Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold after narcissistic abuse

38 replies

justfindingmyway · 08/05/2024 04:19

Hey everyone,

Just in hope and need of some kind words and stories from fellow MN’s.

I am feeling so emotionally broken after the final end of an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I’ve lived with for 4 years, been with almost six. My opinions never mattered, I was always beneath him and what he said went. He could act how he liked towards me and if I ever acted the same, I would get ‘see!? YOU’RE the abusive one!’. He’d cackle during arguments, mock and mimic my voice, no accountability for anything, it was always my fault no matter how he behaved. Drove like a maniac if I ‘angered’ him, broke a door handle clean off and denied it happened, told me I had nothing before I met him. He could go for months making it all, so much so I agreed to get engaged. Then, when it all got too much and I tried to at least discuss delaying a wedding we’d booked because I KNEW in my gut that I had at least some self-preservation and couldn’t commit to this man, he kicked off then as well, all the guilt and shaming that I’d do such a thing, so I carried on. Finally. I cancelled it for another reason that just felt like the final blow that I don’t feel I can say here as I don’t want to cause any upset to anyone.

after all of this, he’s still managing to torture me by saying he’s ending it, kicking me to the dirt, because how could I be so disgusting to cancel a wedding and make another huge decision (believe me, the most heart breaking decision of my life). And I feel like such a doormat because I believe him! I’m feeling like oh my goodness, what if he’s right and I’ll never do any better! That I was the problem all along! I can’t seem to self soothe, or find any kind of self respect in all of this. Even through all of that, I’m allowing myself to think I’m the one being abandoned, discarded etc. and how he’s right to do so.
Why is this? Is it this awful trauma bond people talk about?

sorry for the lengthy message. I feel so beaten down, isolated and lonely. I can’t eat, and I tremble at the sight of him as he now treats me more like garbage than ever before, even berating my existence as unwanted and irritating to him. It’s just gotten worse and worse since I called off the wedding and I realise now I’m worthless to him, perhaps because I’ve humiliated him or discarded him with the wedding and another decision.

i know I can’t be with this man, but I’d so love some support and kind words for how I’m feeling right now. It’s the lowest I’ve ever felt. Tired, beaten down, worthless and damaged.

he’ll be buying me out of our house. And despite being joint owners, will fight for more than 50% of the equity.

Will I ever heal and move on? X

OP posts:
Original poster
justfindingmyway · 10/05/2024 10:36

AmberExpert · 09/05/2024 21:19

It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it. Have you got a time frame when you can leave and go to your mums?

this is the most awful thing that’s ever happened to my soul and wellbeing. I could go now really and I absolutely should be because he’s breaking my spirit. But I haven’t done it 😪I feel so weak right now, I don’t know how much more I can take, I can’t find the strength for anything, not even to save myself x

OP posts:
Liliberated · 10/05/2024 10:54

Yes you will heal. I grew up in a family like your ex. Men entitled, narcissistic, invalidating, gas lighting, bullying, sexually abusive, a mother with enough similar traits to keep it going and not protect her daughters.

You heal by realising, it’s them, not you and then get as far away as you can.

There are two really strong tactics that they employ that I found wreak havoc on recovery.

Firstly that personality type are constantly looking either for praise or to provoke a row (attention seeking in the extreme, either positive or negative attention they don’t care actually often negative is better), when the relationship fails it is usually provoking that gives them their kicks. Second they project their exact failings and flaws onto you, their victim so what they accuse you of is what they are guilty of themselves.

Learn to deal with these tactics, personally I do it by putting a boundary in place with myself that I will never ever engage with them or the many people who act as flying monkey for them because I am self aware enough to know that I would not be good at dealing with those tactics in the moment. I have great relationships now and even with other family members outside of them.

My sister went on to marry a man similar to how we were brought up because she has absolutely zero self preservation and so on and on goes the cycle.

It is that self preservation trait that will save you. There is an enormous grief just plough right through it. It is a grief with yourself and for them and the relationships. We all experience grief at some stage in our lives, don’t be afraid of it. You will be able to handle it. Start to believe in yourself again.

AmberExpert · 10/05/2024 13:35

justfindingmyway · 10/05/2024 10:36

this is the most awful thing that’s ever happened to my soul and wellbeing. I could go now really and I absolutely should be because he’s breaking my spirit. But I haven’t done it 😪I feel so weak right now, I don’t know how much more I can take, I can’t find the strength for anything, not even to save myself x

Show quote history

I know it’s horrendous isn’t it, and hard to think logically.

