Is this domestic abuse?

[JustSloth]

Hi

I've been with my husband for 17 years. Looking back there were incidents of physical violence but my confidence was so low I just accepted it. I was just glad somebody wanted to be with me. Pathetic I know. The incidents were;

Pulling me out of bed and dragging me across the floor leaving bruises.
Pushing me up against wall with hands around throat then pushing me and throwing a glass
Getting angry at me because KFC forgot to give us salt so I wanted to go back and get some so he put his foot down and sped of in the car , I didn't have my belt on and my door was still open so I could have fallen out. I was pregnant .
Hitting me on arm and telling me he would kill me and bury me in garden
Roughly grabbing me

There has been no physical violence for about 8 years. I did try and leave but he would always go back to being really nice.

Anyway we went on to have 4 kids. One of them has global development delay and my husband has never had patience. I have always thought he is too strict , he thinks I'm too soft. Our son is now 14 and has big meltdowns where he shouts, swears ,throws things. I can calm him down tho so it doesn't escalate. But his dad doesn't have the patience and will shout back , swear back , call him nasty names, threaten to hit him etc. This makes my son worse and he will get more angry and punch holes in the wall, breaks things etc.

Weve both done a parenting course and my husband did try the strategies for a few weeks but couldn't maintain it.

Last year I told him to leave but he got angry because our son came in the room as we were talking and refused to leave. Husband threatened to punch him in the mouth. I told him he can't talk to him like that and he would have to go tomorrow if he was going to be abusive. He then called me a bitch and said I was nasty for leaving him at Christmas.

I went to bed and he stayed downstairs and drank bottle of whiskey and bottle of wine. He came upstairs and called me vile names, deliberately farted on me and then kicked my legs away when I tried to get out of bed. The next morning he phoned his mum and she was nasty to me too, telling me I'm mad ( I have bipolar) , Im a bad mum , I'm lazy etc. Husband agreed and said I should be sectioned. I was so upset 😭. He went to his mum's for few days but came home apologising and being nice again and said he had been drunk etc that he wouldn't normally have acted like that.

I have asked him to leave since Christmas but he refuses and I'm stuck in the cycle. The other week he had an argument with our son again and told him he was going to rip his head off, etc.

We have a family support worker from Early Help who is aware of all this and has put husband on waiting list for more parenting courses.

Do I wait for him to do these courses in the hope he will change? Or do I get out now anyway ? He won't leave, and is mostly nice to me , no violence etc though he does slam doors, swears, shouts and has punched a hole in the wall. I am overwhelmed and stuck . Is this domestic abuse or poor anger management? He has stood by me through thick and thin and had lots of good times too .

Yes.
No. He won't change.
Get advice from one of the helplines.
Good luck.

All of this is domestic abuse. Do you see the Early Help worker alone? Have you talked to her about wanting to separate? He won't admit what he's doing and he will never change. Please talk to your local domestic abuse service for support and guidance.

All that you have written here describes domestic s

He needs divorcing from, not yet more parenting courses. Is this early help worker you have aware that you, and in turn your children, are being abused here?

This is domestic abuse and the emotional harm here also being done to your kids by him is incalculable.

It's domestic and child abuse. Your son is learning how to react from him. I would highly recommend that you speak to early help again and also a domestic violence service. He can't stay, he's dangerous. You can call 999 if he kicks off and you're scared of him. They'll take it seriously.

Yes the Early Help worker is aware of everything. She's going to visit my husband and son regularly to teach strategies on how to cope with anger. They will also do a year long course together once a week. My husband has agreed to all of this which makes me think I need to give him a chance but then again he's already done one course and he doesn't use the strategies. I'm not in love with him but I do love and care for him. These incidents aren't all the time but I never know when it will be.

You don't owe an abusive man any chances.

You've given him hundreds. When will you give YOU a chance? When will you give your kids a chance to have one safe home away from seeing their mother and sibling abused?

Get out of there and never look back.

Your early help worker does not recognise domestic abuse and her actions will not help your h or son who has learnt from his father how to be abusive.

You are likely to be codependent in this relationship and that state is not helping you either. You do not owe your h any thing now let alone another chance. Divorce him and save you and your kids

this is who he is. a support worker cannot 'teach' him how to not abuse you. women's aid, lawyer up and get rid.

Anger Management courses are no answer to domestic violence and likely perpetuate it further

Op do not try again what he has done is so awful he will never change, never, l cannot believe you think even one of those incidents is acceptable.
Your poor son is behaving like he does as he is in an abusive household. That is not your fault in any way, however you have stayed, please find a way to leave him for good.

So, he's had a parenting course already then couldn't be bothered to stick with it so your support worker thinks that more courses will work? This is ridiculous and your support worker should hang their head in shame at not recognising domestic abuse. A bad parent is NOT better than no parent. Why are you allowing your children to be abused within their own home where they should feel safe? You are showing your children an incredibly low bar for how relationships work and no amount of 'parenting' courses are going to work in a situation where an abuser rules the roost and undermines all your good work.
You should be referring yourself to WA or a local DV group for help there first. I'm sorry to sound harsh but what you are doing is setting up your children, and your poor son in particular, to repeat and model their own parenting on what they suffer here.

