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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell her

28 replies

BeCoolUser · 08/05/2024 22:21

My fiancé and I have been engaged the past couple of months and had been dating for a total of 4 years but I have known her for 5. I’m scared to tell her that while we were getting to know each other, I sent her texts from a throwaway phone saying some messed up things because I was drunk but she thought it was a previous guy she had been with after she confided in me and was crying hysterically, the guy she had been with was very jealous, controlling and abusive. I literally forgot all about it until my brother told me about receiving calls from a spoofed number and it brought it all back.Should I tell her?she’s also expecting our boy in June. Other than that, we’ve had a really good and healthy relationship and I love her dearly.

OP posts:
WinterFaye2 · 08/05/2024 22:27

Leave it now. What good will come of it? Pretty bizzare behaviour on your part in the first place.

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 08/05/2024 22:33

WinterFaye2 · 08/05/2024 22:27

Leave it now. What good will come of it? Pretty bizzare behaviour on your part in the first place.

Yes I am ashamed and embarrassed and I think that’s why I carried it deep down but it hit me like bricks. We’ve been great for the last few years

OP posts:
alovelynight · 08/05/2024 22:35

Leave it in the past, forget about it.

Justcallmebebes · 08/05/2024 22:40

No, don't tell her

category12 · 08/05/2024 23:06

WTF?

What sort of messed up things did you say to her?

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 08/05/2024 23:25

category12 · 08/05/2024 23:06

WTF?

What sort of messed up things did you say to her?

I can’t really remember but they were awful and I feel bad for it

OP posts:
Lyracappul · 08/05/2024 23:32

Ok we all say sh**te sometimes, and felt ashamed. But don’t let the shame paralyse you or corerce you into bringing it up again.. learn from it… and move on.. and be kind to the next person who does something stupid. We all have at some time or another

MissingMoominMamma · 08/05/2024 23:34

If you want to put a bomb under your now happy relationship, then go ahead.

Otherwise, you carry it.

category12 · 08/05/2024 23:57

I don't understand why you would send horrible things to a woman when drunk on a burner phone.

To someone who was already being terrorised by someone else.

That's disgusting.

Did you get the burner phone especially to do it? Why did you even have a burner phone?

You did something really terrible.

It seems unlikely it's wholly out of character, given the whole burner phone thing, in which case she'd be better off without you.

FetchezLaVache · 09/05/2024 00:05

I think what you need to be asking yourself is: why are you suddenly having a crisis of conscience about those awful messages now, a month before she gives birth to your child? "Oh darling, by the way, do you remember those horrible messages you got a few years ago from Bruce? Actually, they were from me. Could you pass the butter, please?" Could it possibly be that you are quite comfortable that you've got her trapped, barefoot and pregnant, and she couldn't leave even if she wanted to? So you tell her it was you who sent the messages, she has no choice but to forgive and forget and then you've got your licence to be as cruel to her as you like going forward?

What a prince among men you are.

SleepPrettyDarling · 09/05/2024 00:08

You don’t sound like a very nice person.

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 00:14

thanks everyone for your input. We haven’t had any issues for years that’s why I wanted to know if this was something I should bring up

OP posts:
alphabetzoo · 09/05/2024 00:17

Christ no don't tell her she's pregnant.

How old were you when you sent the messages?

It's too late now for our could lose your family over this. Just deal with the guilt yourself.

BigPussyEnergy · 09/05/2024 00:18

No, the time to tell her was before she was tied to you for the rest of her life by your child. Nothing good can come of this now, it would actually be quite selfish of you to unburden yourself at this stage just to allay your own guilt.

As long as you’re sure your brother won’t let slip this is something you have to put away so that you can be the supportive partner she needs, not the nasty idiot you were back then.

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 00:21

alphabetzoo · 09/05/2024 00:17

Christ no don't tell her she's pregnant.

How old were you when you sent the messages?

It's too late now for our could lose your family over this. Just deal with the guilt yourself.

4 1/2 years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 00:22

BigPussyEnergy · 09/05/2024 00:18

No, the time to tell her was before she was tied to you for the rest of her life by your child. Nothing good can come of this now, it would actually be quite selfish of you to unburden yourself at this stage just to allay your own guilt.

