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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice

31 replies

Flute56 · 07/05/2024 23:28

without going into too much detail, I fancy someone I know and not sure if they fancy me. I am not very confident around someone I like and we do talk. I was paid a compliment by this person a while back about my appearance which took me by surprise and I did catch them looking at me briefly on another occasion. We did have a bit of a banter type conversation and that was nice but I am not sure what to make of it. Its a delicate situation and i am not sure about it

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 07/05/2024 23:37

Only way to know for sure is to keep chatting with them and try flirt a bit.
Does this person message you or try to start conversations with you regularly?
Sadly none of us will be able tk tell you for sure so only thing to do is keep the communication going and maybe ask them out. I know it can be scary but it’s the only way you’ll know for sure. If they say yes then great, if they say no then least you were brave enough to put yourself out there and then you’ll know for sure.

Original poster
Flute56 · 07/05/2024 23:43

Hiddenvoice · 07/05/2024 23:37

Only way to know for sure is to keep chatting with them and try flirt a bit.
Does this person message you or try to start conversations with you regularly?
Sadly none of us will be able tk tell you for sure so only thing to do is keep the communication going and maybe ask them out. I know it can be scary but it’s the only way you’ll know for sure. If they say yes then great, if they say no then least you were brave enough to put yourself out there and then you’ll know for sure.

We only speak verbally face to face

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 07/05/2024 23:45

Any chance of asking for their number and trying to talk/ text later on in the day?

VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 23:53

Delicate situation because they are not single?

Pinkbonbon · 08/05/2024 00:08

If you work with them and aren't in a position where you could leave and find a new job ASAP if it all all went really wrong somehow then I wouldnt.

Other than that...I'm guessing youre maybe quite young? Only, I remember in my teens..maybe my early 20s... being confused as to whether or not boys liked me. But I mean in adulthood it usually seems obvious one way or another.

If they like you they make time to talk to you, they focus their attention on you (not their phone) when you chat. They compliment you. They ask you lots of questions about you. They point out your similarities with them.

But really, you don't actually need to work it out. You can just go 'hey, you know I really enjoy your company. Would you maybe like to go out some time?'. Usually they'll say yes either way to be fair as they are flattered to be asked. But you can go on the date and see if there's a vibe or not.

Take initiative. Life is short.
Worst they can say is no.
In which case you go 'Fair enough,can't blame a girl for asking' plaster on a big smile, wink and change the subject.

Original poster
Flute56 · 08/05/2024 00:12

VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 23:53

Delicate situation because they are not single?

they are single. I dont think i want to go into it really

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 08/05/2024 00:18

i did once ask a guy out over the phone and he said no sorry I am going shopping with my mum. I later found out that was a lie because someone else said they saw him out playing football

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 08/05/2024 00:30

Flute56 · 08/05/2024 00:18

i did once ask a guy out over the phone and he said no sorry I am going shopping with my mum. I later found out that was a lie because someone else said they saw him out playing football

How old are you?... Sign up to the same after school club as your crush, to maximise your chances?

Pinkbonbon · 08/05/2024 01:04

Yeah teenage boys are a bit different as there's sometimes the added paranoia in them about what their friends will think... because of social cliques and all that. Can't date someone their mate fancies... can't date someone 'odd' in some way. Just some lads are like that, not all.

TheShellBeach · 08/05/2024 01:18

Flute, can you ask him out?

TheShellBeach · 08/05/2024 01:18

Do you work with him?

Hiddenvoice · 08/05/2024 06:54

Flute56 · 08/05/2024 00:18

i did once ask a guy out over the phone and he said no sorry I am going shopping with my mum. I later found out that was a lie because someone else said they saw him out playing football

When you ask someone out it’s usually to make plans in the future and not there and then. If someone’s politely declined and claimed to be doing something else then sadly you just accept they aren’t interested.

You can’t let this one interaction prevent you from getting to know other people and asking them out.
Ask for the persons number, if they like you either as a friend or more then they will share it with you. You can then build up your confidence more and ask them on a date.

baileys6904 · 08/05/2024 10:07

Without knowing the 'delicate' situation, I don't think anyone should be advising.

