What kind of therapist does my DH need to see?

[milesmachine]

Bit of a goady thread title but I'd appreciate some advice!

My DH is generally a kind and loving husband and father but has always struggled to manage stress. He will get very upset and angry over small things that I would consider insignificant

Since having children he's become very aware of the impact and atmosphere this can cause in the household so suppresses it but I can see by his mannerisms he is still getting cross and he's not really dealing with the root cause

Recently he's also showing classic signs of anxiety although says he doesn't feel anxious (doesn't have panic attacks or feels his heart beating out of his chest)

He's agreed to see someone professionally as recognised his dad was also like this and they had a fractious relationship he doesn't want to repeat with our DC

But I don't know where to start. I've no idea what sort of therapist he needs to speak to? We're lucky enough to have private healthcare through work but when I've rung they've asked what sort of appointment we want and I don't really know!

Can anyone suggest a type of therapy they've had success with in managing stress/anger and anxiety?
Thank you

What kind of anger are you talking about? How does it manifest? What’s he like when he is suppressing it?

If he acknowledges that he has an issue that needs addressing, why isn’t he organising his own therapist?

For context, my exH also “struggled with anger” and “anxiety” when he was “stressed”.

Hi, thanks for the reply.

No, he's not at all as you might be intimating. Never abusive, never once called me names or really shouts.

It's more his tolerance bar for naughty kids behaviour or something not being done around the house is ridiculously low. He gets wound up and tells them off (again, never shouty but cross, quick to go straight to 'no tv for a week' 'no dinner' etc). He'll mutter to himself and stomp about.

When he tries to suppress it I can see him furiously cleaning up or moving things around and fidgeting to I can see he's still angry and cross.

I am organising as it's my private healthcare but he is going to the GPs for referral. They have also asked what sort of therapy he feels he needs so not very helpful

Does he struggle with anything else?

How does he feel in situations when he can't fidget?

Is he impulsive in other ways, as well as angry outbursts?

sounds like a psychodynamic therapist? He is repeating learnt destructive behaviour

He doesn't struggle with concentration and isn't particularly impulsive (quite the opposite actually)

I don't think I've taken notice of what he does if he can't fidget. Fidget is perhaps the wrong word. It's reorganising things to hand that don't need it. Like the table is already laid and he'll be things half an inch or swap table mats etc.

I'd also say he'll get cross in the car a lot too. We'll not get two roads aware before he's moaning at someone doing something small and minor and can't let it go (never escalates into road rage)

The reason this has come to a head is I've noticed small signs of anxiety and it's opened a wider discussion where he's agreed he doesn't want to keep going on tempering himself and needs to find a way of calming himself down or, ideally not getting so angry at small things in the first place

It's definitely learned behaviour.

His dad is exactly the same and DH often berates him for it but can also see he reacts exactly the same way.

if it was me I'd want psychodynamic psychotherapy with a UKCP approved psychotherapist or Counselling Psychologist who has trained in this.

Thank you @Renamed and @HappyHedgehog247

I've just had a quick Google and this does sound like what is needed

He is the eldest of 4 and was very unwell as a child so I think there is a lot to unpack there. His parents also have a strange parent/child relationship with each other which I think he is unconsciously trying to repeat with me.

Like father, like son. That is what your H learnt about relationships when he was growing up. This is deeply rooted. His children could well end up having a fractious relationship with him when adult particularly if he does not now address the relationship with his own father along with taking responsibility for his actions and choices. He does not behave like this at work does he?.

I would get him to look at the BACP website and find a therapist that way; he should speak to a few and choose one to work with with due care. Many GPs are simply not up to speed on this type of issue.

It could well be that your children learn to act like this from dad too. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching your children here?.

How does he get on with his other siblings these days?.

re your comment:
"His parents also have a strange parent/child relationship with each other which I think he is unconsciously trying to repeat with me".

How do his parents behave towards you?.

He is indeed doing that because that is only what he knows. Therapy for him is going to be hard and painful but if he does want to change, he is really going to have to put a lot of hard and sometimes painful work in. And it will take a long time.

I would 100% say CBT.

CBT will work on strategies to stop behaviour rather than a deep dive into his past.

