Whats the deal with this ex

[Caseoftheex392]

My boyfriend was married in his 20s. He had 2 kids and a bad marriage. They split.

Between the age of 36 and 45 he was with "R". They didnt have children. She was ten yeara younger. Had a mortgage. He moved in with her. Never paid towards bills and didnt go on the mortgage. They both worked etc. I know that their relationship broke down because they drank every night. They did all the stuff holidays etc. She loved to travel. She came into some money and had a ton of holidays with her friends that year. My boyfriend began looking for attention outside the relationship. It all went to shit when he was sleeping with an old school friend. By the time he moved out there was rows over money. She cheated on one of her trips. He was a big drinker. She continued to "support him" after they split. She was popping in to see him. She drove him to hospital and he quit drinking.

He met me a year later. Im in nursing. I have 2 children. Im kind. Caring. He has turned his life around hasnt drank for 5 years now. Ive been a big part of his life for 4 years. Ive supported him and at times lent him money. Ive been good to him. When he has had nothing ive fed him. For 2 years his ex carried on texting him and it crippled us at times. Shes been off the scene for 18 months. They dont message now and my partner needed that because he wasnt as focused on me.

What i am struggling with is his cousin and both his daughters keep in touch with his ex. In recent weeks his adult daughter was sat with us and said she had reached out to R and has been messaging her all day. Shes now added R back onto her instagram and yet she hasnt followed me. Ive now heard she thinks i control her dad. Which just isnt true. His cousin has said several times ovet 4 years that he wont ever get over R and he will be heartbroken when she moves on.

I speak to him about it and he is over it amd doesnt wish to speak to her. He loves me and hia family are wrong.

I removed his daughter of instagram because i feel a joke to his family and i am hurt she thinks i control her dad.

I want to confront my partner about all this but he gets so defensive.

I am struggling to understand why im not valued

Ok. What jumped out at me was this.

He met me a year later. Im in nursing. I have 2 children. Im kind. Caring. He has turned his life around hasnt drank for 5 years now. Ive been a big part of his life for 4 years. Ive supported him and at times lent him money. Ive been good to him. When he has had nothing ive fed him.

And

Ive now heard she thinks i control her dad

Thing is, she's not wrong, is she?

Yes, his life might be 'better' now to mamy/most people's eyes but the improvements weren't weren't his choice, we're they?

You 'supported' (coerced) him into living a more respectable life when he was vulnerable.

I know you won't see it like that and I'm sure that many others will think you are wonderful and they are ungrateful but I agree either a pp who described you as a 'saviour'. What you essentially did was take a vulnerable man and mould him into what you wanted to be.

This might sound harsh but an old, friend of mine did something similar once. She, and everyone else, was outraged when he left her after everything she'd done for him. He was living a wonderful life on her efforts but it wasn't his life. He was a supporting character in hers.

Anyway, that's just my take on that part of it.

Everyone rose has covered the enmeshment with the ex.

I don’t understand why you’re even with him? What a loser! And what a shit ton of baggage , crappy daughter and crappy ex.

Dump him yesterday!

Also agree 💯

Youre being a doormat to a loser, sorry.

So he lived in her house but never paid any money for doing so? You’ve swooped in and now you’re lending him money when he has ‘nothing’.

What is it about this freeloading cocklodger that you all love so much? I cannot begin to imagine. 🤯

What happened to your self-worth? Being used and manipulated by a man isn't all that clever, you know. Any woman with a debit card and a "need to be needed" can do it.

Exactly this!

They were together for nearly ten years, you shouldn't be surprised that the daughter still keeps in touch. I still am very close to my ex step mum, and they've been separated for over 6 years.

For 2 years his ex carried on texting him and it crippled us at times. Shes been off the scene for 18 months. They dont message now and my partner needed that because he wasnt as focused on me.

He could have blocked her number to stop her texts, he obviously wanted to communicate with her too.

He moved in with her. Never paid towards bills and didnt go on the mortgage. They both worked etc.

Not the kind of man you want to build a future with, unless you are willing to pay for it all.

I miserly man is a big turn-off for me.

Your ex could be a millionaire selling his methods to get two women to financially and emotionally support him.

You are angry with the wrong person. His daughter can be friends with whoever she wants. I am not surprised that she isn’t going to suddenly dump someone she knew for 9 years. Yabu to be angry that she didn’t cut R off because her dad struggled to end things. That’s not the daughter’s fault at all. If your partner isn’t ready to be in a relationship after R then he shouldn’t be in one. Using you to get over R was never going to work long term.

I think that you need to have a think about why you feel compelled to rescue this man. It’s a poor basis for an adult relationship and speaks volumes about your self esteem. Did your mother behave the same way? Were you a rescuer to another person like a divorced dad ? It’s ok not to play that role. You have needs and deserve an equal relationship where you get to be rescued sometimes.

It’s not surprising that you resent the situation that you’re in but expecting control over your partner because you pay for his life is like a punter paying for a prostitute. You pay because you want to or are too attached —addicted— to the current situation to stop and see things clearly.