Can you pack a bag with a few bits, I took a couple of changes of clothes, underwear, nightwear and toiletries, when I went to my friends. You won’t need much, just the basics.

How far away from your mums are you, can she collect you or could you drive there. Just take small steps.

For me the inertia of being in limbo was horrendous, I felt like a was stuck in quick sand, but feel so much better for the space of being away.

Good luck, you can do this xx

Original poster
justfindingmyway · 11/05/2024 18:09

AmberExpert · 10/05/2024 13:35

I know it’s horrendous isn’t it, and hard to think logically.

Can you pack a bag with a few bits, I took a couple of changes of clothes, underwear, nightwear and toiletries, when I went to my friends. You won’t need much, just the basics.

How far away from your mums are you, can she collect you or could you drive there. Just take small steps.

For me the inertia of being in limbo was horrendous, I felt like a was stuck in quick sand, but feel so much better for the space of being away.

Good luck, you can do this xx

Show quote history

Thank you. I stayed at a friend’s this weekend, which has been nice. Stupidly, I called him. He’s so awful to me now, I don’t know why I do it to myself. It’s just constant berating. Then I said ok if this is how it is, we need to discuss the house. He hung up the phone on me. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall trying to communicate with a man in his late thirties. Imagine having children with such a man!!

OP posts:
Original poster
justfindingmyway · 11/05/2024 18:13

Liliberated · 10/05/2024 10:54

Yes you will heal. I grew up in a family like your ex. Men entitled, narcissistic, invalidating, gas lighting, bullying, sexually abusive, a mother with enough similar traits to keep it going and not protect her daughters.

You heal by realising, it’s them, not you and then get as far away as you can.

There are two really strong tactics that they employ that I found wreak havoc on recovery.

Firstly that personality type are constantly looking either for praise or to provoke a row (attention seeking in the extreme, either positive or negative attention they don’t care actually often negative is better), when the relationship fails it is usually provoking that gives them their kicks. Second they project their exact failings and flaws onto you, their victim so what they accuse you of is what they are guilty of themselves.

Learn to deal with these tactics, personally I do it by putting a boundary in place with myself that I will never ever engage with them or the many people who act as flying monkey for them because I am self aware enough to know that I would not be good at dealing with those tactics in the moment. I have great relationships now and even with other family members outside of them.

My sister went on to marry a man similar to how we were brought up because she has absolutely zero self preservation and so on and on goes the cycle.

It is that self preservation trait that will save you. There is an enormous grief just plough right through it. It is a grief with yourself and for them and the relationships. We all experience grief at some stage in our lives, don’t be afraid of it. You will be able to handle it. Start to believe in yourself again.

Thank you so much. He’s really ground away at my self belief. I know I’m a kind person and I know I couldn’t ever treat someone the way he has treated me.

Have you got any words of wisdom for moving forward in life now? I never want to be with such a man again, but I also don’t want to go forward so guarded that it’s impossible to meet the right one. I know I need some time, but I do ultimately want a life partner so it is on my mind xx

OP posts:
duende · 11/05/2024 19:25

CheekyHobson · 08/05/2024 19:15

You will definitely start to feel much better once you have your own space and are away from him chipping away at your self-belief constantly.

People with narcissistic traits are so wrapped up in their own importance that they will say things that are utterly vile - the sort of things normal people would never consider saying - or completely without basis in fact while appearing absolutely certain that what they are saying is true. They'll seem so convinced that you can start to doubt yourself.

Funnily enough, they will often later retract what they said (when they want something from you again), saying they were just upset and didn't mean it, or that you must have misunderstood them.

You're lucky that you have no kids with him as you can deal with the house sale etc through lawyers. The very best thing you can possibly do is cut all contact with him. There is absolutely no benefit in giving him any access to your mental space.

Years on, my ex (who I sadly do have children with) is still trying to mess with my head, get me and even my family members to facilitate his life for him and sulking because I don't want to be friends with him. He seems to have completely forgotten all the disgusting insults and groundless accusations he flung when we were together, the fact that he lied to me for years, etc, and cannot understand why I don't think he's a great guy.

He also doesn't understand why I think it's bizarre that someone who had so many vile things to say about me wants to maintain a relationship with me anyway. He can't recognise that his real motivation for wanting to maintain a relationship with me is only so that he can continue to try to use me.

