Whats the deal with this ex

[Caseoftheex392]

My boyfriend was married in his 20s. He had 2 kids and a bad marriage. They split.

Between the age of 36 and 45 he was with "R". They didnt have children. She was ten yeara younger. Had a mortgage. He moved in with her. Never paid towards bills and didnt go on the mortgage. They both worked etc. I know that their relationship broke down because they drank every night. They did all the stuff holidays etc. She loved to travel. She came into some money and had a ton of holidays with her friends that year. My boyfriend began looking for attention outside the relationship. It all went to shit when he was sleeping with an old school friend. By the time he moved out there was rows over money. She cheated on one of her trips. He was a big drinker. She continued to "support him" after they split. She was popping in to see him. She drove him to hospital and he quit drinking.

He met me a year later. Im in nursing. I have 2 children. Im kind. Caring. He has turned his life around hasnt drank for 5 years now. Ive been a big part of his life for 4 years. Ive supported him and at times lent him money. Ive been good to him. When he has had nothing ive fed him. For 2 years his ex carried on texting him and it crippled us at times. Shes been off the scene for 18 months. They dont message now and my partner needed that because he wasnt as focused on me.

What i am struggling with is his cousin and both his daughters keep in touch with his ex. In recent weeks his adult daughter was sat with us and said she had reached out to R and has been messaging her all day. Shes now added R back onto her instagram and yet she hasnt followed me. Ive now heard she thinks i control her dad. Which just isnt true. His cousin has said several times ovet 4 years that he wont ever get over R and he will be heartbroken when she moves on.

I speak to him about it and he is over it amd doesnt wish to speak to her. He loves me and hia family are wrong.

I removed his daughter of instagram because i feel a joke to his family and i am hurt she thinks i control her dad.

I want to confront my partner about all this but he gets so defensive.

I am struggling to understand why im not valued

Does it really matter what his family's relationships are with this person, if you feel secure, loved and valued by him?

If you don't feel loved and valued by him, then maybe you should give up on it.

It sounds like you've done a lot for him - does he do a lot for you? Is it a two-way street between you, or does it all go one way?

I don’t know OP, there’s a few red flags in your post.

It sounds like you were his “saviour”, lending him money, supporting him, feeding him. What does he do for you? Is this an equal relationship?

You are not a rehabilitation unit for damaged men.

His families relationship with R is exactly that, his families, not yours and not his.
You cannot control who they speak with and it's very much a red flag on your part.

Your OH is with you, not R.
Well done on him for quitting alcohol and turning his life around.

Because hes been rebuilding his life and his landlord sold his house 2 years ago hes been on his bum abit at times.
Its like his family think hia ex was gold and im some awful replacement. In all other areas of my life people like me as whole ive never been described as controlling. If anything i get told im too nice and should speak up.
I have been nothing but kind to his daughter and always encouraged her. She seemed to like me.
Im also frustrated because filling my partner in on his ex is not helpful. He did struggle to let go and they are undoing the hard work. I want to ask his daughter why she has come to this conclusion. But i also dont want to contact them anymore as they are being completely unfair and they dont know the half of what ive done to help their dad stay off the streets.

I don't speak to my ex but I speak to his daughter. I did live with her for 5 years at the end of the day.

They may be concerned about you being controlling because you are trying to control their relationships.

Red flags everywhere.

I'm sorry OP but I have to agree with the other pp. Your relationship with him does not sound like a healthy one at all, I also saw several red flags and was shouting no, no, no no!

But to answer your question - you can not control what others choose to do. If other family members continue to keep in contact with R then surely that shows what a truly lovely person she was/is. Be thankful she was there for him when he was at his lowest point in his life, rather than jealous, as that is how you are coming across in your post. Jealousy and control are very closely linked.

Ive been a big part of his life for 4 years. Ive supported him and at times lent him money. Ive been good to him. When he has had nothing ive fed him. For 2 years his ex carried on texting him and it crippled us at times

they dont know the half of what ive done to help their dad stay off the streets.

You've been absolutely pouring your energy and money into this guy for years, despite him remaining entangled with this ex.

You wonder why you're not valued? I think it's because you don't value yourself - you've been enduring and doing the pick-me-dance for years. It shouldn't be that this woman's presence on the periphery of your lives poses a threat to your relationship - you should feel confident that he loves you and wants to be with you.

Four years you've been putting up with this. 😕

You have two kids, don't you think you would have been better pouring your money and energy into them, than trying to salvage Mr Trainwreck?

100% this.

So many red flags I don’t know where to start.

Stop wasting your life on this loser who is still enmeshed with his ex - you are not a rehabilitation centre for damaged men.

So, at 36 he met a 25 YO and moved in with her not paying any bills or mortgage?

He also cheated on her with an old sch friend.

And he had a drink problem.

What kind of a man is this? What about him made you think ‘this is the one’. What example are you sending your children?

You’ve removed his daughter from Instagram because she’s in contact with someone who was her fathers partner for 9 years?

Seriously?

9 years is a long time to be part of someone’s life and then yours.

So he’s an alcoholic unemployed cheating cocklodger still in love with his ex and your biggest concern is that his daughter follows his ex in SM.