I would also add that your 'support' worker sounds dangerously out of their depth here and is placating your DP rather than doing anything to change your life in a meaningful way. They are throwing you and your kids under a bus.

This is very abusive yes, and for the safety of the children, he needs to be removed from their home. By the police if necessary.

Have you told your support worker of his previous physical violence towards you, or that you have told him to leave and he refuses? They might start being a bit more proactive if you tell it to them straight.

We were under Early Help at our request. It then escalated to social services after my husband threatened our son. Social services did a 6 week assessment then closed case as there wasn't any physical violence. They referred us back to Early Help.

Social services had told me to contact local DV service who did an assessment then said they would be in touch. The next day I had a phone call from police , the DV people had phoned them but not told me . They wanted to talk to me about when my husband pushed me up against the wall, but that was 2008. I didn't want to press charges or anything so I said I didn't want to talk to them. My husband was also being very nice at this point so I felt guilty. I know that sounds stupid. But it's how I feel.

I've just started Domestic Abuse counseling, it's early days at mo and we are working on increasing my self esteem. I'm going to a DV group on Friday too, there are 2 sessions. Whenever I hear about DV I always think my case is mild compared to other women and I'm not being hit etc. And most of the time it's ok . I know I'm stupid.

The Early Help worker says to ring 999 if I need to. And she will work with my husband and son. I see her separately.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I am assuming here your childhood was in no way ideal. That along with other poor life experiences set you up good and proper into you being with your abuser, he targeted you to abuse you and indeed this is what he has done and continues to do. It was likely also his decision mainly to have 4 children and has used them to keep you with him.

You were hit previously and you’ve been further ground down and or conditioned by him over the years to now almost tacitly accept your lot from him. Not being hit now does not mean that this is any better for you or your kids because you remain in an abusive relationship. If he were to decide that his current level of control was not working for some reason then he could start physically hurting you again.

Who is doing the domestic abuse counselling?. I sincerely hope it’s not this early help worker because she is working with all of you which is a recipe for disaster. Please contact Women’s Aid and with their help plan your exit from this abusive marriage. No one expects you to leave immediately and your exit from this needs to be planned with due care because your safety and that if your kids is of paramount importance.

I presume as well you did not want to press charges mainly because you are afraid of him and his reaction. You remain very much caught up in his nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Yes my childhood wasn't great. My mum was lovely , very warm and caring. But my dad ignored me most of the time , and liked to be alone so would shout at me if I went into the lounge. He never opened Christmas or birthday presents, just put them on a shelf where they stayed for years. He was very depressed. During my teen years I was hard work because I had very severe OCD and spent most of my time obsessively washing which he hated. He would shout , call me names, hit me etc. Things got better when I left home at 17. He became nicer.

I have bipolar, and M.E. ( chronic fatigue syndrome) and just diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I feel dependent on my husband.

This is what abusers do. It's a tactic to keep you. They're nice so that you feel bad about reporting them. If every abuser was horrible all the time their partners would have no guilt in getting rid of them and they'd never be in relationships for very long.

They attack you then apologise but they don't really apologise. They blame their behaviour on something else. "I was drunk" "I had a hard day at work" "you just wind me up so much". Sound familiar? Then they're nice for a few days until you start to feel like you're not on edge and you start to remember why you love them. Then it's not long until there's another incident and the cycle continues.

You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. I would contact social services as I don't think you Early Help worker is giving the right advice here. A parenting course isn't going to help him at all. Of course he'll go along with it to keep the heat off him but he has no intention of every changing.

He tells you what underwear to wear then goes crazy when you're not wearing it and he doesn't think that's controlling?

My DH loves me wearing sexy underwear but I don't wear uncomfortable lacy numbers every day. He wouldn't want me too anyway.

You should probably start your own thread if you want advice. Your comment might get lost in this thread about someone else's situation.

no violence etc though he does slam doors, swears, shouts and has punched a hole in the wall.
Violence towards objects is still violence and is intimidation.

https://www.healthline.com/health/punching-holes-in-wall#abusese
"Punching a hole in the wall causes damage, even if it doesn’t completely destroy it. Someone who punches walls might also kick or throw household items or damage property and belongings in other ways.

While punching a hole in the wall might not seem like abuse (since it only hurts the person doing the punching), it can be a form of intimidation.

An abusive partner might destroy property to control you or make you feel afraid. Their aggressive acts are essentially saying, “Don’t make me mad, because I might not be able to control myself,” or “Do what I say or this could happen to you.”"

I have bipolar, and M.E. ( chronic fatigue syndrome) and just diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I feel dependent on my husband.

Doesn't stress and fear make ME worse?

Isn't it worth considering that your condition may be exacerbated by your relationship with your husband, and actually you might be better able to stabilise without him?

Also, your children are growing up in this environment - it's not good for them.

How about instead of thinking about your marriage and whether or not you need to give him more “chances” you throw him out and be a better parent and set a better example to your child who has been constantly abused by an arsehole bully.

@Annon1995 if you report your own posts, MNHQ will remove them for you.