Divorce, children and new partner

[aggies87]

Hello Ladies,

I hope you are all well and I appreciate any help and advice from you.

I will start from the beginning. I have been married for 16 years and I have two children with my husband. 14 and 5 year old girls.

My marriage has been abusive financially and emotionally and its been a true nightmare.

Since around 3 years there is not relationship between my husband and myself and I finally made a step and applied for divorce.

My soon ex husband to be is making our housing situation difficult and is not willing to move out, perhaps he wants to take over our rented flat when contract ends in October or he mentioned he may extend for another year. He is doing it as it works for him and is using me as he pleases. He works long hours and earns a lot of money and I work part time and look after the children. He comes home as he pleases sometimes is away for 5 nights in a week as he stays at the hotel where he works. He wants to continue like this without having responsibility and using me until he is ready to move out and buy a house. This situation and being at his mercy makes me extremely vulnerable and depressed as I am not in a position to move out on my own or else Ill be homeless.

Due to loneliness I am empiercing I met a man couple of months ago via online dating site and we fell in love. At first it was online relationship but we managed to meet few times. I feel like he is the love of my life.

I decided to speak to my family about him and I started to consider making a drastic move and leave current accomodation and move away with new partner. Ill be living there on my own with him visiting over the weekend.

The problem is that my older daughter who is 14 found out that I am in contact with a stranger male and told her father about it. She says she prefers to live with me however if I decide to move away from the area and perhaps having a new man in my life she wont come with me.

We are having argumens everyday and its very difficult time however I feel like I need to fight for my life as I am dying inside and I cannot waiste more years of my life and its not really about ne man in my life but about moving away and taking things in my own hands instead of waiting for my ex to decide and do as he pleases.

My mental health reached the bottom and I feel like I need to do something drastic.

I feel guilty to leave my daughter if she chooses to stay with her father but this is my life that is at stake now this is how I feel inside. My daughter judges me and she says he hates me and she doesnt care what her dad is doing despite of her behaviour but she is very concerned what I am doing but has no empathy when I told her I want to be happy as I suffered enough.

I would like to take mt 5 year old daughter with me and move away 1 hours away from current place.

I would like to know your opinion please. Obviously there is so much more drama and hurt and suffering but I need to break the cycle.

I would really appreciate your support and advice. I am just a mother who gave up my life to my children but is incredibly unhappy and trying to save my own life.

Thank you.

Kind regards,

Aggie

That is tough. Is she not accepting that you are with someone else and not her dad?

I know most on here will say do not entertain moving, kids come first etc, and they do BUT your own happiness is important too. Now, I move fast - last GF came away with me and kids after 5 weeks of dating, and I have no regrets over that at all - it worked (mine were ok with it and teens) - most would not do that, but moving away to be closer to him after 2 months and a few meets is too soon. Yes, its easy to be blinded by love, but you have to give it more time with him dating and spending overnights etc... before moving

If you are in a financial position to move out of the area to be with your online chap, why can’t you just move out of the family home and stay in the area?

Your children will have enough upheaval with the divorce, expecting them to leave the area they know for someone you barely know seems rather unfair.

I will not say too much about how silly it is to jump out of a long, abusive marriage and straight into a relationship with a stranger you met online. You’d be wise to spend some time alone working on yourself.

I can only move out outside of my area as I live in London and I cannot afford rent prices around here. I cannot stay in the same house with my ex it is not even about my new partner. It is about being divorce and trying to move away from him as he will use me for as long as he can . There will be a divorce but nothing will change and we will still be living together . This is destroying my mental health.

Divorce and sell the house, come to a financial settlement. That leaving your child is a consideration is insane to me. Why can’t you just push the divorce through and settle the finances and then see what’s what? Just date the guy. You’re vulnerable and shouldn’t be making huge steps so quickly, if it’s right he’ll still be there while you work through all this. Nothing is worth your relationship with your child.

'Last' girlfriend? Does that mean you're no longer together?

You might not have any regrets but what about her children?

I'm sorry you've had to contend with an abusive marriage, but your current line of thinking is entirely selfish and not sensible. You barely know this new man and he is absolutely not your "partner." He is barely more than an acquaintance, and you are already putting him and what you want above what's best for your kids.

You are on the verge of making some very, very BAD decisions based on fantasy and desperation.

Please slow down with the other guy. You've only been single a matter of months and only known him a very short time and are thinking of moving to be with him. Yes, of course you deserve a life of your own, but I can completely see why your daughter is upset. The first relationship after a long one ends is always exciting at first, until reality sets in. Just beware.
As for the divorce, get cracking on that straight away!! Find out what he is expecting custody wise, I'm guessing if he is away so often, it will be an every other weekend situation? And he may well want to stay on in the rental foe another year, but ensure your name is taken off it!!

@EverybodyLTB I don't have money. I don't have a house. I am left with nothing. I can only rent but not in London. I am stuck with ex husband and at his mercy. Forget the new man but even if he wasn't in picture if I want to move out from ex husband I still need to go far away and my daughter won't come with me .

No, but its complex, she is torn between me and her ex, but all our kids are fine, 3 of the 4 work together at the local pub and we all went on a great holiday last month - so no, it was was all fine.

So is your current property rented? Or is the place you live owned and also own a flat that is rented out?

Have you looked at what you would be entitled to on Universal Credit once your divorce is complete? I think you need to concentrate on getting divorced and really looking into your housing situation - it will be difficult but it's not insurmountable. I don't think you should move your 5 year old in with a man you don't know very well.

