Ex has reappeared with heartfelt apology and promise to change

[Rapscall]

My ex boyfriend has made contact with me with a very heartfelt apology and what seems like genuine remorse. He treated me pretty bad during our relationship but seems to be able to see those issues clearly now and that they lie with him. Do you think people can change?

Don’t go back, it won’t change. If anything it could be worse as he will know how to talk you round.

This.

Tell him to fuck off and shove his apology up his arse

He hasn’t changed he’s hoovering you back in before he slips back to his old ways. Don’t fall for it

People can only change if a) they 100% fully accept that they need to and b) they are willing to put the work in.

An apologyy is, frankly, meaningless without some evidence of change.

You don't say how he treated you badly so it's hard to advise on specific things to look out for. But has he provided you with specific evidence of how he has changed? If he was a slacker who expected you to pick up all the bills does he now have a job, and a record of financial responsibility? Did he turn up not just with an apology but with a gift/flowers and invitation to dinner?

If he was a slacker because he only wanted to spend time with you on his terms, how is that going to change? Has he suggested that as he knows you love bowling he would love to join your bowling club? Or has he cut back on his 5 nights a week football?

Because basically, right now, an apology doesn't really tell you anything and changing is extraordinarily difficult so I'm not optimistic.

First post nailed it.

You know he can change. Change from being the nice guy you first met to the one who treated you badly. He changed back to the real him.

It's more likely he wants to change, but hasn't.

It's really hard for people to change their behaviour, very common for them to want to.

Avoid.

Ha - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

No, they don't change!

No. Zero tolerance, it isn’t worth it.

Why would you choose someone who you know has chosen - chosen - to treat you badly previously?

People can change; you don't say how old he was when you were together and sometimes maturity makes a person see where they went wrong. However, I would be wary. Whatever you do, don't let him move in. Seeing him for the odd date, if you want to, is more than sufficient. Do be careful and independent. If you fancy seeing other people, do so. Just be 'friends' and see how it goes.

Good luck.

Not a chance.

A thanks but no thanks is in order here.

Op he will change for as long as it suits him it won't be a long term thing.

You escaped once, don't go back. In my experience people know when they're behaving badly and will do as much as they can get away with.

This!

My first thought was that his new squeeze has kicked him to the curb and he needs somewhere to lay his head for a while.

^^
He thinks you’ll do for the meantime 🙄

A very old saying.....a leopard doesn't change its spots. Same with your ex, he won't change long term. Avoid

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Accept his apology by all means if you feel it's sincere. Words are cheap though. Taking him back sounds like an incredibly bad idea. I've known various people with abusive personalities and I can't recall any that have fundamentally and permanently changed.

How long ago did you seperate OP? What was the context of the breakup? It's impossible to give fair advice without more context

So many variables here. People can change but not everyone who says they have has changed. I'd be very wary

WTF is a “promise to change” you either change and put the hard work in or you don’t. Saying you could change if you give the relationship another go is vile and manipulative. Tell him to bog off.

I mean what has he done to change?

Has he attended therapy? Got help for his abusive behaviour? Is he in long term DV counselling? Has he done any behaviour modification courses? No, I’m guessing not. And he shouldn’t promise to do them if you get back together he should already be doing them / have done them.

Urgh men like that suck. Work on your self esteem and find a man who isn’t a walking red flag. Don’t become another statistic.

Nah. He's just been booted out by his latest girlfriend and he fancies a shag.

Agree, more info is needed as to what led to this becoming bad etc...

But people can change and they do. If my ex GF told my ex wife what sort of person I was with her (and it was very good), I don't think my ex-wife would believe me! The divorce I went through changed me as a person and my entire outlook on life. Even the kids have seen a positive change in me. So I would say 100% that yes, people can change and often deserve a second chance.

The only caveat would be about you two together. I think my wife and I became toxic together and there was a lot of resentment at the time from both. If we got back together tomorrow, would the 'old me' take over from the new me as a lot of our issues were situational and how we related to one another. I genuinely do not know as I don't know if she has improved as a person since the split. Maybe we are two different people and it could work, maybe it's just the chemistry between us isn't right.

But if you think you still love him and would like to try again, and he is demonstrating change then you give him clear boundaries and if things change then he is out for good.

Nope. Nope nope nope.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.

Of course people can change

working out if the change is permanent is the hard bit

Chaps like this are convinced that there's a queue of women willing to put up with their bullsh!t treatment and when they find it isn't the case, they start trawling their exes.

You deserve so much better than this. Don't get sucked in.

"Thanks for your apology but no, I'm not interested in getting back with you."

You'd be crazy to go back, knowing what you know.