Sick of this vicious circle (crushes and wanting to take things further...)

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Been here for years, also posted several times. Usually similar topic. I'm a middle age woman, in a long term relationship 10+ years. My relationship is maybe not perfect but DH is my rock and provides stability, and several other things that are crucial for me.

Over the years I've had situations when attractive men would flirt with me, I'd be flattered , they'd want to take things further, I'd initially fight with myself as it's against my principles to then give in as too much has happened inside of my head. I mean attraction to other people would be acceptable, flirting as well but the fact that I don't want to stop there, is just wrong and horrible.

After my last "crush" I told myself never again. Enough is enough, I didn't want to be leading this kind of life. I promised myself not to be weak and stupid ever again. Plus these "crushes" always cost me emotionally. They are all consuming and last a long time in my head. Wasted time and energy.

And then boom. There we are again, this time the guy started with flirting, then quickly crossed the line of being fully inappropriate. Unfortunately I allowed myself to get carried away yet again. I mean fantasising, overthinking, creating scenarios... Nothing happened as he's now backtracked - GOOD!!! But, bloody hell, he's in my head all the time. I feel like having sex with him would release the tension in me. Then I'd suffer even more. Thing is, I just don't want to have this kind of life anymore. I don't want this headache and damaging emotions, this inner drama.

I need to work on myself 100%. Unfortunately can't afford therapy. Yes, I know I am a stupid and disgusting bitch. Some of you will call me that and worse. There's nothing you can say that I don't know already. However I'm hoping some of you can provide constructive feedback and advice on where to start. At 40+ I thought I'd be more emotionally intelligent, strong and appreciate good things in my life. I'm not a victim, I just feel lost and need to get some control as I'm all over the place ATM.

Please help me 😟

By crushes you mean...affairs.

OK so...logically...some people are just not cut out for monogamous relationships.

Now I was going to say that it doesn't sound like you're deliberately seeking these things out...but, how many crushes are we talking here? Cause I'm just thinking...I can only think of maybe 2 proper all consuming crushes I've had in the last decade.

Which makes me wonder if there's something going on with you like a tendency towards limmerance. Perhaps linked to childhood neglect/lonliness/abuse that hadn't been worked through. Or undiagnosed autism (these people as fixations) or even adhd or bipolar disorder (poor impulse control).

Are you prone to daydreaming and fantasies about being with celebs too? Do you ever form them with totally odd people who aren't even your type? Just as again these things may point towards limerant tendencies.

Either way I think you need to end the marriage op. It's not ok to be dragging this man along whilst you shag about. There's not an excuse for it. But if it is to do with obsessive crushes then therapy to help you understand might be useful in helping you break the cycle. A divorce might provide the money you need to pursue it.

Tell your husband.

Get counselling.

If you can’t afford counselling suggest self help books and tough-talking, trustworthy friend(s)!

this is assuming you love and otherwise have a good relationship with your partner.

It’s not clear from your post whether these ‘crushes’ are in fact affairs.

In a way it doesn't matter. Women posting about similar behaviour from their partner are usually told that the trust has gone, it doesn't matter whether it's a full blown affair or not, and she should leave.

Hmm, can you afford divorce? Tends to be more expensive than therapy.

I would really look at your finances and see if you can't make some room in the budget for it.

Perhaps think about whether there something possibly traumatic or neglectful in your past that means your boundaries with men are weak and you seek validation through sex? Or is it an impulse control thing?

You are not stupid or disgusting@CaramelMacchiatto
If you have a strong sex drive the cravings can be overwhelming.
I have no advice but I'm relieved that I'm older and my sex drive dropped off a cliff after menopause, what a relief!!

We're talking 3 in last 10 years. I wouldn't call them affairs, even though sex did happen with 2, but it was "only" 2-3 times. Then afterwards the "crush" continued in my head for months. Time wasted. It's not everyone I am attracted to. I've rejected a lot of people. The problem is when an attractive (to me) guy is also cheeky and pursuing me.

And I have absolutely no attraction to celebrities or fantasizing about them.

I am aware my issue is strongly related to my childhood. Alcoholic abusive father, a super stressed mother trying to hold it together. No sense of love or security for as long as I remember. I'm not trying to excuse myself here, just stating facts.

How do you feel about your husband? It sounds like he offers you stability, but you haven't said you love him or fancy him.

If it's not the right relationship for you, really you should bite the bullet and forfeit the things he does offer you in order to give him and you a chance of happiness elsewhere.

After all, your luck continuing to get away with cheating will eventually run out and that will take the decision out of your hands.

Of course 'wherever you go, there you are' so if it's a pattern of behaviour that you've always had, splitting up won't solve anything for you.

I would class those as affairs, OP. I think that something that includes sex goes far beyond a ‘crush’.

