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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My ex and his arranged marriage regrets

47 replies

jennifromtherock · 08/05/2024 19:36

Around 15 years ago when I was a student, I had a pretty intense relationship with someone from a culture very different. It was a Middle Eastern culture where arranged marriage is the norm. For various reasons, he couldn't/wouldn't stand up to his parents and their arranged marriage plans, so I broke things off between us. It was heartbreaking at the time as he was the love of my life, he said the same about me.
Met at uni, and he went back to native country after graduation and was engaged within about 3 weeks (entirely predictable, I know). Married very soon after.
Meanwhile I waited a few years before getting married, that failed for unrelated reasons.
About 7 years ago, my Middle Eastern ex (let's called him Ali) emailed me out of the blue saying he was coming back to the UK on a work trip, asked me to meet him but I said no. Out of respect for both his wife, his kids and myself.
He proceeded to send a series of emails about how he's never got over losing me and regrets his marriage blah blah blah. I politely said he needs to do something about it if really that miserable. He has 3 kids now, ranging from early teens to 6.
At that time 7 years ago I asked him to stop living in the past and complaining to me about his marriage, reminded him that his lack of action when he had the chance to stand up for "us" 15 years ago caused me a lot of hurt and pain. So he stopped messaging, presumably to work on his marriage or get some emotional support. I don't know.
Then, last year his email starting coming again so I totally ignored them. Haven't answered a single one since they resumed a year ago. They are full of self-pity and declarations of love, telling me what an idiot he was to let his parents push him into a marriage he didn't want. Blah blah blah. So, obviously still married and no intention of leaving it due to the cultural stigma etc.
In the last few weeks, his emails have started to contain AI (artificial intelligence) created images of all our "special moments" together from 15 years ago... From the scene where we first met (the AI figures are a true likeness to us, and he remembered my exact clothes and shoes from that day), special places we had visited together and so on. Saddest of all the AI images is one that shows "us" aged (to arrange 60) sitting together in each other's arms :( He said he's determined for that to happen one day.
Friends have told me to block him but I feel cruel doing this because he seems to find it therapeutic sending these emails and creating these AI images. I asked him to stop emailing 7years ago so this request wasn't heeded. So even if blocked him, I'm sure he'd just set up new account.
Is there any hope for him being able to move on? Just for context, he's almost 40 and works as a doctor, very affluent from what I can gather. Google searches confirm his whereabouts (no longer living in his home country) and he's on Linkedin. Seems to be doing well for himself professionally but I'm concerned about his frame of mind to be spending so long on these emails and AI images.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 08/05/2024 19:38

Honestly? I'm from a similar background. He wants what he didn't have the balls to do. It's just chat to see if you'll agree to a fling. He won't leave his wife. Block him he is a time waster

jennifromtherock · 08/05/2024 19:44

wizzywig · 08/05/2024 19:38

Honestly? I'm from a similar background. He wants what he didn't have the balls to do. It's just chat to see if you'll agree to a fling. He won't leave his wife. Block him he is a time waster

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Time-waster then and timewaster now. I gave him every imaginable bit of advice, pleaded with him to stand up for himself all those years ago but he was too flaky. I just feel so bad for his wife, poor woman deserves more respect.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 08/05/2024 19:45

Block him. Why do you care about his feelings when he doesn't care about yours?

At best he wants a booty call.

At worst he is a stalker.

SpeakinginTongues · 08/05/2024 19:49

wizzywig · 08/05/2024 19:38

Honestly? I'm from a similar background. He wants what he didn't have the balls to do. It's just chat to see if you'll agree to a fling. He won't leave his wife. Block him he is a time waster

Mightn’t necessarily be a fling— from living in the ME years back, I noted that in societies where polygamy was legal, and a man was rich enough to support two establishments, the first wife was usually the parentally-chosen one, and/or a cousin, but the second could be foreign/personal choice. But if he’s a working medic, he’s probably not in that league financially, and it’s hardly enticing, anyway…

ComfyButFrumpy · 08/05/2024 19:57

At best he wants a booty call.
At worst he is a stalker.
That made me laugh.

Op, you could easily stop this.
Tell him to stop contacting you. His job would be in jeopardy if you made a complaint.

Takenoprisoner · 08/05/2024 20:08

AnnaMagnani · 08/05/2024 19:45

Block him. Why do you care about his feelings when he doesn't care about yours?

At best he wants a booty call.

At worst he is a stalker.

Agree. and AI crap is manipulative and would give me the ick. What's the real reason you won't block?

Snugglemonkey · 08/05/2024 20:51

He is not and never has been the love of your life, op. The love of your life puts you first, chooses you. He did not.

You are not his therapist. He can find a therapist and pay with his plentiful supply of money. He has no right to use your emotional resources. No right to space in your head. Find a therapist for you and put this man where he belongs, in the past.

beenwhereyouare · 08/05/2024 20:51

jennifromtherock · 08/05/2024 19:44

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Time-waster then and timewaster now. I gave him every imaginable bit of advice, pleaded with him to stand up for himself all those years ago but he was too flaky. I just feel so bad for his wife, poor woman deserves more respect.

Yes, his wife deserves more respect, and so do you. For that reason alone I would tell him to love the family he has and to stop wasting time on something that you don't want and will never happen. Then block, and continue blocking any other email accounts he contacts you with.

