Hand hold after narcissistic abuse

[justfindingmyway]

Hey everyone,

Just in hope and need of some kind words and stories from fellow MN’s.

I am feeling so emotionally broken after the final end of an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I’ve lived with for 4 years, been with almost six. My opinions never mattered, I was always beneath him and what he said went. He could act how he liked towards me and if I ever acted the same, I would get ‘see!? YOU’RE the abusive one!’. He’d cackle during arguments, mock and mimic my voice, no accountability for anything, it was always my fault no matter how he behaved. Drove like a maniac if I ‘angered’ him, broke a door handle clean off and denied it happened, told me I had nothing before I met him. He could go for months making it all, so much so I agreed to get engaged. Then, when it all got too much and I tried to at least discuss delaying a wedding we’d booked because I KNEW in my gut that I had at least some self-preservation and couldn’t commit to this man, he kicked off then as well, all the guilt and shaming that I’d do such a thing, so I carried on. Finally. I cancelled it for another reason that just felt like the final blow that I don’t feel I can say here as I don’t want to cause any upset to anyone.

after all of this, he’s still managing to torture me by saying he’s ending it, kicking me to the dirt, because how could I be so disgusting to cancel a wedding and make another huge decision (believe me, the most heart breaking decision of my life). And I feel like such a doormat because I believe him! I’m feeling like oh my goodness, what if he’s right and I’ll never do any better! That I was the problem all along! I can’t seem to self soothe, or find any kind of self respect in all of this. Even through all of that, I’m allowing myself to think I’m the one being abandoned, discarded etc. and how he’s right to do so.
Why is this? Is it this awful trauma bond people talk about?

sorry for the lengthy message. I feel so beaten down, isolated and lonely. I can’t eat, and I tremble at the sight of him as he now treats me more like garbage than ever before, even berating my existence as unwanted and irritating to him. It’s just gotten worse and worse since I called off the wedding and I realise now I’m worthless to him, perhaps because I’ve humiliated him or discarded him with the wedding and another decision.

i know I can’t be with this man, but I’d so love some support and kind words for how I’m feeling right now. It’s the lowest I’ve ever felt. Tired, beaten down, worthless and damaged.

he’ll be buying me out of our house. And despite being joint owners, will fight for more than 50% of the equity.

Will I ever heal and move on? X

Given it’s so early in the am I won’t write an essay, but I have escaped an abusive marriage and the one thing I would say is, stop trying to figure anything out on a mental level until you are physically away from him and have been for some time.

you need rest, distance and sleep and when you have that you will be able to see this so clearly for what it is that you 100% do not need to worry.

you did the right thing not marrying him and on some level you know exactly what’s what. So trust yourself, get away, and don’t worry about the house sale. He won’t be able to get more than half if you’re joint tenants. The law is a lot simpler when not married when it comes to property.

Also - yes you will be able to heal and move on as soon as you are out.

ignore everything he says. Watch dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube and learn how to grey rock. Life is so much sweeter on the other side trust me.

Thank you. I really needed this. I think still being in the same house is what’s breaking me and causing me to still seek his approval as I’m a people pleaser by nature and despite it all I’m not not wanting the coldness as all I need right now is support, love and warmth. I can get it from family luckily. As for giving it to myself, no amount of self affirmations seem to work. I simply cannot seem to love myself right now x

You already are loving yourself by not marrying him - that’s huge.

you just can’t feel it right now because you’re still in it and you’re not safe. You will be amazed how quickly things turn around once you’re out of it.

Thank you. I know somewhere in me that you’re right and I’ll make this out alive. But because I’m so drained mentally and losing so much weight now, sleepless nights etc, I can’t see the end of it. I think I need to just get back to my parent’s place asap despite all the upheaval. But I can barely function right now. I should be skipping out the door really shouldn’t I, but I feel dependent on him right now which is sickening. I have to break that down

I remember being told I wouldn't do any better. But I'd rather be where I am now (happily single) than back there. I also can do (and have done) a lot better (the super hot pilot proved that).

We stayed in the same house after we split (he said I should be the one to move out because he had been told if he moves out he wouldn't get what he deserves) and I didn't feel free until I was on my own. He kept treating me like shit, expecting me to do things a wife would do then in the next sentence tell me we're not together.

Time is a great healer. Once you're out you'll slowly start feeling like you again. That step is the hardest to get to though.

Thank you for sharing. It’s shaken my belief now that I’ll ever meet a good man so the things he says do cut at those doubts.

I’m so frightened about what lies ahead x

Just wanted to say I’m here with a hand hold. I started a thread a couple of days ago about my relationship, I’ve since gone in to take a break away from my OH. Posters mentioned narcissism, and I’ve been doing lots of reading and watching you tube videos about this and as much as I don’t want to admit it, he has got lots of narcissistic traits.