I can honestly say it's not even sex I enjoy with my "crushes", it's more being chased, noticed, feeling sexy, butterflies and excitement.

I do love my husband. He's the most attractive guy out there for me and I tell him frequently. I find him extremely sexy however I don't get the same back. It frustrates me that I get this attention elsewhere. I know, we've been together a long time , the excitement of the newness is long gone and has now been replaced with stability but I do miss the passion and being seen as a woman.

I even enjoy sex with him a lot (even though I really wish it was more passionate) as I like the fact we know each other's bodies and what we like in bed.

Despite the fact we might separate at some point, as I'm aware we're probably not very compatible, I still think it's my problem and I want to fix it.

I also tell him frequently what I'm missing but in return I get he's 100% happy...

If he's not interested in bringing the passion even though you've told him over and over you're going wanting then maybe it's time to call it a day anyway. Wouldn't be surprised if he's stepping out too tbh.

It doesn't excuse cheating on him but it's a good enough reason to call it a day.

I think you need to redefine your definition of a ‘crush’ OP.

You are minimising your multiple affairs big time here!

You’re attempting to minimise and justify the fact that you cheated. You should tell your husband. You’ll either then be able to sort your relationship out or you’ll be single and can fuck around.

Does your husband know you've cheated on him twice?

Poor man.

Tbh set the husband free because he deserves better, and work on your self esteem as a single woman. It's a bit pathetic being in your 40's and being this dependent on male attention to make you feel good about yourself.

OP crushes can be very like the experience of taking any kind of addictive drug or substance. They create a powerful high which is as powerfully addictive as it is escapist.
The drug/high/crush keeps you in a blanketed state so you don't have to unpack fear, distress, harm of childhood damage to your health adult development.

This is very common. Don't feel that you are a terrible person.

You can overcome this pattern without help but the first step is stopping the behavior. Maybe start with a period of time and being proud of that. One step at a time. You could try a 12 step program if you can find on that is for compulsive behaviors?

If you stop you could try replacing these relationships with real friendships. And start feeling the discomfort of the emotions that are being pushed down.

You are not alone and real happiness cannot start for you until this behavior stops.

Good luck to you op

You have low self esteem OP. That’s the absolute root of this in my opinion. A man “flatters” you and because your self esteem is so low, it means way much more to you than it should.

My best advice? Get obsessed with yourself instead of other people. Go to the gym, get into running, get into weight lifting, get a six pack, climb a mountain, run a marathon, jump out of a plane, get a degree in law, get really good at things, like REALLY good. And the more you start loving yourself, the less people can “flatter” you, because you are already so impressed with yourself.

Can totally relate to the damage done from childhood, you and i, and many others gave grown up in the same situation.

Good advice Op, and something I think others could gain from, including myself.

you could always think about an open relationship, if not with DH, with someone else. That way you can crush whenever you like

either way your dh is owed the truth

You are not a stupid and disgusting bitch at all. Have you by any chance got a sex addiction and don't realise it. You also talk about fantasy which can go hand in hand with sex addiction. You don't need to be having loads of sex to have a sex addiction. It can be all in your head. You say you can't afford therapy, so I would try googling sex addiction and fantasist and try and avoid all the shite online in favour of something more professional. Don't do self-loathing. If you can understand what the problem is, you can understand better what to do about it and love yourself regardless. Good luck.

Thank you for the replies, all. No, I don't think I'm addicted to sex. Like I said before, I'm enjoying the chasing, being noticed and wanted, than the sex itself. Plus I much prefer sex with my husband, who knows my body and needs better than anyone else ...

Yes, your posts made me realise I do have a low self esteem. I need validation from other people, sadly. The whole thing is a bit more complex than this though as my needs for being seen as a woman, are not met by my H.

I do keep myself busy, I have hobbies. And like I said, I am NOT looking for affairs. I love it best the feeling of "freedom" when no one else occupies my headspace.

Someone mentioned addiction. Yes, I realise I am addicted to this feeling of butterflies. I have a nice life, hobbies, good friends , relationship. Plenty to be grateful for and happy with. I just want to stop this from happening again. Like I said before, after the last guy, I promised myself to not ever be in this situation ever again. That was two years ago and then suddenly this, again...

I'll look into working on loving myself and improving my self esteem. If any of you can recommend suitable books or other things that are worth looking at, I'd be very grateful.

Thank you to those who didn't feel the need to give me a bashing but focused on the help I'm after.

Yeah she is a bit though and she needs to own that, she's cheated on her husband twice to fuel her ego. She needs to acknowledge that and yes, feel bad about it. Pretty sure if she was a man posting about having the sads because he's been shagging around behind his wife's back for attention she'd be being called much worse names than stupid and disgusting on here.

I think Father Time should sort out all your problems.

Not sure what to suggest for your husband though.