As long as you’re sure your brother won’t let slip this is something you have to put away so that you can be the supportive partner she needs, not the nasty idiot you were back then.

I’m really not and I deserve ALL the slander that comes with it. I just wanted to know would it be worth it even telling her at this point but thank you

OP posts:
alphabetzoo · 09/05/2024 00:45

You were 4 1/2 year old when you sent text messages 🤣

I meant were you 18 or something like that sounds like a young person would so what you did not a 48 year old

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 00:47

alphabetzoo · 09/05/2024 00:45

You were 4 1/2 year old when you sent text messages 🤣

I meant were you 18 or something like that sounds like a young person would so what you did not a 48 year old

No I sent those texts almost 5 years ago

OP posts:
BeMoreEfficient · 09/05/2024 00:50

Yes but how old were you went you sent them?

or how old are you now🙄

It is relevant

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 00:52

i was 26 when I sent them and ill be 31 in July

OP posts:
Frazzledfrump432 · 09/05/2024 01:04

I don’t think you should tell her now op if you are truly sincere about regretting it, as the right time for that has gone.

I’m sorry, the whole thing seems off to me though. You were apparently so drunk that you were unable to restrain yourself from writing horrible things, and yet you were quick-witted enough to switch to a burner phone?

And people normally write the truth in an uninhibited way when they are drunk don’t they? She obviously trusted you at that point to confide in you about the messages so why were you angry or why did you want to insult her?

You don’t need to answer that question here but it may be helpful to reflect on why you did such a thing in the first place, whether those feelings are still in your sub conscience somewhere, and whether they are likely to re-emerge? If so, you need to deal with them or talk to someone. Also, as pp said, the timing is interesting as to why this has cropped up again now.

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 01:07

Frazzledfrump432 · 09/05/2024 01:04

I don’t think you should tell her now op if you are truly sincere about regretting it, as the right time for that has gone.

I’m sorry, the whole thing seems off to me though. You were apparently so drunk that you were unable to restrain yourself from writing horrible things, and yet you were quick-witted enough to switch to a burner phone?

And people normally write the truth in an uninhibited way when they are drunk don’t they? She obviously trusted you at that point to confide in you about the messages so why were you angry or why did you want to insult her?

You don’t need to answer that question here but it may be helpful to reflect on why you did such a thing in the first place, whether those feelings are still in your sub conscience somewhere, and whether they are likely to re-emerge? If so, you need to deal with them or talk to someone. Also, as pp said, the timing is interesting as to why this has cropped up again now.

I think it’s because we are about to have a baby and because my brother had brought up a spoofed call. I actually began therapy to address ptsd and anger issues a few years ago. I’m not the same person I was and we had got into a big argument that day and i don’t know what I was thinking but that’s when it happened and I truely regret it and ashamed for it. I don’t even think about doing Pos stuff like that anymore. That’s why when I’m bashed on here, I’m not even upset because I deserve it and trust me, I’m my own worst critic but I’ve made strides to be a better man. It’s just I don’t know why I feel so much guilt right now.

OP posts:
homezookeeper · 09/05/2024 01:13

Do not tell her while she's pregnant nor after having the baby for several months until she's more steady. But you owe her the truth. You did this and you've undermined your entire relationship. I don’t know how someone could live with this knowing the damage it's done and not own up. She deserves that and more.
What do you think would happen if you told her the truth?
Shame on the posters saying never tell her. Says a lot about them as people.
You already betrayed her, relationships can only thrive on truth. Would you really feel comfortable knowing you did this and never told her as your life together goes forward? If so, that says a lot about you.

MonsteraMama · 09/05/2024 01:20

You don't remember what you said but you know it was terrible? Sure. What did you say? You know exactly what it was so stop bullshitting with the "oh I can't remember exactly".

Why did you do it? Did you want her to run to you upset so you could be the big brave hero who saved her from the nasty man? Did you want to scare her? I can't fathom doing something like this to someone I loved tbh, proper cunt move.

Feel sorry for the poor woman. Carrying the child of an absolute dipshit.

Original poster
BeCoolUser · 09/05/2024 01:22

Thank you everyone for your input. It was years ago and I’ve put it bed and I’ve prayed on it and it’s best for our family if I don’t do it. Thank you

OP posts: