Divorce, children and new partner

[aggies87]

Hello Ladies,

I hope you are all well and I appreciate any help and advice from you.

I will start from the beginning. I have been married for 16 years and I have two children with my husband. 14 and 5 year old girls.

My marriage has been abusive financially and emotionally and its been a true nightmare.

Since around 3 years there is not relationship between my husband and myself and I finally made a step and applied for divorce.

My soon ex husband to be is making our housing situation difficult and is not willing to move out, perhaps he wants to take over our rented flat when contract ends in October or he mentioned he may extend for another year. He is doing it as it works for him and is using me as he pleases. He works long hours and earns a lot of money and I work part time and look after the children. He comes home as he pleases sometimes is away for 5 nights in a week as he stays at the hotel where he works. He wants to continue like this without having responsibility and using me until he is ready to move out and buy a house. This situation and being at his mercy makes me extremely vulnerable and depressed as I am not in a position to move out on my own or else Ill be homeless.

Due to loneliness I am empiercing I met a man couple of months ago via online dating site and we fell in love. At first it was online relationship but we managed to meet few times. I feel like he is the love of my life.

I decided to speak to my family about him and I started to consider making a drastic move and leave current accomodation and move away with new partner. Ill be living there on my own with him visiting over the weekend.

The problem is that my older daughter who is 14 found out that I am in contact with a stranger male and told her father about it. She says she prefers to live with me however if I decide to move away from the area and perhaps having a new man in my life she wont come with me.

We are having argumens everyday and its very difficult time however I feel like I need to fight for my life as I am dying inside and I cannot waiste more years of my life and its not really about ne man in my life but about moving away and taking things in my own hands instead of waiting for my ex to decide and do as he pleases.

My mental health reached the bottom and I feel like I need to do something drastic.

I feel guilty to leave my daughter if she chooses to stay with her father but this is my life that is at stake now this is how I feel inside. My daughter judges me and she says he hates me and she doesnt care what her dad is doing despite of her behaviour but she is very concerned what I am doing but has no empathy when I told her I want to be happy as I suffered enough.

I would like to take mt 5 year old daughter with me and move away 1 hours away from current place.

I would like to know your opinion please. Obviously there is so much more drama and hurt and suffering but I need to break the cycle.

I would really appreciate your support and advice. I am just a mother who gave up my life to my children but is incredibly unhappy and trying to save my own life.

Thank you.

Kind regards,

Aggie

If this is about your daughter and we take the new man out of the equation, don't forget to factor in your should be entitled to half of all savings, pensions and assets, plus if he is away so much, you should have more custody to factor into child maintenance.
But you are right that you can't carry on living as you are. I'd suggest getting an idea of the financial side and then looking at exactly what/where you could afford to live.

Thank you all for all the support and advice . It's very useful and valuable advice. I am not talking it for granted. I agree with many and ill calm down and think rationally what I need to do best. Thank you all

New man is irrelevant. You need to move out of the area to leave this arsehole so you go. She's 14, if she doesn't want to move, I wouldn't blame her, school and friends and all that. Then that's her choice. You let her know she is always welcome to change her mind. And you will have to commit alot of weekend time to her, not your boyfriend. Don't have him round while she is there, prioritise her visits. Do not move him in yet. Focus on getting yourself right for your kids.

You are clearly a victim of coercive control. First and foremost you do need to leave, but not for a new man, but because of the abuse. Although you have not described how he is being horrible to you, I can imagine that he undermines and criticises you. He may be gaslighting you and is wearing down your sense of self. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels

This will help you to identify and explain what is going on to a solicitor. You need to ring a domestic abuse service as you trying to leave will trigger worse behaviour from your husband - it's the most dangerous time for you AND your children. They will help you with a exit plan.