Goady question here but why are you researching this? Is it not his responsibility to find a suitable therapist? It doesn't bode well for all the work that the therapist will expect him to do to actively change his behaviour if he's not even doing the initial work to find the right therapist himself.

I disagree- the fact he recognises and is willing to change is brilliant. Most adults I know don’t have that capacity for self reflection. Also, I imagine OP is researching cause she wants to, not cause the dh expects her to.

@milesmachine a couple of people have recommended psychodynamic therapy; it might be worth googling to find out a bit more about this before going down that road.

Thanks for the replies. To answer your questions
-the children are very young at the moment (toddlers) and seem well balanced and happy children but he recognises he doesn't want them to not feel like they can come to him, the way he did with his dad growing up
-his relationship with his siblings is ok but he very much has an attitude of 'they don't do this for me so why should I put myself out for them' whereas I would always give people the benefit of the doubt-he will always see the worst in people
-his parents are wonderful to me and both treat me like a daughter. His dad is not the man he was growing up but the damage has already been done
-I'm looking into this as it's my private healthcare, I have the day off and DH is currently in bed with covid but we have discussed this and I'm in way pushing this onto him

Thanks @JeepSleeHack

I have read about CBT too. I'm not sure which would be best but I guess that is for him to decide

I do think there's a lot rooted in his past but I don't know if he just wants to reset the behaviour or understand why he reacts in the way he does

An integrative therapist will combine different approaches. That may be helpful? Finding the right person is really the most important thing.

Hi OP he needs to see a clinical therapist/phycologist and not some counsellor who won’t be able to give him direction.

This will be 100% connected with his dad and they will need to explore that relationship. How we were raised as a child completely shapes us as adults.

A fantastic book called ‘Doing the work’ by Dr Nicole LePera’ looks at these dynamics and how to change them. Lots and lots of tips and retraining out brain when stressed //triggered

For what it’s worth, my parents were just amazing but I found parenting small children incredibly overwhelming. The sensory impact was too much. I became really reactive and my stress would go through the roof.

I had CBT as a young adult but as a parent I still applied it. So I could notice and understand physical reactions in my body, I could see how my thoughts perpetuated the cycle of body> thought > behaviour and I could find strategies to break that cycle. A good CBT therapist will still explore the context and history of how your dh is acting, but you won’t end up in years of deep work like you may with psychodynamic therapy.

I'd visit a couple of the big counselling register websites - BACP and UKCP have already been mentioned. They will probably help to guide you to the right modality.

Counselling and psychotherapy is not regulated in the UK but the larger registers are all accredited and a good place to start.

Not sure why @Hugosmaid thinks counsellors can't give direction. Sure, some are better than others, but there's nothing in the OP to suggest clinical intervention is needed at this stage.

I would suggest he sees someone who can do mixed methods. I saw a counsellor who specialised in trauma and PTSD, but brought in aspects of other methods such as art therapy and CBT, it was extremely helpful for me.

Have a look at CAT therapy. A mix of CBT approach and some psychodynamic too. Also it's given a distinct time frame and stages so is good for an outcome. I'm

Along with the therapy, does he exercise at all?
He seems to have need for a release of the anxious 'energy' he has. There's a scientific basis for it. It's all the stress hormones which gear the body up for action (fight or flight) so the body needs to move. This will help to release the energy/hormones and give him capacity to cope with more stress.
He should be doing regular exercise if he isn't.

Just personal experience. I’ve seen a few councillors over the years who were all very nice and sympathetic and let me talk about what was currently happening in my life at the moment. But there was no clear path or plan for me to work with. It was just venting sessions with a few thoughtful questions for me to ponder by myself with no real outcomes to the session. (NHS)

I’ve seen to two amazing psychologists ( one NHS & one private) who immediately said my issues were actually rooted in my childhood and to sort out my present I had to look in the past. They were able to show me in a psychological way why I was behaving the way I was and how to change my behaviours and actions. Clear points to work on. Recourses to read. I’m just found it was a better experience, a more productive one.

Im not saying OP husband needs clinical intervention I just think - from my personal experience- clinical psychologists were in a different league.

And it’s expensive so I’d always advocate what my experience was.