I’m finding the time away from him hard, but it’s given me the clarity to see things from a different perspective. I’ve also confided in a friend in real life. Have you talked to anyone about what you’ve been through? Please do not feel embarrassed and ashamed, and seek out support. I’ve been watching a lady called Amy Kerr on YouTube and she’s got lots of videos on toxic relationships, trauma bonding, leaving and moving on from dysfunctional relationships. I’ve found her really helpful.

You said about going to your parents, I think that’s a great idea just to give you some space and for them to support you. I won’t lie, it’s hard, really hard, but give yourself this time and space to see how you feel without him around.

Good luck OP, sending love and strength your way.

Thank you. It helps to know I’m not alone. I’m really not coping well. I am hardly able to eat, it’s like I’ve just gone into total shut down physically. Mentally the pain is the worst I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been talking to friends and family, in fact I wonder if I’ve overshared?? Is that a thing if you’re going through something like this? So I even feel guilty for that.

how are you? How are you coping? I’ll be sure to check out the videos. I have to be careful though as I’m finding I’m falling down a hole of watching videos, listening to audiobooks, tiktok videos. I think I obsess. I watch them for my whole evenings when something goes wrong. I feel like I’m going crazy x

Please honestly find a way to physically get out. Don’t even think about what happens afterwards, just do not physically be around him and you will stop feeling like you’re crazy.

trust me honestly I have been in exactly the same position.

I’ve said very little to anyone, except my closest friend. No one would believe me, and it would fit his narrative that I’m a psycho bunny boiler who is jealous and paranoid and made his life a misery. It’s a tricky one, I’m quite a private person, but have found opening up on my thread and to my friend helpful.

No one can advise you what to do, that’s your decision, but it sounds like you would be better with the support of your family.

Try and take each moment, each hour at a time. It will get easier I promise.

It's scary but from someone who has done it, the scariest thing now is getting rid of spiders (I suffer from arachnophobia). It's a long hard road but when you get there it's such a massive relief.

There are good men out there, there are men that treat a woman with love and respect.

The hardest step is taking that first step.

You will definitely start to feel much better once you have your own space and are away from him chipping away at your self-belief constantly.

People with narcissistic traits are so wrapped up in their own importance that they will say things that are utterly vile - the sort of things normal people would never consider saying - or completely without basis in fact while appearing absolutely certain that what they are saying is true. They'll seem so convinced that you can start to doubt yourself.

Funnily enough, they will often later retract what they said (when they want something from you again), saying they were just upset and didn't mean it, or that you must have misunderstood them.

You're lucky that you have no kids with him as you can deal with the house sale etc through lawyers. The very best thing you can possibly do is cut all contact with him. There is absolutely no benefit in giving him any access to your mental space.

Years on, my ex (who I sadly do have children with) is still trying to mess with my head, get me and even my family members to facilitate his life for him and sulking because I don't want to be friends with him. He seems to have completely forgotten all the disgusting insults and groundless accusations he flung when we were together, the fact that he lied to me for years, etc, and cannot understand why I don't think he's a great guy.

He also doesn't understand why I think it's bizarre that someone who had so many vile things to say about me wants to maintain a relationship with me anyway. He can't recognise that his real motivation for wanting to maintain a relationship with me is only so that he can continue to try to use me.

You have to learn to recognise that his words carry no weight. They're just empty noise, the angry buzzing of flies. There's no truth or insight in them; they mean nothing. The best thing you can do is cut him off so you are not being exposed to his nonsense any more.

A wound can't heal with the knife still in it.

If be very aware that they like to say they will do things and then move the goalposts.
Right now it suits him to be there and you, stuck there too. So of course he will say he is buying you out. But what proof have you of steps he us taking to do so?

If I were you, I'd look into selling the property and dividing the assets. Certainly see a solicitor ASAP.

Yes, yes you will. I had exactly the same behaviour from my now exH - the mimicking of my voice, face pulling, facetious comments, laughing at me, he was so vile and controlling (thankfully he had an affair) that out actual divorce went to Crown Court. My gut told me many times his behaviour was unacceptable but I didn't listen.
I am now many years free of him, but managed to co-parent (with great difficulty in the beginning - court orders needed for kids and CM etc)

You are stronger than me, you have got yourself out of it before you're stuck.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT ALWAYS - it's never wrong. Well done for being so strong. You WILL meet another man who is worthy of your time, love and affection as life moves on, even if we don't want it to. Stay strong-you are amazing. Good luck.

Thank you for replying 😘sorry things have been tough. That’s useful advice regarding seeing the voice as just noise. Currently it’s really slashing at my heart, the things he’s saying, so perhaps in my mind I should just think oh here we go again.

the latest one is he has lots of money and I could do a heck of a lot worse. He’s also saying my expectations in a relationship are unrealistic. Why on earth do I let him get in my head!!!

