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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My ex and his arranged marriage regrets

47 replies

jennifromtherock · 08/05/2024 19:36

Around 15 years ago when I was a student, I had a pretty intense relationship with someone from a culture very different. It was a Middle Eastern culture where arranged marriage is the norm. For various reasons, he couldn't/wouldn't stand up to his parents and their arranged marriage plans, so I broke things off between us. It was heartbreaking at the time as he was the love of my life, he said the same about me.
Met at uni, and he went back to native country after graduation and was engaged within about 3 weeks (entirely predictable, I know). Married very soon after.
Meanwhile I waited a few years before getting married, that failed for unrelated reasons.
About 7 years ago, my Middle Eastern ex (let's called him Ali) emailed me out of the blue saying he was coming back to the UK on a work trip, asked me to meet him but I said no. Out of respect for both his wife, his kids and myself.
He proceeded to send a series of emails about how he's never got over losing me and regrets his marriage blah blah blah. I politely said he needs to do something about it if really that miserable. He has 3 kids now, ranging from early teens to 6.
At that time 7 years ago I asked him to stop living in the past and complaining to me about his marriage, reminded him that his lack of action when he had the chance to stand up for "us" 15 years ago caused me a lot of hurt and pain. So he stopped messaging, presumably to work on his marriage or get some emotional support. I don't know.
Then, last year his email starting coming again so I totally ignored them. Haven't answered a single one since they resumed a year ago. They are full of self-pity and declarations of love, telling me what an idiot he was to let his parents push him into a marriage he didn't want. Blah blah blah. So, obviously still married and no intention of leaving it due to the cultural stigma etc.
In the last few weeks, his emails have started to contain AI (artificial intelligence) created images of all our "special moments" together from 15 years ago... From the scene where we first met (the AI figures are a true likeness to us, and he remembered my exact clothes and shoes from that day), special places we had visited together and so on. Saddest of all the AI images is one that shows "us" aged (to arrange 60) sitting together in each other's arms :( He said he's determined for that to happen one day.
Friends have told me to block him but I feel cruel doing this because he seems to find it therapeutic sending these emails and creating these AI images. I asked him to stop emailing 7years ago so this request wasn't heeded. So even if blocked him, I'm sure he'd just set up new account.
Is there any hope for him being able to move on? Just for context, he's almost 40 and works as a doctor, very affluent from what I can gather. Google searches confirm his whereabouts (no longer living in his home country) and he's on Linkedin. Seems to be doing well for himself professionally but I'm concerned about his frame of mind to be spending so long on these emails and AI images.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 09/05/2024 07:42

Stop encouraging him by reading his messages. Just block him on everything. If he finds another way ro contact you take to police. You seem to enjoy the drama which you justufy by saying you feel sorry for him.

Xenoi24 · 09/05/2024 07:53

He didn't feel sorry for you when he dumped you and conformed (well I'm sure he was full of words, but there are words and there are actions). He didn't feel sorry for you while you had to find a partner and make your way in life. He didn't feel sorry for you when your marriage broke down, when he found out about It, he probably just rubbed his hands thinking it would now be much easier to reel you in, and that he'd prefer an unmarried mistress anyway.
He hasn't been your personal free therapist.

So why are you being such a sop to him. You're too soft. And you're flattered but you probably shouldn't be.

He's only trying to make you his mistress anyway.

Pics of you two.at 60 ..... Is he planning to do his wife in? Where would she be ... Presuming she's the same age or younger, while you're in these cosy 60 yr old pics. He's finally going to divorce her when his parents/older relatives pass away, is that it?

The AI stuff ...how is that not a massive turn off.

tuvamoodyson · 09/05/2024 07:56

If only there was a way you could put an end to this 🤔

Xenoi24 · 09/05/2024 07:56

You perhaps need to find another partner, so maybe you wouldn't be giving this maudlin cheater so much headspace.

Quitelikeit · 09/05/2024 08:02

There’s no solution here. You need to learn to
control
your reaction to
him

Living in the past is ridiculous- he’s probably having a mid life crisis

If he is bound by his family culture just step right away

Francisflute · 09/05/2024 09:33

OP be honest, are you hoping he will leave his wife for you or at least have a fulfilling affair alongside that will allow you to feel as though you and the love of your life are seeing through the potential you felt years ago? Won't happen. He won't leave his wife. He's made how many babies? He didn't choose her, no, but he accepted and is making the best of the match and is messing around on the side wasting your time hoping for sex or emotional dumping at most. Any affair will be on his terms. Sorry to say he didn't choose you then and isn't doing so now

Cut him off.

This is not a ME bashing thread, whoever said that. What good honestly would anyone have to say about this behaviour? It's not about him being Middle Eastern. I accept people get together with good intentions and culture clashes get in the way. I've been there. No hard feelings in my case. In fact a have a couple of close friends I met that way (OLD I hit it off with, not love of my life territory ). However this is simply a man not acting in good faith. The AI images are manipulative, disrespectful and out of line. Like the behaviour of a married person from anywhere fishing for attention/sex/ whatever outwith their marriage.
.