Seriously is this the example you want to set for your kids to think that’s all you’re worth.

What are you confronting him about? His daughter is an adult and can follow who she wants and can have her own opinion about you it's nothing to do with you or the dad. Unfollowing her on social media sounds kind of pathetic on your part tbh. When you have relationships in older age you have to accept that people have a past and it can't be erased just because you don't like it. Your man isn't in contact with his ex so he happy for that and let the rest go.

Does he have a magic cock or something because otherwise I really can't work out why two women (probably more) are giving money to this man and essentially keeping him in food and shelter. He's a cock lodging extraordinaire. I bet he thinks he's a king.

Op, please work on your self esteem and worth. You're worth more than this man and his troubles.

As for his daughters and cousins well they can do what they want as they're adults. It's really none of your business.

1. it seems like his daughters / cousin are trying to wind you up, and it’s working.
2. Why are you with a cheating, financially irresponsible, morally questionable man. Is this the role model you want to be for your child?
3. You have been a maternal, nurse type figure for this man. You are mending his broken wings. It does not take a lot to wonder which direction he will now fly in, given how entangled he is with his ex and also given the encouragement he will get, from his loved ones.

you seem like a kind person. You do not seem like you are making good, sensible, choices for you or your child. If I were your friend or family, I’d be telling you to choose yourself and your child first, and stick to being a a kind and caring nurse, at work.

If you felt loved and safe in your relationship, you wouldn't mind one bit if his family were still friends with his ex. It's perfectly reasonable and normal for them to be in touch. It shouldn't have any impact on your relationship. And even if his DD was in touch with his ex to hurt you or to goad you in some way, that would be irritating, but still shouldn't bother you too much - if your relationship was a good one.

Your DP has form for cheating, for drinking, for not paying his way, for using people basically. You've done all the work, all the caring, all the supporting. Would he do the same for you? Does he run around after you? Worry about you? Do things for you, just because he wants to make your life better?

It sounds as though your relationship is all one way, with you making all the effort. I wonder if he'd still be around if you didn't provide that support.

You aren't valued because you didn't value yourself. You let him take advantage of you. All his relationships sound like they have been codependent and toxic, including yours.

So, basically this is a guy who bounces around as a cocklodger from one woman to another, and whose kids have a relationship with a woman he was with for years when they were young and who was probably lots of fun as she was much younger than her dad and liked to party.

You want recognition for "turning him around" but you're not getting it and they see the new him as someone who is controlled (I think an addict must always maintain self-control to beat their addiction personally but I can see they might seem to have changed if a new partner came along in tandem with this).

What would you tell a friend who came to you with this scenario?

I agree with this.

You may think you can save him - but you tell this tale like your boyfriend has no agency at all. His ex kept texting and you didn't like it? He could have blocked her, but he didn't.

It feels from what I've read that you're a comfortable place to land and you also fund and house him. I think you're being taken advantage of and the ex and Instagram is the least of your problems.

You sound like a rescuer and it doesn't sound like a relationship of equals to be honest. He's done well to stop drinking and turning his life around. Who told you that his daughter thinks you're controlling him? Is this because you insisted that he stop all contact with R? If his children are fond of her and want to have a relationship with her, that's not really any of your business. You can't control who they can or can't be friends with. Maybe he has told his daughter that he can't be in touch with R because you don't want him to?

It's probably because they don't know what you done for him? I know this is not what you want to hear but he's taking you for a mug! Some people will take and take and it will never be enough. Let him go find his ex, he will be doing you a massive favor! Like you said you are a nice caring woman, find someone who appreciates it

So he was still hung up on his ex for 18 months of your relationship?

Why should the kids not see someone who was in their life for so long?

@StrawberryWater I was about to say the exact same thing! He used R and now he's using you. He's bloody lucky to keep landing on his feet with women who'll prop him up emotionally and financially. What do you get out of this relationship? Partnerships should be equal.

That's complicated to be speaking to your ex's daughter,i wouldn't feel comfortable if my partner is still contacting anyone associated with his ex, obviously if they have kids together then that's different.

By my calculation his daughter must be in her late twenties or thirties? This ex girlfriend was in her life for more than ten years - and probably during her teen years. If she wants a relationship with this woman it’s none of your businesses.

you are clearly very insecure about your relationship - this man moves from one woman to the next - he sounds like a taker not a tiger. You are very intent on letting people know you are kind and caring. You get an ego boost from the relationship - he gets money and security.

you know deep down he is using you - that’s why you are so insecure about the ex. Walk away - it won’t get better

I think it's despicable to just vanish out of children's lives, and despicable to expect someone to because you, the current partner, feel uncomfortable about them.

In OP's situation, R was in her partner's kids' lives for ten years - half a child's lifetime. Assuming she was a valued family member - and it sounds like she was; weren't they living in her house and eating her food? - how do you think they'd feel if she just told them to bugger off, she had no use for them now she'd stopped shagging their dad?

OP, @Wooloohooloo and @StrawberryWater have both said exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. It looks like your main ambition is to prove you're an even bigger pushover than R. What happened to your self-worth? Being used and manipulated by a man isn't all that clever, you know. Any woman with a debit card and a "need to be needed" can do it.