You have to learn to recognise that his words carry no weight. They're just empty noise, the angry buzzing of flies. There's no truth or insight in them; they mean nothing. The best thing you can do is cut him off so you are not being exposed to his nonsense any more.

I’m also dealing with a narc ex and after some toxic, abusive messages from him today, I’ve found your post really helpful - thank you.

the vile things we says about me, the baseless accusations, it’s so hard to accept that there is no way to speak sense to him or to get him to treat me fairly.

I find it tricky wrapping my head around why someone would behave in such a horrible way. Therapy helps but it’s taking time.

Helps to see my experience is not unique and I am not going crazy…

Helengreggregson · 11/05/2024 19:41

Here with a hand hold. Sorry you are going through this. You have 100 percent dodged a bullet by not marrying this person. I’m just so glad for you that you didn’t. It doesn’t feel like it now but you will heal and come through this.

FarFlungKit · 11/05/2024 19:59

The less contact you have with him the faster you will heal. Zero contact would accelerate this no end.

Original poster
justfindingmyway · 13/05/2024 19:18

Helengreggregson · 11/05/2024 19:41

Here with a hand hold. Sorry you are going through this. You have 100 percent dodged a bullet by not marrying this person. I’m just so glad for you that you didn’t. It doesn’t feel like it now but you will heal and come through this.

Thank you Helen for your words of support. I hope there’s a happy ending waiting for me someday xx

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 13/05/2024 19:47

Many wise words for you on this thread, OP, so I will just add my voice to say Please get out as quickly as you can. Tomorrow, ideally.

Even if you can only take all essential documents and a few treasured possessions. Anything else can be replaced. Just go, even if you have to sleep on a friend’s or a relative’s sofa.

You have to get away from
him before you can start healing.

Best of luck xx

Original poster
justfindingmyway · 23/05/2024 08:35

Ofcourseshecan · 13/05/2024 19:47

Many wise words for you on this thread, OP, so I will just add my voice to say Please get out as quickly as you can. Tomorrow, ideally.

Even if you can only take all essential documents and a few treasured possessions. Anything else can be replaced. Just go, even if you have to sleep on a friend’s or a relative’s sofa.

You have to get away from
him before you can start healing.

Best of luck xx

Thank you 😘 I have so far failed to do so, I think I am making the excuse that my mum hasn't cleared space for me yet, but I know she'll have me right now. I think I am hooked on seeing him, even if there's no care or love from him. It is so f*cked up. I think it is this trauma bond I hear about, but I do get sceptical of the buzz words and hope I am not fabricating a reality that isn't there

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 23/05/2024 13:54

You've done so well so far and you will do even better once you are away from him and the house is sold. You listened to your gut.

I was a broken shell with a 6 month old when my narcisstic ex left. He was outraged that I didn't want him back. We are just characters in their story and they hate feeling that anyone has any agency. I felt so much better knowing I could live my life.

I've since had amazing things happen, holidays, bought and sold homes, have a career, all the things I would never have had with him. He knew he wasn't in my league. I do think he got off on breaking me down. Just thinking about him now makes my skin crawl.

I do hope you are the other side of this soon.

Original poster
justfindingmyway · 23/05/2024 14:00

user1471538283 · 23/05/2024 13:54

You've done so well so far and you will do even better once you are away from him and the house is sold. You listened to your gut.

I was a broken shell with a 6 month old when my narcisstic ex left. He was outraged that I didn't want him back. We are just characters in their story and they hate feeling that anyone has any agency. I felt so much better knowing I could live my life.

I've since had amazing things happen, holidays, bought and sold homes, have a career, all the things I would never have had with him. He knew he wasn't in my league. I do think he got off on breaking me down. Just thinking about him now makes my skin crawl.

I do hope you are the other side of this soon.

Thank you my lovely, that really means a lot and can't see myself whether I am doing well because I'm in the thick of it, and my self esteem is utterly rubbish right now.

I know I ought not to feel this way, but I am petrified about the future. I want all of the 'things' with the right person (marriage, children, a nice house) but I am so scared of what is 'out there' in your thirties.

May I ask if you felt that way? I know it is impossible, but if I had a crystal ball that said I'll find what I am looking for in good time, I feel I could focus more on myself, healing, my family, friends and career. But I am obsessing over 'what ifs' and very frightened I will be alone, which I know I do not want but SHOULD be ok with xx

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page