Zonder · 09/05/2024 09:39

AnnaMagnani · 08/05/2024 19:45

Block him. Why do you care about his feelings when he doesn't care about yours?

At best he wants a booty call.

At worst he is a stalker.

This. You're not helping him by letting the emails come. He needs to sort himself out.

yhk · 09/05/2024 09:47

Why are you even replying to him? It was 15 years ago?

You seem to morally object to meeting him when he's in the UK, but how about showing some respect to his innocent wife and kids by blocking him and not entertaining this bollocks?

He is nothing to do with you now.

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/05/2024 10:51

Friends have told me to block him but I feel cruel doing this because he seems to find it therapeutic sending these emails and creating these AI images.

I call bullshit. You're enjoying the ego boost of having him still obsess over you all these years.

Just block him, you're both being pathetic.

Hoppinggreen · 09/05/2024 10:52

Why are you his therapy?

JamSandle · 09/05/2024 10:58

I wouldn't bother. You can save yourself world of heartache here. He has shown his cultural blueprint matters more than you and him having a shot at a life together. Leave him to it.

Lampzade · 09/05/2024 11:03

Sorry Op, but I think that you are actually encouraging him by not blocking him

J0S · 09/05/2024 11:06

Snugglemonkey · 08/05/2024 20:51

He is not and never has been the love of your life, op. The love of your life puts you first, chooses you. He did not.

You are not his therapist. He can find a therapist and pay with his plentiful supply of money. He has no right to use your emotional resources. No right to space in your head. Find a therapist for you and put this man where he belongs, in the past.

This, he’s a creepy weirdo who wants a booty call when he’s back in the UK.

Westfacing · 09/05/2024 11:44

I know someone who in the 80s had an 'Ali' and that was his name! A very similar story to yours - he went back home after studies, not specifically to marry but he did marry about a year later.

They have kept in sporadic touch over the decades - both are married.

He never bad-mouths his wife or family and has never suggested that they meet, although when he was younger he used to visit the UK for work.

But from what I understand there is an unspoken acceptance that both are 'the one that got away' are soulmates, and in different circumstances they probably would have married. They're both mid-60s now.

By contrast your Ali sounds like a real creep and I think you know that you have to block him, and not worry about his frame of mind, just get on with your own life.

Meadowfinch · 09/05/2024 11:49

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 08/05/2024 21:22

Does anyone else find this pretty disturbing? The AI images thing is fucking unhinged. Email him once - very clear and very firm. Your time together was in the past, he has a life and so do you and you have no desire to see or hear from him again - wish him well. If he continues to contact you after you've asked him to stop then tell him he must stop or you'll have no choice but to report him to the police for harassment.

He needs to get a grip and you need to toughen up

This. He sounds unhinged. Protect yourself.

worryworrysuperscurry · 09/05/2024 12:30

I have an Ali. Pops up every time he divorces or a relationship ends. His partners since we split (decades ago) even look like me. I've heard through the grapevine that he's divorced for a third time so I'm mentally bracing myself for him to reappear. Though I'm hoping he won't, as last time I ended up reporting him to the police for harassment.
You really need to block him. The AI stuff is beyond creepy!

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/05/2024 13:53

If you can't bear to block him, then set up your email to send his emails direct to the Bin.

I'd just block him personally though.

therealcookiemonster · 09/05/2024 13:59

what a pathetic loser. you were well rid of him tbh

IsawwhatIsaw · 09/05/2024 14:12

You sound secretly flattered.
otherwise you’d be blocking and ignoring and not posting here

BMW6 · 09/05/2024 15:41

His poor wife.

This isn't some romantic unrequited Love OP.
He's after an affair.

Where's your morals and pride?

Turfwars · 09/05/2024 15:56

My ex from my teens did this, and he's Irish Catholic. So it's not a middle-eastern thing necessarily, just a bored with marriage looking for a bit on the side thing.

He bounced between his now-wife and me for a couple of years during Uni and when I wouldn't take him back a third time, he stuck with her and eventually married her. 2 years after they married he was back whinging about how he never loved her and he always missed what we had yada yada. All a big steaming pile of shite. All he wanted was a side piece. And if I was still as gullible as I was when I first met him, I'd have probably fell for it. But I sent him away with his ear ringing. They had kids subsequently and are still together 23 years on so presumably he wasn't that miserable.

Look at what he's actually offering. Nothing. He's not leaving or will leave his wife. He's not going to move to be with you. Nothing has changed and you are still nowhere near the top of the list of his priorities. Let him wank-cry over AI creepy images of you both on the dates that he never bothered to bring you on, due to the choices he chose and continued to choose. Don't waste your time.

VerlynWebbe · 09/05/2024 15:57

"Friends have told me to block him but I feel cruel doing this because he seems to find it therapeutic sending these emails and creating these AI images. I asked him to stop emailing 7years ago so this request wasn't heeded."

With respect, why are you giving a fuck about how therapeutic he finds it to mock up AI photos of you in fantasy wish-fulfilment scenarios? That is unhinged behaviour!

Stop wasting your own time over this. That's my advice.

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