Delicate could mean 'he sits in the same office as me or he's my milkman' or delicate could mean ' he's my sisters ex who split last week after 20 years' or ' he's my teenagers best friend'

Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 19:41

Update, this person does talk to me but only as an aquaintance. They are a bit standoffish but very friendly to others. I do not know what that means. In the past and recently I have had a couple of compliments from this person and a few days ago we had quite a bit of banter. I am not sure what this all means. Are they just being polite and not interested in me as a friend or more or what

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 19:42

when you like someone you put up a sort of a guard so manye thats what they are doing. I attempted to talk to them recently and they did talk but as soon as someone else came along they said oh i must go and talk to so and so

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 19:43

I felt as if they were trying to get away from me

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 19/05/2024 19:45

They are not interested in you then. Move on.

Hiddenvoice · 19/05/2024 20:12

I’m sorry but if someone likes you then they try talk to you as often as they can, especially if others are around. I would expect them to try gravitate to you.

If they see you as more of an acquaintance then I’m sorry to say that I don’t think they are interested and maybe just being friendly. I would try to move on.

Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 23:10

Hiddenvoice · 19/05/2024 20:12

I’m sorry but if someone likes you then they try talk to you as often as they can, especially if others are around. I would expect them to try gravitate to you.

If they see you as more of an acquaintance then I’m sorry to say that I don’t think they are interested and maybe just being friendly. I would try to move on.

Yes you are correct. I will ignore them from now on. Blowing hot nd cold is quite nasty

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 23:17

This has made me think what is wrong with me? Am I not a likeble person? I bet you next time I see this person they will be more friendly as they have been more friendly in the past, but you never know what issues people are going through in their personal life. (seems like I am making excuses for them).

I will never approach them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 23:21

Someone who says to you oh your hair looks lovely it really suits you and then practically ignores you the next. Something wrong there

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 19/05/2024 23:50

Ive just been reding some other threads on mumsnet about blowing hot and cold nd its nto just in relationships or potentil relationships, its friendships as well. Maybe I am too full on but I do not blow hot and cold. If I like someone in whatever way then I will be hot. However, when you meet someone and find out more about them nd realise you have nothing in common or they have certain insecurities then you call it a day with potential partners or friends. Life is too short for fuck heads

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 19/05/2024 23:55

I'm getting a vibe by how you describe things, that your are perhaps very black or white and maybe not good on subtle cues or seeing differences between politeness, and expressions of affection.
You've gone from thinking he might like you, to no he doesn't, very quickly. Also potentially deciding to cut them off entirely to the point of ignoring, when they have potentially only been polite to you on a few occasions.
Are you ND? That would explain your difficulties. If so, perhaps some coaching would help you to understand people better, you may need to actively learn about what comes naturally to others, which is a way of getting around these situations and understanding them better.

Original poster
Flute56 · 20/05/2024 00:12

Opentooffers · 19/05/2024 23:55

I'm getting a vibe by how you describe things, that your are perhaps very black or white and maybe not good on subtle cues or seeing differences between politeness, and expressions of affection.
You've gone from thinking he might like you, to no he doesn't, very quickly. Also potentially deciding to cut them off entirely to the point of ignoring, when they have potentially only been polite to you on a few occasions.
Are you ND? That would explain your difficulties. If so, perhaps some coaching would help you to understand people better, you may need to actively learn about what comes naturally to others, which is a way of getting around these situations and understanding them better.

what is ND? Maybe I do need to understand people better. Maybe I expect too much from people and fear rejection and think its me not them and maybe talking to someone might help. I think I am a friendly person, always willing to listen and help and when I am in contact with someone who seems friendly towards me and there is a bit of banter, I want it more and more and maybe thats not always the right attitude. I like people to have a laugh with and when I see someone I fancy it makes it worse but then when you actually get to know the person you find out that they are not your type after all and its false to try and be someone you are not just to get them to fancy you back because you wont be able to keep it up

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2024 00:16

The thing is though op, there's nothing to suggest they are blowing hot and cold.

It sounds more like they complimented you, just making conversation and then maybe realised you'd taken it as a sign of romantic interest so, backed off. I mean 'I felt as if they were trying to get away from me'. Yeah, probably because you were creeping them out.

This person owes you nothing. They were nice to you and as far as I can see, talk to you... and all of a sudden you've decided they are 'nasty'.

I think this is a you issue op.
As pp said, it all seems very black or white thinking wise. Maybe they are a nice person but guess what, you aren't the Feckenham centre if their universe. They want to talk to other people at work. Shocker.