Fmlgirl · 08/05/2024 21:02

OP you’ve posted about this before. I was either pregnant or a new mum when I read this and my baby is now 1 year. Are you sure it’s not you that can’t move on? It’s easy to just block this guy and move on with your life, you don’t even know him anymore and the AI images sound a bit deranged. He won’t leave his wife ever. I wouldn’t give this another thought to be honest.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 08/05/2024 21:22

Does anyone else find this pretty disturbing? The AI images thing is fucking unhinged. Email him once - very clear and very firm. Your time together was in the past, he has a life and so do you and you have no desire to see or hear from him again - wish him well. If he continues to contact you after you've asked him to stop then tell him he must stop or you'll have no choice but to report him to the police for harassment.

He needs to get a grip and you need to toughen up

Guavafish1 · 08/05/2024 21:30

A total creepy loser.

If he really loved and wanted you... he would have stood up for you and the relationship.

I would forward the emails to his wife and see if he emails you again!

ScrambledSmegs · 08/05/2024 21:32

The AI thing is so creepy, I can't believe you feel sorry for him. Maybe your happy memories of being at university and in love have blinded you to the fact that this is basically scary as fuck?

Starlightstarbright3 · 08/05/2024 21:37

I think actually he probably just enjoys the chase .

You should block him . It makes no sense why you haven’t

Toastiecroissant · 08/05/2024 21:42

Friends have told me to block him but I feel cruel doing this because he seems to find it therapeutic sending these emails and creating these AI images
Did he feel bad ignoring your requests to stop? Did he feel bad ending your relationship? is there a reason you need to serve as his therapy outlet?

i think you’re being silly to entertain this honestly, this is just another version of my marriage is so unhappy, only you can make me happy, let’s have an affair.
he’s not going to leave his wife. And the images are creepy af.

4get2 · 08/05/2024 21:51

Another "middle easterm men bashing" thread🙄

Tilandsia · 08/05/2024 22:05

Fmlgirl · 08/05/2024 21:02

OP you’ve posted about this before. I was either pregnant or a new mum when I read this and my baby is now 1 year. Are you sure it’s not you that can’t move on? It’s easy to just block this guy and move on with your life, you don’t even know him anymore and the AI images sound a bit deranged. He won’t leave his wife ever. I wouldn’t give this another thought to be honest.

I’ve read this before too, word for word, but it was only a month or so ago 🤔

Burntouted · 09/05/2024 01:42

Honestly, both of you come across as unsettling, and your partners and his children deserve better treatment.

It's time to stop engaging with him and cut off all communication. Make it clear that any further contact will result in reporting him to authorities, his workplace, and his spouse.

Your actions are giving him mixed signals and encouraging his inappropriate behavior. If you don't put an end to it, it could escalate into an affair.

It seems you're flattered and tempted to rekindle things with him, but if you don't let go, it could lead to a damaging affair.

You're just as infatuated with him as he is with you, evident from your online searches about him. His marital status doesn't seem to deter you.

He's likely seeking excitement and using you as a potential affair partner or rebound. He wouldn't be faithful to you either, as he might be telling similar things to others.

It appears you enjoy the attention, but it's unfair to both your husband and his family.

If you're still married, it's essential to be honest with your husband and consider divorce to focus on self-improvement.

You still harbor strong feelings for this guy, which is evident. Your husband deserves someone who genuinely values him, not someone using him as a backup.

Both of you should take time to be single and work on personal growth, perhaps through therapy. Life is too precious to dwell on unhealthy relationships.

FatAndFiftySomething · 09/05/2024 02:34

I remember this poster from last year too.

And, OP, I agree that it is within your power to block his email. And the new one he makes and the one after that. But because you won’t/can’t, I would try to work out why, with a therapist if you can afford it. I appreciate they are expensive but there is a reason you are not putting a stop to this and it would be really beneficial to you to understand the reasons you aren’t blocking him.

PoppingTomorrow · 09/05/2024 02:58

Either block him or set up an inbox rule that sends all his emails to the deleted items folder.

He can still indulge in his therapy and you don't have to read them.

I can imagine it must have been somewhat gratifying to see his regret and even his fantasy of you together, after the painful breakup you went through. Let it lie there, though. He has made his bed, had 3 children, and it's not as though he has already left his wife in search of atonement. You don't need to scratch that itch.

coxesorangepippin · 09/05/2024 03:19

He sounds loopy

How does he have the time to do fake AI photos of you aged 60? Doesn't he have three kids and a job?

Eggmoobean · 09/05/2024 03:24

Whatever mid life crisis he is having is not your problem. Block him in everything and move forward. He needs to get therapy.

Fone · 09/05/2024 03:28

Tilandsia · 08/05/2024 22:05

I’ve read this before too, word for word, but it was only a month or so ago 🤔

Same. I think there's an unhealthy obsession going on both sides here which is the real reason OP won't block them.

MountCaramel · 09/05/2024 03:46

Threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone and then block him everywhere.

BananaLambo · 09/05/2024 04:19

He’s breadcrumbing you - throwing you enough crumbs to keep you interested. It’s an ego boost for him. The reality is that if he really wanted you to be together you would be together. What’s likely is that he’s hit middle age, the wife is absorbed by the 3 kids, perhaps the passion has taken a bit of a back seat, and he’s looking to get his jollies elsewhere - cue contacting you where he likely had the best sex of his life. If you buy into his little fantasy you’ll at best get a couple of nights a year infancy London hotels while he’s on ‘business trips’ while he sells you dreams of what could have been in the hope of having you on call to help him relive his youth. It sounds like you’re still mooning after him, otherwise you’d have blocked him.

seedsandseeds · 09/05/2024 06:33

Read this at least once before a few years back.

Thought I was going mad for a second.