Sick of this vicious circle (crushes and wanting to take things further...)

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Been here for years, also posted several times. Usually similar topic. I'm a middle age woman, in a long term relationship 10+ years. My relationship is maybe not perfect but DH is my rock and provides stability, and several other things that are crucial for me.

Over the years I've had situations when attractive men would flirt with me, I'd be flattered , they'd want to take things further, I'd initially fight with myself as it's against my principles to then give in as too much has happened inside of my head. I mean attraction to other people would be acceptable, flirting as well but the fact that I don't want to stop there, is just wrong and horrible.

After my last "crush" I told myself never again. Enough is enough, I didn't want to be leading this kind of life. I promised myself not to be weak and stupid ever again. Plus these "crushes" always cost me emotionally. They are all consuming and last a long time in my head. Wasted time and energy.

And then boom. There we are again, this time the guy started with flirting, then quickly crossed the line of being fully inappropriate. Unfortunately I allowed myself to get carried away yet again. I mean fantasising, overthinking, creating scenarios... Nothing happened as he's now backtracked - GOOD!!! But, bloody hell, he's in my head all the time. I feel like having sex with him would release the tension in me. Then I'd suffer even more. Thing is, I just don't want to have this kind of life anymore. I don't want this headache and damaging emotions, this inner drama.

I need to work on myself 100%. Unfortunately can't afford therapy. Yes, I know I am a stupid and disgusting bitch. Some of you will call me that and worse. There's nothing you can say that I don't know already. However I'm hoping some of you can provide constructive feedback and advice on where to start. At 40+ I thought I'd be more emotionally intelligent, strong and appreciate good things in my life. I'm not a victim, I just feel lost and need to get some control as I'm all over the place ATM.

Please help me 😟

Yes I get it. There seems to be a disconnect somewhere re her relationship with DH and shagging around / making up scenarios in her head - which is why I thought it might be more of a condition than behaving badly and selfishly. She should own it if she can.

I wonder, did you fancy these men before they gave you attention, or do you end up fancying them because of the attention?
How long had you been with your DH when you first cheated? Did your DH start off giving attention that stopped, or has it never been his way, or does it somehow not count anyway if it comes from him?. I think I had a phase in my youth of responding to attention, rather than considering first if I fancied them. That leads to you wondering what you ever saw in them, but that's just it, you weren't really seeing them, just lapping up attention because self esteem is low. Can't say it lead to limerance and I've got more discerning with age.

I love MN but this thread is showing double standards. If OP were male and periodically sleeping with other people, very few people would be finding excuses for it and saying it’s down to low self esteem.

@CaramelMacchiatto - you’re deliberately minimising what you’ve done. You’ve cheated on your husband a few times with a couple of different men - this is something way beyond a crush. It shows that you are not overly concerned about being faithful to your husband. Don’t hang it on low self esteem. Don’t make excuses for yourself. It’s bad behaviour.

DH and I have had a period of being in an open relationship so it’s not that I think monogamy is the only way. But you haven’t had any of the hard and honest conversations with your husband that would come with opening up your relationship. And as for the passion you’re craving - remember that much of that was about novelty, about the illicit nature of your encounters, about the need to seize the moment. You surely know that several years in, the intensity of sex with these affair partners would likely wane in the same way it has with your husband.

If you want to stop this behaviour, then therapy could be very helpful. But own the behaviour for what it is - it’s cheating and it’s having affairs.

Shagging two other people is not a”crush”. It’s shitting on your husband and having affairs. What I find interesting from your posts op, is that they are literally all about you. You do not mention one single word about the enormous hurt and devastation this will cause to your husband when he finds out, about how your behaviour will affect him. Affairs are always carried out by selfish people and you are clearly, extremely selfish. If you have low self esteem, get therapy, because shagging random blokes might make you feel good in the moment but will actually fix nothing. Oh and tell your husband, he deserves honesty and the right to know who he is actually married to.

I sympathise as I have had extreme crushes since a child. It went on well into my 40s. My partner found out about one of them and it ruined our relationship (which wasn’t that good anyway). We are still together but things are dead really now. I didn’t physically cheat but I was obsessed and flirting and all consumed in my head and fantasies. I don’t have much advice but now I am 50 and a bit over weight men don’t give me the triggering attention anymore so I haven’t had one in quite a while. I agree with the self esteem advice as my stems from childhood. I actually think being less attractive to men has really helped my self esteem as I have now realised people like me even when they aren’t interested in sleeping with me, which is a better feeling in fact.

Op I recommend you research the effects of infidelity on victims. Not just friends by Shirley glass and how to help my spouse heal from my affair are good starting points. Then ‘cheating in a nutshell’ by Mitchell. That book details the feelings your husband will feel about you when he finds out. Disgust is one of them. He will never see you the same again.

I think you should also question why you feel unmet needs is justification to choose to lose your self respect, integrity and honesty. It’s just an excuse surely?

I choose to be faithful FOR ME. Nothing my husband does or doesn’t do could lead to me choosing to lie and sneak around behind his back. My integrity is important to me. So I am faithful for me! I’m not faithful FOR my husband. I am the only person I will spend the rest of my life with. My honesty and integrity are important to me - I want to like who I am - my husband is my collateral damage.

Also your husbands ‘need’ for a reliable and honest wife hasn’t been met, should he shag someone to meet his need? My postman is very reliable (post always on time) and honest (never steals my parcels). But I’m not sure how shagging him will meet that need? I think unmet needs is nonsense - it’s an excuse so cheaters can justify their poor choices. If your need isn’t met - divorce, counselling or just put up and shut up.