Thanks For your support. I’m going to try to clear some space at my mum’s asap. I’ll still have to come back to the house to work for a bit, but he won’t be there so hopefully it’ll be ok. I just feel a bit dad knowing my home will be taken from me xx but a house isn’t a home whilst I’m being made to feel so anxious and heightened is it xx

Thank you. I know it sounds silly but what kind of solicitor do I need? And do I just get my own without telling him? Thanks for your help and advice 😊

Thank you so much. No don’t feel I’m stronger, it’s not that. It also takes a great deal of bloody resilience to be able to endure their crap! I’m not meaning anyone should stick around, but you got through that with even more challenges, that’s incredible!! I’d absolutely crumble with children around through all of this. And I can only imagine you’d just feel so protective of them that you’d constantly be in ‘fight’ mode! Thank you for your kind words. These comments are a lovely parallel to my current daily life. I could’ve cried during my walk home from the train station tonight, at the very thought of walking thru the front door xx

Thank you my lovely. If you need to share anything and it’s easier to do so to on here, my inbox is open if you just need to talk and someone to listen xxx sending you strength and love

Your last post rings so true to my emotions at the time. I cried because I felt so lonely in a marriage (not thinking for a second there was an OW. I was exposed to 'passive aggressive affection' at an age where I had no experience of emotions on that level. It was also interspersed with lots of hugely funny and entertaining engagement between us. I know for a fact I am the sort of person who would have suffered for my children's entire lives, to ensure that they were brought up in a family home, and it would never have been the one to instigate a split. I was blamed and gaslit into being the reason for the affair (no particular incident or reason was ever given, but it was admitted that arguments were started on purpose, 'so he could decide' - but really it was a mid life crisis and he had started dabbling with ecstasy and coke. WTAF!!!
I was then told he thought he was 'in love with two people'. It was me who laughed in disbelief at that one. By this point is was comical and I told him to shove it up his arse and now he could love ONE. I started divorce proceeding without a second thought after this. I knew I could never forgive. I've always had my sense of humour and it's saved me, many, many times. Being with a 'funny' man, who people gravitate towards, is very hard to leave, but honestly he was like a Jeckyl and Hyde character. Could just go off one one, with no warning whatsoever. Anyway, I got the last laugh as he's now shitting himself realising that he will have to be among all my family and friends when DC get married, knowing they all hate him. I only know this through 3rd parties. He lost most of his after our spit. Karma, but it brings me no joy knowing my kids have a dad nobody respects. I am never kind to myself with praise, but I'm bloody proud of surviving this and keeping my kids emotionally stable. I was suicidal at the time. They know nothing of the horrendous split as they were so young, until they were much older. I've had various opportunities with other men over the years, but in all honesty, I'm done. I bloody love the peace of having the house to myself, and my cats and dogs, and my part time job. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I can only imagine how very difficult it is to have children with someone you realise later is not the person whom you thought they were. The Jekyll and Hyde part rings so true. I’ve no doubt his friends will think ‘what more did she want’ because in public he was chivalrous towards me and others, attentive and kind. It’s so sad, I know how he’s hurt me, frightened me, left my nervous system so reactive that the sound of the front door makes my stomach churn and gurgle, yet he still gets in my psyche and says ‘was I really that terrible’ ‘should you really have called off a wedding over this stuff’ ‘our relationship was fine, you imagined it’. And even though I lived it all, he still has that hold over me. Will it ever leave??

now a new game is ‘I would’ve given you everything, you could’ve had children with me and chosen whether or not you went back to work’, basically trying to make me feel I’ve made a huge mistake in called off the wedding. Because HE now wants to leave ME. He needs to feel ultimately like he discarded me in the end, and that he wasn’t bad towards me. I think he needs to fit his own warped narrative that everything is ALWAYS someone else’s fault.

my anxiety around all this is always worse in the mornings so please excuse my ramblings. Mornings are the time now where I’ve wished I wouldn’t wake up. If I didn’t have my lovely family, I’m not sure where I’d be right now x

‘our relationship was fine, you imagined it’

Ah, a narcissistic classic, along with
”I don’t remember saying/doing that”
”That doesn’t sound like me, are you sure you’re not thinking of an ex”
”Stop making a big deal out of nothing”
”Nothing/nobody would ever be good enough you”

All just ways to cause you to doubt yourself and think your own standards are too high (despite the fact that the real problem is that they’ve been far too low).

All you need to say is “Just because you don’t remember, it doesn’t mean I don’t remember”

How are you doing today?

Thank you for asking ♥️ I keep getting broken up again and again, honestly I go through heartbreak again each day! Because I still live in the house with him right now and haven’t moved to my mum’s, I’ll reach out to try to make it at least pleasant and if I’m honest, just being a bit of a doormat, he’ll switch between being slightly receptive, to just going off on a huge rant at me regarding how disgusting it is that I cancelled the wedding etc etc.

I’ll be honest and say despite how he is, it’s really hitting at my self esteem that he seems to have now literally completely discarded me altogether. I should be glad, but I feel so worthless and unloved!?

It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it. Have you got a time frame when you can leave and go to your mums?