call him. If he calls block and delete.

The id order myself something really lovely, like a treat dinner and pop on a movie. Call on a friend for support, or chat here to distract yourself.

A nice man won’t treat you in a way that makes you feel like this. But you have to give people who aren’t your usual taste a chance.

You're right. It's not a way to behave. Not nice. I need to have higher standards.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 19:10

But you do know. You're not an idiot. You're only an idiot if you stay.

Be your own best friend. Get rid.

Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 19:13

BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 19:10

But you do know. You're not an idiot. You're only an idiot if you stay.

Be your own best friend. Get rid.

Thank you! Going to keep saying that to myself.

Cheeky user. He had the cheek to tell me last week how a girl he was seeing said she was busy and then it turned out she was out with someone else. The double standards eh!

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 19:16

So you did know he wasn't just dating you, openly? And you didn't dump him last week? (Confused)

ManchesterLu · 11/05/2024 19:22

cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 17:41

He never chats to anyone on WhatsApp but has been on it all week.

He has a rare weekend off and is avoiding meeting up.

He was gutted to miss the aurora yet says he will try to watch them tonight if he's not asleep.

Other things but that's the gist.

I haven't read any more, but once you're checking all the time to see if they're online, the trust isn't there, so there's no point carrying on.

Frith2013 · 11/05/2024 19:23

Eight months? I thought perhaps you had been seeing each other for a few weeks.

Oh, get rid of him.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 11/05/2024 19:41

Have you told him yet?!?

Come on girl, you got this

Original poster
cantgetabus · 11/05/2024 19:55

BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 19:16

So you did know he wasn't just dating you, openly? And you didn't dump him last week? (Confused)

Edited

That was something he told me that happened to him years ago. I didn't know we were openly dating!

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 11/05/2024 19:58

What did you think you and he were doing?

AnnieSF · 11/05/2024 19:58

Cheeky user. He had the cheek to tell me last week how a girl he was seeing said she was busy and then it turned out she was out with someone else.

AnnieSF · 11/05/2024 19:59

AnnieSF · 11/05/2024 19:58

Cheeky user. He had the cheek to tell me last week how a girl he was seeing said she was busy and then it turned out she was out with someone else.

Ooops I meant to add - what does this even mean ? You knew he was dating other people?

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