You say your situation is more complex - er no it’s not. You are a common garden cheater.You choose to cheat and you minimise the effect it will have on your spouse! You call it a crush. You make it sound cute and harmless to justify your Choices. But really you like the external validation of having smoke blown up your butt by a man who wants to get his leg over. And to that man your flirty behaviour makes it seem like you are prepared to overstep your marriage.

It sounds like you require external validation to fill a hole? Why? Cheating surely makes you feel crap, thus the hole gets bigger? You open your door to flirting because you enjoy the ego kibbles it provides. You minimise your behaviour with the language you use. These are not crushes, you are risking your husband getting an std and a type of PTSD plus you are not allowing him informed consent.

Others won’t agree but I think you need to give him his ability to consent back and tell your husband. He deserves to know who he is really married to. If you said ‘I don’t want to hurt him’ then consider it’s the actions you have done (cheating) that hurts him, finding out is only giving him the ability to consent to being married to the true you. (A bit like if a friend steals your grandmas wedding ring from you but you don’t notice for 5 years - did not knowing make the theft acceptable?). Cheaters really don’t want their spouse to find out as then they would lose control of the situation and the 80% they love about their life.

Cheating isnt anything to do with the victim - it’s all down to the cheater. The victim is just collateral damage to the cheaters poor character traits and choices.

This is absolutely excellent advice 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

I am a cheater, I'm not trying to minimise that at all. By crushes, I meant after I stop seeing the bloke, this obsession stays with me for months. It takes me a long time to recover from it. Promising myself I will never allow for it to happen again and affect me, didn't quite work, therefore my post.

Do I fancy those guys before they give me attention? Yes, I only flirt back with those who I find attractive. I would never start anything by myself, I respond to it "only". And I never respond to those whom I don't fancy.

The first few years with my DH I was absolutely besotted with him. I couldn't believe my luck such a good looking and intelligent man chose me. I wouldn't even look twice at anyone else. And yes, if course at the beginning DH was more attentive, more into me, then it fizzled out with the years which, I'm sure it's a normal thing in a long term relationship. However, call me needy and vain, apart from being a house mate and a person to go for walks with, I also need to feel like a woman to the person I share my life with. I've tried several times to have this conversation with DH. I even told him about the attention I'm getting elsewhere, how frustrating it is for me. I just need to feel he's still seeing me. These conversations are not going far and if anything changes, it's only for a short period of time.

So coming back to cheating, first time happened around 4-5 years ago. I really feel like if I was feeling attractive to DH, I wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere. NO I am NOT blaming him and justify myself. I am totally a bitch here but I don't think I'm a nasty person, just need to work on myself to change this in my head. I'm sick of this and of myself for behaving that way. I find it absolutely disgusting... I am weak and stupid but want, need to work on it.

One of you mentioned being faithful and have integrity for MYSELF. 100%!!! That's what I'm aiming for.

And yes, of course cheating does make me feel crap afterwards. Like I said before, it's more the chase and feeling of being seen as a woman that does it. But hey, once the butterflies are here, it's hard to stop. It's not worth it, absolutely not. That's why now I've found myself in this situation, I'm asking for advice. I really hope it's not too late for me.

I'm looking into hypnotherapy as it's worked for me in the past .

Someone mentioned making myself less attractive 😄 Well, don't think I'd feel good about myself. I do look after myself, exercise, keep fit but this is purely for myself. I'm not even that attractive, I consider myself quite average looking but I like to dress well and that seems to be noticed. And the guys are always younger than me and cute.

On the other hand, my husband is a few years older than me but very fit however he acts old at times .That's quite off putting.

It's not your husband's fault you're cheating! But you're definitely drip feeding now to get the responses you want.

Nothing justifies cheating, nothing. If you want to pursue others then let your husband know, so he can find someone that respects and loves him.

I totally agree with you.

When men cheat does anyone think, ‘I wonder if he has a sex addiction’ wtf.

You need to leave your husband OP. It’s not fair on him and you sound a mess like you don’t know what it is that you want

Meh, I don't really care about so-called "double standards" on MN. There's a million websites that are male-centred and in real life the double standards go the other way, boys will be boys, men need sex etc, while women's sexual behaviour is policed/stigmatised far more in society, even now. So yeah, I'll be sympathetic to a woman where I wouldn't be to a man.

The thing is though op, you know your marriage is dead right? And instead of leaving and embracing the butterflies... you're thinking to...stamp them out? Fuck that!

You're a person with needs. That doesn't excuse cheating but if your husband has shown you that he can't treat you that way, ffs leave and pursue your needs elsewhere.

You need to find the bravery to end the marriage.

I have ever respect for people who want to feel ALIVE. None for people who do it in secret in ways that would hurt their partner though. Or who choose to stamp out those feelings and die inside rather than find some balls and do what needs done. Get single, like yesterday.

The thing is maybe OP's partner also has unmet needs?

No one has a perfect relationship. Expecting a partner to be perpetually imitating courtship style enthusiasm for you seems unrealistic to me. Love can change and mature surely? Expecting to be adored like a teenage girl seems odd over 25/30 to me but - each to their own.

My experience is a stable relationship can suddenly become much more attractive when it's gone and reality hits.

Courtship is only a stage in what I see around me.

But maybe there are people who expect to constantly 'meet each other's needs' for ever - but I tend to think emotionally we should meet our own needs and then come to our relationship ready to be mutually generous, rather than being generous only if conditions are met.