Ex has reappeared with heartfelt apology and promise to change

[Rapscall]

My ex boyfriend has made contact with me with a very heartfelt apology and what seems like genuine remorse. He treated me pretty bad during our relationship but seems to be able to see those issues clearly now and that they lie with him. Do you think people can change?

It's a cliché but Leopards Don't Change Their Spots.

I learned this the hard way. Someone who I had left due to abuse literally came to find me in another country to beg me to come back, saying it would all be different.

I went back, he was on his best behaviour for about three months then resumed being abusive. It was a tough but valuable lesson.

Nooooooo. Don’t do it. He’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Sorry for abuse that is

I remember having a new bf and a month in he got really drunk and abusive one night. I dumped him. He cried and begged for forgiveness. I got back (felt bad for him) and six months later when we were living together it became a regular thing. No one knows if he can change but this happened me twice (one guy not abusive just lazy!) He may have changed but j would proceed with caution!

No. Laugh in his face.

He might think he understands what he did wrong. He may intend to be different. But unless he's already put the work in, it's almost inevitable that he will slide back into how he behaved when you were together before, and, worse still, he will then deny any of the things that he's saying now.

Going back is almost always a mistake. You can't cross the same river twice and all that...

Translation for his heartfelt remorseful apology -

'I was amazed to find that no other woman would put up with my shitty ways so I've come back crawling to you and give it a couple of weeks and I'll be back to being abusive to you again.'

This 100%.

A promise to change means he hasn’t changed yet. Don’t go back because only he can change himself and it takes time and effort to do so.

If he’s changing for you then it’s a matter of time before he lets the mask slip and uses it against you. You can’t change him and he’s had his chance. Getting together with a new bf should be exciting and fun, not full of baggage and fear that the old behaviour will return.

It’s probably code for wanting a shag tbh

If be treated you horribly then why would you ever go back?

YOU need to change.
Stop taking unnecessary risks on bad investments.

Even if he could magically become a nice person? So what? Doesn't mean you try again with someone who made you feel shitty before.

Its OK to be single.

Yes, I think people can change. But those who genuinely have, don't contact their exes to tell them about it and use it as a bargaining chip to get what they want.

Why would you go back to someone who treated you pretty badly? How could you want that person back in your life under any circumstances? And while he might have changed, the chances that he has are quite slim: past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

Yep, first post was right as usual.

How did he manage to make contact? Block his number now.

He's hoovering. They often try this after a bit and they've seen the grass isn't greener. Don't fall for it, he's an ex for a reason.

Honestly, this is 100% THE difference between women who end up in good, positive, mutually supportive loving relationships and women who don’t.

Every single one of the women who end up being the ones saying ‘how is it that I always end up with the shitbags’ ‘Why can I never meet a good one’ etc etc. - the real key difference is this basic basic FILTER and this post is a fantastic example of it.

Not victim blaming by the way. There are many many reasons why that filter doesn’t work as it should and that’s a whole discussion around self esteem and learned behaviour and lots more.

But. The women who end up in good relationships and who DON’T ‘always seem to attract arseholes’-? They wouldn’t have posted this. It wouldn’t even be a possibility. They’d never even consider actually rolling over and saying yes, ok, you literally showed me that you are ok with, even enjoyed treating me like a piece of shit, but I will still look at that reality and somehow make it an acceptable future for myself. I’ll actually tie myself in knots thinking of a justification, because it wouldn’t occur to me to just think ‘urgh, you’re a shit, why the hell would I?’

OP it is so simple, who cares if people can change? There are millions of people out there who you have a clean slate with, and you’re seriously considering investing your one precious life in one of the very few who have already tainted what your mutual relationship could be? Who have already showed you that they are absolutely low-grade? Why?!

How long ago was the break up and why did you break up? It's very relevant.

If it's been years and involving cheating. He may well have changed. People do grow and mature. If it was physical violence...I don't think people can ever change that. I think it can lay dormant and with certain triggers can return worse then before. If it was addiction. That's always there as well.

But - depending on the reasons for ending it , you may never be able to trust him. Trust needs to be there. And, not only with fidelity but trusting that he won't disrespect or hurt you intentionally.

With a new relationship, there's usually a mutual respect and trust which grows as does the relationship.

Don't rush into anything. Take your time and feel out the situation.

It's lovely that he's apologised, it's lovely that he wants to change, but he can behave differently with someone else, not you.

If you wade back into this river, old patterns are likely to resurface because early patterns go deep. In stress, in the sane circumstances (going out with you) they tend to resurface. It's too easy to slip back.

Or, he's just bullshitting.

Don't go back, not to someone who treated you badly. It could be different if you'd had a respectful relationship, grown apart and then realised you missed each other. But you didn't. He treated you badly.

You go forward elsewhere (and make sure your boundaries are good) and tell him he needs to do the same.

A (former?) friend of mine took back her ex who she discovered had cheated on her. There had been lots of other bad behaviour too, stonewalling, blocking etc before this.

He'd been in therapy so she decided to give it another chance. Said he's completely changed now. It's been almost a year now and everything looks good judging from her social media photos. But who knows and she barely speaks to me these days.

But maybe it can work in some circumstances if you're willing to take a risk.

Even if he has changed you deserve better. You deserve someone that has never treated you like shite and therefore never has to come crawling back.

There are billions of people in the world. Probably 10s of thousands who live near you and are age appropriate and a compatible sexuality. Why would you pick one of the ones that you already know is a bit crap? Even a gamble on a stranger is more likely to result in a decent relationship!

Surely if he truly recognised how awful he was to you and wanted you to be happy he'd leave you alone?

He's not thinking of you and your happiness, just HIS!

Years ago I had CBT. The therapist told me she thought that people had 'great capacity for change'.
I thought it was debatable then; I know it's an absolute pile of shite now.
People don't change. Once they've exposed their real selves-that is them, warts and all, and they stay warty.

No, never go back, he treated you shit the first time and will do the exact same this time.