You need to seek legal advice here rather than leaving with a ‘partner’ people here on mn are very knowledgeable - and will direct you to the right services etc.

Forget about the new guy and forget about leaving your kids. Break down your financial situation for us, do you rent, are you in London? Where are you in the divorce process? What’s your salary and outgoings? What’s your husbands? Does he want/expect 50-50, is he expecting to stay in the current home? Could you afford it?

I’m not trying to pick at you, it’s that you’re asking the wrong questions. You’re asking how to jump from the frying pan into the fire. Maybe we all here can shine a light on a pathway to doing it in a way that’s better for you and your kids long term.

@Notamum12345577 hello. It is currently rented. My ex husband to be is on contract and so I am. He is horrible to me and has always been. He is trying to save for his house therfore current situation suits him as I stay home and look after children while working part time and he works long hours makes a lot of money and doesn't come home 5 days on average weekly
. He doesn't check if kids are OK or whether they have eaten. I work part time and I'm juggling it all. Contract ends in October and he days he may want to extend for 6 m or 1 year and he laughs at me that I won't be able to stay in my current t flat as I can't afford it. He also recently mentioned that he may even take over this flat. He does as he pleases. He is not leaving as a man. He is using me .

I'd be tempted to live separately under the same roof, until daughter is 18. You say your husband is away 5 nights a week anyway. Just move things around a bit so you have your own space. I had to stay in the same house as ExH for about 6 months like this. I sat in a different room at night.

If that's impossible then daughter HAS to come with you. Otherwise she will be alone 5 days a week, and you can't allow that with a 14 year old.

You need financial orders. Stop thinking about his behaviour, he sounds awful. Think about the route out that means you don’t lose everything. If he’s a high earner, and you facilitate the children by being part time, and you’re married then you’re entitled to financial support. You don’t need to ask him you need to go through the proper channels.

He works long hours and earns a lot of money

He will have to give you half his pension. You do know that, right? And half of all the savings.

My humble opinion is OP you are at your wits end and may see this new man as a life saver that will easy all the shit you are going through. Take it slowly, very slowly. One thing at the time.
Divorce and financial settlement, look for your accommodation etc, take control of your life and don't be at the mercy of your twat soon to be ex husband or this new man.
It is easy to feel overwhelmed in this situations and it is easy to make mistakes because when we are in this crap just a bit of hope makes us happy.
BTW your soon to be ex husband may want bollocks. It is not about how to please him, is about to build a bright future for you and the kids.

You met your new partner only a few months ago, and in real life only a few times? You need to slow down. You barely know him. Stop and think before you do something you regret. Your children should be your responsibility right now, as divorce will be a massive rupture in their lives.

Focus on the divorce and setting yourself up. You are entitled to half of everything your husband owns.

I stopped reading this when you talked about moving in within a man you’ve met a handful of times! I don’t blame your DD as you are taking her into the unknown.
I stand by you that you have the right to divorce and fall in love but the divorce is already a massive change for your DD.
Ive been with my dp 4 years and we haven’t moved in together as Dd found it hard and just wanted it to be 3 of us ( she has younger sister). You have plenty of time, please don’t rush this!

@aggies87 I’ve been through similar with daughter hating me but you will really damage your daughter if you leave her, it should not be an option, my daughter was similar age. But I stuck with her 50/50 between her dad and my home, we had horrible moments but she needs you the most right now. Yes it is your life but when we have kids we have to make sacrifices. I get that we need to chose ourselves sometimes but you are not talking about leaving kids for a few days. Seriously think and read the advice other posters have given on finances!

OP - with respect - I know you are unhappy, but you need to give your head a shake. You are not acting rationally and making decisions that will potentially land you in deep trouble.

Instead of planning to move yourself and your kids in with a man you barely know - you need to be sorting out a life where you stand on your own feet. You need to finalise your divorce, get a financial agreement in place where your STBXH will be paying a set child maintenance. (and maybe for a bit - spousal?). You need to make a plan to up your hours and enter full time employment. And then - making a plan as to how you will be living post divorce.

Rushing into any relationship - especially uprooting your kids now is just going to put you in a vulnerable situation. And you'll be at a mercy of a man, again. A man you barely know.

He is NOT the love of your life. You do not even know him. You sound like a teenager, not a mother of two - that you need to be.

And - btw - your setup in divorce where your H is still in the joint flat - is very normal. Many people live like that. Being away for 5 days during the week is a blessing many would prefer...
He is not using you - he is doing what you have always done. He works/pays for your life. You raise the kids...

I know it’s hard but you need to put your children first and think about their stability.
by all means date at this stage but keep it away from them and for goodness sake don’t move in with the man!

Your husband is gone most of the week. How exactly is he "using" you?

You are repeating yourself and don't need to.

File for divorce. It is £573. Use joint account.
See a solicitor to get everything started.
Makes sure you have all the financial stuff sorted before you get the divorce finalised. This is vital.

It will be hard and expensive but you have no choice if you want to leave him.

Make sure your dds feel secure and use the evenings to get to know this new man if you are really sure your daughters are okay as they have to come first but you need something for you. But this man is not yet the love of your life.

class book example of jumping from the frying pan into the fire

move out by all means but do not do so with this new man who is definitely not the love of your life. to think you will be allowing a virtual stranger access to your children is insane!

you've had a hard time, sure. move out of the area, get a better job, apply for child maintainance from your husband as well as universal credit. take a pause with the new man. you need to take a breath to process what is happening and to help your children through this awful time.

having a tough time doesn't excuse putting your children at risk or making bad decisions