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Is this controlling??

34 replies

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 11:44

My partner and I have been together for 14 years and have 2 children together. The past year or so he has become what I regard as obsessed with buying me underwear that he likes and insists that I wear them. Most days he will ask what I am wearing and if it is not a pair he has bought he gets annoyed and makes me feel guilty for not wearing them. When I pointed out that it seemed controlling and I don’t like when he asks me all the time he goes in to defence mode and turns it around on me saying he can’t believe that I think he is controlling and how it is normal for men to want to see their partner in nice underwear. He also says he doesn’t understand why I get so annoyed over it. Am I in the wrong here??

OP posts:
Pashazade · 08/05/2024 11:46

No, he does not get to dictate what you wear at anytime, ever. He is in the wrong, it is absolutely none of his business. Tell him to fuck off and mind his own. I'd be handing the underwear straight back and telling him you are not some weird fetish you are a human being and will not be treated like an object.

Princess12365837 · 08/05/2024 11:47

He trying to spice up your love life he trying keep spark going take it as a compliment he trying with you and not looking eles where at lot of men these days don't do that

Pashazade · 08/05/2024 11:48

I should add if my DH were to buy me underwear that I liked I would thank him and make an effort to wear it the next time we went out together so he could see that I liked it. But that would be the extent to which I would "wear" something specifically for him.

jollygoose · 08/05/2024 11:52

My dh used to present me with lovely lingerie for birthdays or occasions I told him it was a present for him not me I didn't like hurting his feelings but told him in the end I just prefer m and s big pants.

Foggymcfogson · 08/05/2024 11:56

Buy him a red leather thong and insist he wears it for work...

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 11:56

I appreciate and thank him for anything he buys me. And of course I wear the underwear he buys but then it becomes obsessive and he expects me to wear them all the time. And if I ever just wear them he automatically assumes that means I want to have sex.

OP posts:
Velvian · 08/05/2024 11:59

You neither have to appreciate it or wear it @Annon1995 . It sounds like he has developed an unhealthy obsession or fetish. I would not be wearing it at all, given his behaviour around it.

AltitudeCheck · 08/05/2024 12:01

He's buying underwear he likes... that's not a 'gift' for you.

Buy him some DIY tools/ cleaning products/ a penis extender and tell him you expect him to say thankyou for your generous gift and you expect to see him using them every day!

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 12:02

The funny thing is he would love it if I bought him something. He likes to wear ladies swimming costumes as he ‘likes the feel of them’ he also tries to get me to wear them to cuddle in but it makes me feel uncomfortable

OP posts:
category12 · 08/05/2024 12:03

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 11:56

I appreciate and thank him for anything he buys me. And of course I wear the underwear he buys but then it becomes obsessive and he expects me to wear them all the time. And if I ever just wear them he automatically assumes that means I want to have sex.

So he wants you to wear sexy undies at all times, and if you're wearing sexy undies, you have to be up for sex?

Sounds like he's potentially sexually coercive.

He's got no right to get in a strop about what you decide to wear - it's entirely up to you.

A gift that is mostly for his pleasure, isn't really a gift.

AltitudeCheck · 08/05/2024 12:04

Your update makes it clear he has a bit of a fetish for ladies underwear! You don't have to indulge his fetish and if he tries to pressure you, he is being unreasonable.

pinkdays · 08/05/2024 12:05

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 12:02

The funny thing is he would love it if I bought him something. He likes to wear ladies swimming costumes as he ‘likes the feel of them’ he also tries to get me to wear them to cuddle in but it makes me feel uncomfortable

I suspect this thread isn't in good faith after that drip feed

category12 · 08/05/2024 12:05

pinkdays · 08/05/2024 12:05

I suspect this thread isn't in good faith after that drip feed

Yeah.

Riverlee · 08/05/2024 12:06

What’s wrong with M and S knickers for every day use?!

I’d hate being told what to wear like that.

Sparklfairy · 08/05/2024 12:07

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 11:56

I appreciate and thank him for anything he buys me. And of course I wear the underwear he buys but then it becomes obsessive and he expects me to wear them all the time. And if I ever just wear them he automatically assumes that means I want to have sex.

Ah okay. So tie that together with this:

Most days he will ask what I am wearing and if it is not a pair he has bought he gets annoyed and makes me feel guilty for not wearing them.

Is he very simple? Because, like a dog or a toddler, he's associated you wearing the underwear with a reward for him. and is sulking when you're not wearing them because he thinks that means 'no sex' for him.

So in answer to your question, yes it's controlling, but also completely thick of him. Special underwear = automatic sex, normal underwear = no sex, no sex = sulking. Fabulous. What a turn on Hmm

Sparklfairy · 08/05/2024 12:08

FFS I posted before reading that update.

Annon1995 · 08/05/2024 12:08

I’m not sure what you mean by not in good faith? I am genuinely trying to get other peoples opinions on the matter….

OP posts:
Dadjoke007 · 08/05/2024 12:14

That is totally wrong. By all means get some nice stuff and ask you wear it as a treat, on Sat for example but that's it - not every day and not over-reacting to when you don't. It is control,.

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2024 12:16

Princess12365837 · 08/05/2024 11:47

He trying to spice up your love life he trying keep spark going take it as a compliment he trying with you and not looking eles where at lot of men these days don't do that

It's not a compliment if he's treating her like his personal sex doll. It's pretty degrading.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 08/05/2024 12:19

Aah "he" likes to wear ladies swimming costumes does he?

Josette77 · 08/05/2024 12:20

To recap.

DH buys you underwear he expects you to wear all the time and have sex in.

And he also likes to wear women's clothing...

OP is your DH turned on by the underwear on you, or just women's underwear in general? I'd have questions...

GoneAlready · 08/05/2024 12:20

Please ignore the regressive, misogynistic claptrap posted by Princess12365837.

His behaviour really is controlling.

His “gifts” to you aren’t actually centred on bringing you pleasure or making you happy, are they?

All about him and what he wants. Like he sees you as a living sex toy, rather than as a human being with needs (of all kinds, not just sexual: eg the need for boundaries, the need to be in charge of deciding what underwear you wear!) and desires of your own.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, your last post throws up yet another red flag.

If he “likes the feel” of women’s swimming costumes so much, he’s probably imagining himself in all the lingerie he’s buying for you.

Google AGP - autogynephilia. I can’t help wondering if he’s started watching a particular type of porn in the last year.

Men who like cross dressing tend to escalate with the slightest bit of acceptance or encouragement - or indeed without it.

These are serious issues in your marriage, and I think you need to pay attention to them and think about whether this is really how you want to live. Coercive control, sexually coercive, gaslighting, a lingerie fetish that probably isn’t restricted to you being the one in the lingerie… this is not good.

TheShellBeach · 08/05/2024 12:22

Princess12365837 · 08/05/2024 11:47

He trying to spice up your love life he trying keep spark going take it as a compliment he trying with you and not looking eles where at lot of men these days don't do that

You're not serious!

Wishimaywishimight · 08/05/2024 12:24

Tell him you're not a toddler and will chose your own clothes. If he keeps banging on about it tell him to bugger off and stop annoying you.

But yes, I would find this controlling. Your body = your clothes.

Wishimaywishimight · 08/05/2024 12:25

Princess12365837 · 08/05/2024 11:47

He trying to spice up your love life he trying keep spark going take it as a compliment he trying with you and not looking eles where at lot of men these days don't do that

I find it really difficult to believe a woman wrote this.

You should be thankful he's encouraging you to wear nice underwear so he won't go and shag someone else?